struggling with gravestone

[mumoverseas]

Dad died 5 years ago and was buried in the family grave with his and mum's first child who died when aged 3. Following the burial the FDs recommended that we buy a new gravestone as the old one was very worn (over 50 years old) and it would cost a lot of money to restore and even when done, there would not be enough room for much additional wording for dad, and then mum when she would eventually join them.

Mum developed ostrich syndrome and simply couldn't/wouldn't talk about.

Mum died last year and was buried with dad and my brother.
The ground has finally settled and is ready for the gravestone but I just don't know where to start. Its not so much the design, I just don't know what wording to put for mum, dad and a brother that I never knew. I've been trying to get on and get this sorted for a few months now but I just don't know where to start. I was devestated when mum died last year and suffered badly with depression which I've only recently surfaced from but I can feel myself getting more and more dragged down by it all and feel on the verge of a breakdown. The slightest thing has me in tears now but I know I can't put this off for much longer. It makes me so sad when I visit the grave that there is no stone but I just don't know what to do.

Sorry for rambling and hope someone can understand what I'm trying to say/ask. I'm so used to helping other people and advising them what to do but this is one thing I just cannot deal with myself.

Mumoverseas, I lost my father in July 2009.

I seem to recall your name from last year on these threads.

I struggled myself with the gravestone organising. I put off talking about it for so long. To me it just made it all so final and real and really I did'nt want to accept his death for many many months. In the end my mum and sister went on there own to the funeral place as my mum wanted the stone in place for Christmas last year.

I still hate to look at it when I take flowers - a stone with my dad's name on.it's been in place for months now. It's so symbolic for me, perhaps that's just me, I don't know.

My advice is that the funeral places have so much help and expertise - I know it's difficult . I would ring them or go and see them for advice if you feel up to it and then you at least you have a starting point.They do a sort of draft on the computer to show you how it would look. This is what I was told.

Hugs to you and hope you start to feel a little better soon.

Hi Anastasia,
Yes, I remember we 'talked' on a few threads. You are right in that it makes it seem 'real'. Hadn't thought of it like that before but you are so right, maybe that is one reason why I'm struggling and its not just the wording. Maybe getting the gravestone makes it more final?

Maybe that is why mum wouldn't/couldn't get dad's/her DS's gravestone done?

Thank you for your suggestion. Hugs back to you x

hi girls.

i'm another from that awful time..i lost my mum suddenly last year...we've chatted before on here.

me and my dad chose my mums gravestone. we went and had a look around in the same yard at what others had written...some were very wordy, some very formal, some sort of "flowery" and some very plain.

in the end, we decided on factual...mums name, date of birth to date of death, wife, mother, grandmother kind of thing....

i felt that with such a smmall space to have words in, i couldn't find any words that were significant enough to say it all iykwim?

hth. its a horrible thing to have to do...x

Sorry to hear of your losses.

How about something simple:

Mum's name, dates etc
Dad's name, dates etc
Brother's name, dates etc

Much loved, always in our hearts.

I personally don't think you need to write much on a gravestone, what we think of the people that lived is in our hearts/memories and could never be conveyed into a few words on a gravestone.

Mumoverseas: am in the same position as you because we want a stone cross and the sodding Diocese says that 'a cross is an over-used symbol" ....this is in a quiet Sussex country graveyard where there are many old crosses around, but the latest graves are all uniform bits of kitchen worktop and it makes me so fecking ANGRY I just can't deal with it anymore at the moment

Hi Chimchar, I remember our chats. Its so hard isn't it. I've realised today that probably half the problem is me having to do it on my own. I wish I had someone to come with me.
Lisa, think your idea is a really good one. I will get off my butt and make an appointment see someone and hopefully get the guidance I need.

BCBG, that is rubbish! I'm in Sussex too but cemetary is in Surrey. How bloody ridiculous. Yes, a cross will be an over-used symbol in a bloody cemetary! That the point, its a religious symbol. Would they be happier with a devils pitchfork! I'm so for you. Maybe we should get together and help each other out, I've had the most awful week and am up for kicking some butt!

MOS - how about keeping the wording that your parents' used for your brother and then you just need to think about your Mum and Dad. I know it will only make it a tiny bit easier but every little will help.

As you know, my parents were cremated so this is something I've never had to deal with but wish I could give you more advice. Whatever you decide to do, try to do it before you go back to KSA in September (it is September isn't it?) as it will only distress you more if you fret about it from there.

Much love. x

Mumoverseas, so sorry to hear about the tough times you are going through.

I lost my parents in 2006/07, my Dad was around to discuss the grave after Mum died although he knew he was terminally ill. My mum chose my Gran's gravestone so we went with the same style and simple wording that she chose - can you do something similar, so the choices your parents made for your brother are reflected. When my Dad died six months later I actually amended what we had decided slightly after a discussion with my Dad about family history.

We ended up with this:
CornishKK's Mum, beloved mother, wife & teacher (dates)
CornishKK's Dad, beloved father, husband & musician

What will survive of us is love

When I think of my parents I think about the immense amount of love that we were brought up with and how I will pass that onto my own children.

I find the gravestone comforting actually, we regularly go up there, my brother and sister and I head up there with a hip flask on Christmas Eve and have a drink with them. It might be odd but it helps us.

As for graveyard rules and regs....

When my Mum died Dad would regularly walk up to the grave with Mum's dog, the church council erected a no dogs sign in response. Sadly the dog was diagnosed with a brain tumour shortly before Dad died and had to be put down, we had her cremated and Dad requested her ashes be put in his coffin - he enjoyed thinking he was getting one up on the church council.

Good luck with your decision, it's not easy. X

I think in your situation, particularly with the grief surrounding the loss of a child and you having a sibling you never knew I'd have to go for basic facts, i.e. name and dates as others have said.

But, I'd perhaps add something along the lines of no words being adequate...and maybe something about a family being reunited again.

The loss of your 3 year old sibling, even though not known to you is very poignant I feel. I have no idea really though. I just imagine if I was a parent who lost a child I'd look forward to being with them again in death. Which is weird considering I don't believe in anything after death...oh, make of what I've said what you will...is a bit rambly.

morning and thanks again ladies for your lovely helpful comments. I am so sorry for all of your losses and am so greatful for your sharing your thoughts and experiences wtih me.

I will phone the stonemason that someone has recommended later and try to get an appointment to go and see him. I just didn't know where to start but have some really helpful information now and I'm sure he will guide me. Its the bit about my brother I struggle with.

After he died mum had written some beautiful poems about him and his death and one is very very moving about when they would meet again at the gate of heaven. I somehow managed to read it at mum's funeral service although it was touch and go whether I'd get through it and just managed to.

Your help and comments have made me realise I want to have some sort of message about them all being together again, maybe 'reunited at the gates of heaven'

My world turned upside down when I lost mum having already lost dad it was 100 times worse but to imagine losing a child, I don't know how they survived. It does bring me some comfort knowing they are together again but doesn't stop me missing them.
Recently DD (nearly 4) has talking about missing 'little nannie' and I think she finally now understands that 'little nannie' was my mummy. Its so nice that she remembers here but its had me in tears a few times the last week or so.

The stone that was originally on the grave was removed by the FD's when dad was buried and I know they did a report on it and sent it to mum suggesting it was either re-done (lettering all faded) or a new stone was purchased. As there wasn't room for both mum and dad's details we decided on a new stone but I might find out what was on the original and try to use some of that.

LilRed, yes, first week in September I return to the land of sand. I do really need to get this done before I go otherwise it will still be on my mind.

Cornish, thats nice about your mum's dog, that is the sort of thing that my dad would have taken great pleasure in, he had a wicked sense of humour (passed on to my brother who when dad's coffin was carried out of the FD's he rapped on the lid and listened and said 'just checking'. Dad would have liked that one)

hobbgoblin, I'm the expert in rambling, its all I seem to do at the moment

Hi Mumoverseas,

we lost mum in Dec and have just had her gravestone put it.It really is such a difficult thing isnt it, to find the fitting words... I didnte realise ot would be so hard. My dad was cremated and his ashes scattered before mum died so its just mum in her grave.

we settled on mums name- date of birth -date of death. loving mum and nan , reunited with beloved husband 'name' . we will love and miss you forever.

THere are just no words to desribe what it feels like to lose your parents. thinking of you and so sorry for your loss

hi plum, sorry for your loss but thank you for sharing your experience with me.
I've been out all day but on the way home nipped to a small tescos near home and there was a FD's next door that has recently opened. I went in and spoke to a lovely lady who gave me a brochure to look at. I will go back in and see her in a few days and really get on with it now.
Made the mistake of quickly flicking through brochure whilst in there and got really choked up when saw the last two pages were for children, they had fifi and winnie the pooh. I know the loss of our parents was terrible, but to lose a child.

my dad died when I was young and we never got round to adding his name on to the family headstone, but I am in the process on having a new stone erected with his name included. His name was William but was only ever known as Bill, what does everybody else think? should I have William put on or Bill?

Hi all, have just found this thread and am reading with interest. OP, I can fully understand why finding words is so much more than just that

I have the deeds to the grave of a man who was like a father to me. I am more likely to put a stone up than his bio family (who have shown no interest in almost 2 years) but don't know what I would write. I don't want to offend them but not sure I want to acknowledge them there either.

Hazel, I'd go with Bill as that's how he was known.

hi,
just stumbled on ths again by chance which is bizarre as literally an hour ago I emailed a stonemasons for advice and to start the ball rolling.
I went back a few times to the FDs I'd found when I was in the UK and got quotes and was all happy to go with it but my (arse of a ) brother has thrown a wobbly and refused to go with them and insists on going with someone else. To be honest, I just wanted to get on with it and felt very comfortable with the lovely lady at the FDs however one major catch is that my brother has all the money we'd put away to pay for it. He threw a wobbly around 6 weeks ago and insisted he was doing it however he can't as the grave is in my name having been transferred to me after dad died so we could arrange mum's burial when she died.

A sort of stalemate the last few months and I've just been on holiday and sort of switched off and tried to ignore it all as it was really upsetting me.

Then a few days ago I suddenly woke up and realised I had to get on with it and it really didn't matter which stonesmasons did it, just that it was done and was a beautiful tribute to my lovely parents

marriednotdead that is a difficult one. Presumably as you have the deeds (and it is in your name) you are the only one that can do it. This I found out when my brother got very angry when he phoned the council about the grave and they refused to talk to him as it was in my name. I did allow myself a small smirk as he was such an arse and is a bully insisting that HE WILL DO IT ALL!

Hazel another difficult one. Rather bizzarely my dad was William and everyone called him Bill. However I have never questioned that I would put William on his gravestone. Ooh, you have me thinking now

Thanks everyone for taking the time to answer me and provide your views x

Hi Mumoverseas. When my Dad died my stepmother chose his gravestone..... It was suggested to her that she chose something similar to the stones that his father and brother had. She went against everyones wishes and put a hideous "footballers wives" type stone on the grave which i hate. My ds1 has a wooden cross on his grave which my late dh made and put on there. It has to be taken up every few years to be revarnished. The first time it was taken up my grandmother went round and panicked because it wasnt there. We remembered to tell her the next two times.

Hi Lottie, thank you so much for your message. I can understand why your step-mother's choice of stone makes you sad. You knew him best. I've chosen for mum and dad's grave very similar to what they chose for my brother when he died.

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your DS and DH. Life is so unfair