What do you say when people ask how many children you have?

[onimolap]

Even nearly 12 years after the death of DS1, I can get floored by this question.

He died as a new baby, and the time before we had other children was both distressing and awkward. It's such a normal question, and I was stumped: if I said none, I felt terrible for abandoning DS1s very existence; if I said one, then the normal follow up questions floored both me and enquirer who, quite rightly, would expect ordinary chat.

I did try out "none" plus a muttered or silent "living", but that never felt right.

Even after the arrivals of DS2 and DD, I couldn't find the right answer: I have two children living with me now, but I am mother to three. It's a bit easier to deal some questions "two at this school", "those two over there". But there are times, even after all these years, when I just don't want to omit DS1, and it's back to unexpected answers and explanations, and dealing with enquirers' reactions.

What do others in this situation do?

I know one person who would reply 'two living' and let the conversation move on from there, dependng on who she was talking to and why.

I'm sorry for your loss of your first child.

Thank you for responses so far.

Yes, the younger two do know and always have done. It's easy to talk about him to them - who sometimes wish he was around (they assume he'd be cool and that having him there would make it easier to gang up on me and get away with stuff).

Family and people who knew me then or have become friends since know a lot about him. I don't think I have any particular difficulty talking about him, or finding people when I want to.

It's the ordinary, conversational "how many?" question that I find problematic, especially people in playgrounds, queues, buses, playgrounds, wherever. I don't want to deny him, but neither do I necessarily want to go into open up potentially emotional territory in such a random way.

But then if you don't say, and the random playground mum becomes a friend, not having mentioned it becomes a different issue.

That's why I was wondering what others say and hoping the collective wisdom and experience of MN might give me some new ideas of what I might like to say in future.

Oh gosh yes I have this problem too. I lost a DD (she was stillborn at term) and then had two DSs so I say "two boys" usually. I mention DD if the conversation turns in such a way as to make it easily possible.

I have never dared say 3 for fear of the supplementary questions as I would feel a fraud

So no helpful insight from me but I know where you are coming from

Oh yes just to add, IME it's not been a problem to say "two children" and then reveal about DD later if the person becomes a friend. I've found the whole interaction much easier for both me and the other person if I can go into more detail about my DD than just the fact of her existence, so I only really talk about her if I can give a little bit of detail, such as why and when she died and where in the family she came. If I'm in my house there are two pictures of her which I would usually point out.

So random strangers on the bus I just say I've got two and though I have an inner pang about it, I feel it's the right thing to do.

Oh, actually (sorry this is stream of consciousness while I try to ignore boys arguing in the next room) the Registrar at the hospital when we registered DD's birth had lost a baby. She had a beautifully delicate formula: "I have three boys, but my middle son died when he was a baby." Perhaps we should both copy that.

Oh i know this question well.

My firstborn twin son died shortly after birth, and i've gone on to have a girl and another boy after too.

My youngest is my DS3... even though ds1 isn't here with us, it would feel wrong to say that ds was ds2 if that makes any sense.

I know it's something i've struggled with for a long time. Now i just say when asked, 'I have two living sons and a daughter' then explain more if questioned.

It's very hard though, isn't it?

I tend to say I have two children, but I always say I am expected my fourth.

It depends on the circumstances really, like you I do not want to deny DS2's (who was stillborn)existence but sometimes I get tired of having to explain, comfort someone else, who afterall was asking a perfectly reasonable question, and just the effort of it all IYKWIM?

I will always be a mother to three, but I have two children. It's just semantics (for me)

Please come and have a look at our 'safe haven' thread

I always say to anyone who asks 'I have had four sons' -( 2 of my four sons have died)- sometimes I will elaborate on 'my story' and sometimes I wont.

So sorry for your loss - 'No death so sad as that of a child.' xxxx

My stock response is "Two daughters, but sadly our firstborn died just before her little sister was born" or similar. Then be ready to fill the gap in conversation by yabbering about dd2.

I have been known to deliberately refer to dd2 as "my youngest" in order to provoke the question if I want to get it out of the way.

If I'm glossing over it with someone for whatever reason, I'll refer to dd2 as my little one or my baby - then it doesn't feel like I'm leaving dd1 out. I'm discovering a talent for talking round the edges of it!

Hope this helps you a bit Onim.

Sometimes it depends on who I am talking to, if it is someone I am just meeting in passing that I won't see again, ie in the street I sometimes say I have just my DS and then spend ages feeling guilty about not mentioning my 1st DS. Other times I say I have 2 DSs but this DS is my only living one.

My brother died when he was 8 months old (before I was born).

My mum always includes him and says that she has 4 children (she had two before him and me afterwards).

I always say that I am the youngest of 4.

FWIW, I always include my DH's son as part of our family.

Even though he was not mine and died long, long before DH got together.

DH's DS is just as much part of our (blended) family as his DDs.

Like Domesticsluttery says, it even affects children born after the death of the child in question.

I know my DSD2 still feels she has a brother missing, and my children will know that they have 3 half siblings, just one of them isnt here.

I hope that helps.

I have this problem also, I've had four daughters but my second died as a newborn, and I really struggle.

I normally avoid it by saying things like [when I've got the baby daughter with me] 'she's got 2 older sisters at school'.

But it is SO HARD.
I wish I was more confident in mentioning her, but I fear that people will think she's irrelevant because she was so little.

Sorry, that's no help - but I feel your dilemma.

Hi I say I have three, I have three DDs.

I lost my firstborn DS to cot death. He would be 12 in October. I don't like not mentioning him, it's not right but it depends who I'm speaking to.

If I later get to know someone a bit more I will usually mention him. My DDs like to talk about their older brother, even though it's painful.

Just wanted to say thanks to eveyone who posted here. I expect I'll continue to muddle along as I have been doing. I've found it (weirdly?) reassuring to find out that others have similar pangs and dilemmas.

Onimolap I've just found this board and I now feel a bit less alone reading about other people's experiences.

Not a day goes by without my DS being in my thoughts despite having three lovely DDs which I'm very grateful for.

I'm sure you understand that the milestones hurt. This September he would've been starting secondary school.

It's lovely that we can all remember our children on here. Take care x

I tend to tell people that I have one son and I had a daughter who died when she was 15 months. Depending on who it is changes whether i go into detail.

This is my first ever mumsnet post and I have to admit I am at a loss as to DS DD D1 etc.

All i know is that i'm expecting in four weeks and i still haven't cleared out the room which i still think of as my baby girl's.

Very very happy to be expecting but at the same time it makes me feel sick at the thought of a new baby.

My baby daughter died shortly after birth in April 2009. I have become pretty reclusive since and so haven't been faced with that question many times but whenever anyone has asked, I always said 1 but she died shortly after birth. I don't have it in me to say none.

Quitescared - wishing you all the very best for the birth of your new baby. I am 10 weeks at the moment and am struggling emotionally. Feel numb. Not sure how much of it is hormonal. I have kept everything of my daughter's and will one day explain to future kids that she left those things as gifts. I know that I will be protective of her things but would love for my babies to use them. I really do feel for you. xx

I always say that i have Wilfred who is 14 and that his brother Jack died aged 2 hours and would have been 16 this Christmas.

I lost my brother aged 10,many years ago-I was 13- and until fairly recently I used to just say I Ahad one brother, it being very hard to feel I had to explain about my dead brother. I didn't want the person asking to feel embarrassed or to handle their response- but it was also denying my brother's existence and that was wrong. Now i do say I'm one of three when asked,and say about the brother,

My DS2 was stillborn 2 1/2 years ago, i went on to have another DS and I still say i've had 3 DS' when people ask. I find myself talking about DS2 alot when talking to people about pregancy and birth and I can see people that don't know me very well looking confused when I say things like "when I had Finn ...." but sometimes I don't have it in me to explain.

DS1 and DS3 both know about their brother. DS1 was 6 when Finn was born so understood completely what was happening and he talks about "Baby Finn" quite alot and tells all his friends that he has two little brothers but one lives in the clouds with his granny. DS3 is too little to understand (he's 18 months) but does climb onto our bed and kiss the only picture we have of Finn every morning.

Sorry got off track there.... I think its best to answer the question depending on how you are feeling. You, your family and close friends all know that DS will always be in your heart.

and sorry for your loss, the pain is something that never goes away - you just learn to live with it!