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Original poster

explaining death to a 2 and 4 yr old.

15 replies

Ilythia · 13/08/2010 20:25

My lovely MIL is Not Well at the moment, we are talking days I think.
She lives across the country but DD's know her well and know she has been ill (last time they saw her she was in the rehab unit in a wheelchair)
When I need to, what is the best way to explain to them? Any advice would be great, or books I can get from library maybe?

DD's are 2.10 and fairly oblivious, and 4.6, fairly sensitive and she tends to overthink/make big dramas out of things.
tia

OP posts:
belledechocolatefluffybunny · 13/08/2010 20:28

There's not alot of books. Winston's wish is a good organisation for help on this though
www.winstonswish.org.uk/ They may be able to help.

ButterpieBride · 13/08/2010 20:29

My DD1 was about the age of your younger one when her uncle dioes, and i told her that he was really ill, and the doctors tried to make him better, but he was too ill, so he died, and that means we can't see him anymore, and it is fine to be sad about that, if she wants to ask anything we can tell her.

She shrugged her shoulders and asked if she could watch tv. She still talks about him quite a lot, but she seems to have taken it in her stride.

Sorry to hear about your MIL.

Winstons wish are good- have a read of their website for advice.

whomovedmychocolate · 13/08/2010 20:32

We are facing something similar and we've talked to DD (who is nearly 4 about it) but not DS - he just doesn't get it because he's only two. DD actually started asking questions like 'when granny dies, like Felix [the cat] died, will we bury her in the garden?' so we had to address it.

We just talked about the body being like an car and sometimes it just gets so worn out if can't go anymore and people just stop being there.

Be very careful to avoid the 'you just go to sleep' line though.

So sorry you are going through this.

Original poster
Ilythia · 13/08/2010 20:36

thanks.
Sorry you are too wmmc, everything gets that little bit more com,plicated with teh dc's involved. DD1 does know she is veyr sick and back in hospital but she is veyr angry with her as DH promised to play with her today and was called back to be with her, understandable totally.

We know she hasn't got long now, it's not if, it's when, so should I mention that she will/may die? I don't want her thinking very sick = death though. MIL had a stroke so not sure of best way to explain it, something wrong in her brain?
God, it's hard, and I want to try and talk it through with them to avoid DH having to do it as it is 'easier' for me.

OP posts:
whomovedmychocolate · 13/08/2010 20:43

I would say 'she is very sick and she may well die. If that happens daddy will be very sad and will need lots of cuddles. She also won't be around anymore but we'll still remember her.'

If you want to explain, say she's very old and her body doesn't work very well anymore and part of her brain is worn out and can't be replaced and so she will die. I would stress that it's normal for people to die when they are very old but you and daddy are not very old and will be around for a very, very long time.

Dione · 13/08/2010 20:43

I would just explain to them how things are at the minute (she is really poorly) and leave the death discussions until she has passed away. Death is not something that small kids can understand until it happens. Then explain (grandma was very sick and old and her body was so broken that the doctors couldn't fix it). I don't know what you believe happens after death, but remember to put it into words that they can understand. Have a separate discussion with your older child and tell them that if they have any questions, you will answer them. Do so honestly and things will be ok. There are books that you can get and your local bookstore should be able to help you if you need it.

jujuthejetmum · 20/08/2010 21:24

Hi Ilythia how's things?

My dear MIL died on Wed 18th we told the kids yesterday morning :(

I just told DD (5)that Nanny had died (DH couldn't do it) and said we felt sad but we all knew that she was really, really poorly. DD didn't know how to react so just had a cuddle. DS (8)reacted much the same.

This morning she asked daddy where Nanny had died and how and he said at home in her bed and just went to sleep (he dealt with it very sensitively - proud of how he's coping) which is what I thought she'd do - ask questions later. Both seem to be fine at the moment.

She's had a distraction tho' as she's broke her arm on the trampoline FFS - thought we'd seen the last of hospital for a while. She panicked thinking of going back there bless her.

Original poster
Ilythia · 21/08/2010 17:49

Oh juju, so sorrySad I have been offline as am at FIL's and his net connection is rubbish but have been thinking of you.

I have an AIBU thread going now as we got a call from the hospital this morning (have been here at fils for a week now) saying she was going, have had one call to say they were grabbing some lunch and nothing since then. Am styuck at home with dd's.
We took dd's in to see her the other day which was nice, she was sedated and is vegetative so they jujst thought she was sleeping. DD1(4) knows she is dying and has had a chat about how something went wrong in her brain that they tried to fix but they couldn't. She seems ot have accepted that for now. D2 is 2 so oblivious really.

Sorry about your DD's arm, that reallyi the last thing you need.

Now for funeral 'fun'.

OP posts:
onimolap · 21/08/2010 17:59

I saw your other thread, and am really hoping that they think to give you news and support soon.

To add a bit to the theme of this thread, as well as doing all you can to stop people using "sleep" as a euphemism, also don't say "lost" around children. It's such a common euphemism it's hard to keep away from altogether, but it is worth avoiding so you don't have to deal with confusion with (or worries about) safety messages about "if you lose Mummy in a shop, find a uniformed member of staff" etc

Original poster
Ilythia · 21/08/2010 18:01

thanks onimo, we did make sure to tell dd's that she looked like she was sleeping because of her medicine thanks to advice form here and reading winstons. she is still hanging on, dh just called.

OP posts:
onimolap · 21/08/2010 18:04

Hope your day goes as gently as possible.

choufleur · 21/08/2010 18:08

My Dad very recently passed away after a short illness. DS is 4 and we were honest and said that grandad was poorly but the doctors were trying to make him better but grandad might not get better. If so, he would go to heaven (I don't really believe that but DS likes the idea that grandad is in heaven watching him). We also said that it's ok to be sad but grandad would want DS be happy too.

TBH it sounds really harsh but your youngest will probably not really remember her and bounce back more quickly.

Original poster
Ilythia · 21/08/2010 18:13

choufleur, that's not harsh, we know she probably will only have very patchy memories of MIL if that. It's shit really, so unfair. She's only 61.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilythia · 21/08/2010 18:14

Really sorry about your dad btw.

OP posts:
sleepingsowell · 21/08/2010 19:05

Ilythia so sorry about your MIL.
My grandad died when DS was 4 - we told him in very simple terms that his body had got so old that it was all used up and worn out. I think that's a bit easier to say when the person is older than 61 though Sad and what you've said sounds spot on to me.
I strongly wanted to avoid talk of heaven - I felt that would be unfair to DS really. I wanted to be honest and tell him the truth as I knew it, no more, no less. I think often it's adults who need to dress it up, and kids will accept the basic facts very calmly, usually. IMO.
All the best.

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