When's the right time to tell dd1 that grandad is not going to get better?

[oneofsuesylvesterscheerios]

Original threads here and here.

Dd1 is 8 and obviously knows things are serious. We're meeting with the hospice nurse tomorrow and I thought I'd ask her advice about what and when to tell the dds (dd2 is 4).

But my friend said to me the other day that she bets dd1 'knows' already just from things she will have picked up from our conversations at dad's house and round at home. The fact that dd1 hasn't outright asked us if grandad's going to die would seem to confirm this - I think she doesn't want to know the answer; or at least doesn't want it said out loud.

We don't know when he's going to die so I don't want her getting upset too early, but it would also be good for her to start to come to terms with it I think, so she can enjoy the time we have left before he deteriorates too much. And do we tell dd1 something different to dd2?

If your DD is aware that her grandad is very ill, I'd leave it until he dies. I can't see the point in upsetting her earlier unless you think she will want to say goodbye. But that's a very difficult thing for a little girl to do.

It's a very difficult call. I'm always in favour of being very honest with my kids. But the problem here is that your dd1 might get so upset when visiting granddad that they don't make the best of their time together.

I would remind dd1 of how precious life is and to make the best of every day and the opportunities we have to be together and leave it at that for now. If she askes questions then you really need to be honest, my family always lied about illness, death and grieving and it left me unprepared for the reality of it.

They can both see that he is 'ill' as he cannot walk anymore and has difficulty using his hands, which will only get worse. But mentally, and to talk to, he is the same as ever, so he doesn't seem 'poorly' as such. Because of the nature of his condition, it might be quite hard for them to realise that he is dying; just that his body is gruadually closing down.

The concept of how this might eventually kill him is terrifying for me and dh, let alone the dds.

Okay, just had a look back at your last thread and I think the important thing would be for you to get clear as to what palliative care is available for your dad so that you can explain some of it to your dd1.

What do you think would be the right thing to do?

This isn't the same thing at all, but I once posted on here about telling my dd1 that she nearly died at birth. The overwhelming response was 'no', but I did because my gut instict told me she'd be stronger for knowing. And she is, and we sometimes talk about it; she realizes how lucky she is and how amazing doctors are, and that life is fro living, but she's not frightened by it and it's no longer the 'elephant in the romm'. All of which waffle is to say that you know your dd1; trust your instinct on this.

Big hugs to you, I can imagine how heartbroken you are. xxxx

Sorry typos

I let my two boys see my Mum when she was in hospital and still able to talk and laugh with them, they literally saw her for 2 minutes each (she had terminal cancer and we knew she had about 2 weeks left to live)

1 week later when it was very bad and she was unconscious and about to die we told them. They were almost 7 and almost 4. My Dh had come to the hospital with my boys for him to say goodbye to my Mum, but the boys did not see her, it would have been far too distressing for them.

We told them in the hospital that the medicine hadn't worked (chemo) and that Grandma would die soon. My 7 year old collapsed on the floor and had to be carried to the car. He was hysterically crying. It was awful.

She died the next morning.

I would say whilst they still enjoy their time with him let them, when it gets too bad for them to see him, tell them then. I would tell them both the same thing to be honest, otherwise it may confuse them. Your eldest will probably ask more questions which you can answer.

You have my sympathies.