Struggling so so so much at the minute.

[Lovemybrood]

It's the first anniversary of losing someone I loved greatly in a few days and I feel that I am not coping at all.

I don't knoww what I want/don't want to do, he fills my every thought.

I had a dream the other night about him and he was shouting my name constantly and I can remember replying 'I can't come yet'.

Earlier on I could have sworn I smelt his cheap aftershave.

Am I losing my marbles???? I am struggling so much at the min.

You are not losing your marbles, it is entirely normal to feel this way around the time of an anniversary. Do you feel that you have felt like this all year & are struggling with everyday life or has it suddenly crept up?

Someone with better advice than me will come along but I couldn't not reply.

FWIW have an un-MN hug

I don't know whether I have felt like this all the time etc, but, I think about him constantly and have is photo up in my living room.

I just can't believe it has come to this time already. I didn't know he was dead and only found out after trying to ring him for a few days when the police turned up on my step.

I found out 8 days after he had died.

Have you had the chance to speak to anybody about your grief? I was lucky enough to get to see a counsellor on site at my GP's surgery and was referred pretty quickly. I do feel a lot better since. Have also been on some ADs for the depression I entered.

Reading between the lines I worry that you might carry some kind of guilt for not knowing he had died, my Grandfather felt some of this when my Grandma died because he had been having lunch at his golf club when she passed and I suppose you feel you should have known.

The first anniversary is hard. My daughter was born 6 days after my Grandma died so every day she grew seemed to take me further away from my Gran.

Sorry for rambling, I'm not sure what to say except that it is normal until it takes over your every thought, stops you from sleeping and finding enjoyment in life etc.

My boss at the time was amazing and arranged counselling for a week after I went back to work, the counsellor was very very good.

If he had rung me, talked to me or text me.

That's good. The what-ifs get your mind whirring don't they?

Oh yes they certainly do. I just wish I knew what had been going through his head and if I could have helped in ANY way. DH is very very good though he finds it very hard to understand, which I do too.

It's hard but try not to put the pressure on yourself to understand. It makes you angry and that's a stage you've probably worked through already. Try to view the anniversary as a time to remember the positive times and to move on with your future.

Sorry I can't stick around, not sure I can help much anyway but it is all so totally normal so please don't beat yourself up. Allow yourself to cry but also allow yourself to laugh without guilt.

Hope you feel better soon.

Thank you very much for talking to me.

Unfortunately, I can't cry at the min, I have 3 friends with cancer at the min and think if I start I won't stop. I have to be strong and keep the stiff upper lip.

Not all the time you don't! Let yourself sometime when you feel you can, it's a natural way of working through things I think. You're having a hard time then so you're bound to feel everything so much more, maybe your DH will be there for you so you don't have to be the strong one? Good luck x

Has anyone else got any advice please.