need advice about someone i know who had still birth

[lisad123isgoingcrazy]

I dont know her very well, just a mum at the school. I know but most others dont and I dont know weather to tell them so they dont keep asking where the baby is? Someone rushed up to her son and asked him the other day, and he just didnt know what to say

I also want to send a little card just to let her know we are thinking of her but dont know what to write. I know shes not religious, so has anyone got a poem or some word that helped them at a time like this?
TIA

Hi what an awful thing to happen. No experience of anything like this, but I would tell others so they don't say anything upsetting. I would just say in the card how sorry you are, I don't think you need a poem.

lisa - My beautiful baby girl was born sleeping on 21st June 2010. As someone who is going through this I would suggest just simply telling her and her DH/DP that you are thinking of them and their family. There is simply nothing you can say to make them feel better.

Poems can be lovely though, chosen carefully - I recieved a few in my cards.

As regards telling the other Mums, it is probably a good idea, everyone is different but at the moment I would struggle with people not knowing and risking a "Where's the baby" sort of comment. I would not cope with that at all. But make sure it is done in a very sensitive way, otherwise it would be very hurtful if it came across as playground gossip. On the other hand - don't avoid this lady, and don't avoid the fact that she's had a baby - I'm finding it very hurtful that Belle's existence is being avoided by many, and she's not mentioned at all.

I know people don't know what to say or do for the best, and it is such a fine line with the right and wrong things to say.

I don't think this post has been very helpful.... sorry.

CazEM, I'm so sorry for your loss. Belle's birthday is the same as my dd1 - she had anencephaly, and was born and died on 21st June 2005. I think you have posted amazingly, especially considering the pain and sadness you're going through right now.

I hope it helps to know that 5 years down the line the memory of holding and knowing and loving our wee girl is still as sharp and bright as ever, but the pain has subsided, and become something we can live with.

OP, I think Caz's post is spot on. A card simply saying how sorry you are, and that you're thinking of her would be lovely, plus don't avoid her, do ask about the baby and do sensitively let others know. You sound very thoughtful, and that's just the kind of person she'll need.

Caz
My heart goes out to you - so sorry for the loss of Belle.

Oh, lisa - I didn't see that was you! Well, makes sense that your post seemed so thoughtful, then.

Am I being known as the thoughtful MNetter now? beter do something before i ruin my image!
Thanks for all the advice. I did let others at the school know, and just wrote in her card something like:

I know that no words can take away your pain at this time, but wanted you to know we are thinking of you and your family.
Yours DS memory with live on in the hearts and minds of those who loved him

Do you think that was ok#??

lisa that was more than okay, it is all you can really do.

From a practical point of view, if you're telling others at school etc. it can be very helpful to convey as much information as possible (obviously only what the mum and her family are comfortable with). One of the hard things to deal with is others not knowing what to say to you. We found that the friends and acquaintances we told ourselves through email, or who found out through church were able to talk to us because they had a lot more to go on. Those who found out through work etc. and had a much sketchier idea of what happened really floundered in talking to me and I found it really difficult.

So it will also help your friend if you can keep the school mums a little updated about how she is doing, e.g. if a funeral has happened, if older children are back at school that sort of thing, because it gives people a peg to make small talk with.

Does that make any sense at all?

Oh, just lovely, lisa.