Mum died just over 3 yrs ago and I am struggling just now...

[Tamashii]

This is just really a mind dump BTW. I don't even know what I am on here for but I really need to get this out and maybe someone will be able to identify somehow.

My Mum passed away very suddenly just over 3 years ago. It was a case of I was talking to her on the phone one night and a few hours later she suffered a massive stroke, totally out of the blue, never regained conciousness and died a few days later. She had her clothes laid out for the next day and had been knitting a shawl for PG SIL which was left half finished.

It just seems like I have blanked her out of my memories a bit. For the first year, all I remembered was having to go and see her lifeless shell laid out in the hospital. It was unbearable and etched on my mind forever. After that I just could not remember anything apart from that image for ages. It is only recently that I have started to remember things like the last time we went for lunch and how I nearly missed her cos my phone was on silent and it just makes me cry so hard.

Also, I feel so alone now. I phoned her every day for one reason or another and although we were not best friends or anything and I think it bugged her that I phoned so much for nothing in particular (although if I didn't phone her she'd phone me). My Dad and I now have a really awkward relationship. We are not close but we don't not get on IYKWIM. He is close to my brother and SIL and I know he spends lots of time with them and I also know from SIL that he talks to them about how he is getting on and all that. We don't have the kind of relationship where he would talk to me about anything meaningful and I never know what to say to him now either. I have DP but our relationship is a bit rocky and I don't really feel completely at ease with him so I sometimes feel really lost and alone. I don't have many friends in RL either.

It is nice to be able to start thinking about Mum and remembering old conversations and silly funny things she used to do. It's like I have discovered old movies of her or something that my mind is playing back to me that have been lost for so long.

Sorry for the long meaningless post. I do know that it is a natual thing for a child to have to deal with the loss of a parent at some point but she was only 70 and it was just so sudden.

I have also had some form of counselling but they just told me the best thing to do would be to sit down and talk about my Mum with other family members even if it is painful but my family are not like that. The counsellor just said "Well, maybe it will help them too. Just sit down and have a good cry together" and this is so not my family - this would be the last thing my Dad and brother would do.

I lost my Dad three years ago in November and completely understand where you are coming from. I think I put Dad out of my mind for a a long time after he died, I was there when he passed and it was really traumatic. I think its normal and all part of the grieving process.

Its good that you are starting to move on and remember the happy times and for me, I am hoping that the happy memories will at least start to balance out the shock/trauma of losing him and the associated upsetting images and memories.

If you can't talk to your family, could you perhaps do something for yourself to help you focus on the happy memories. Perhaps construct a photo album or scrap book or even start journalling and write something in the book every time you think of something that makes you smile. Then you would have the book to help you through the bad/sad times.

If not, it sounds like your counsellor wasn't much help, so have you tried contacting Cruse Bereavement Care? I haven't been to them myself, but know others who have and they have really helped them deal with their emotions.

Thanks moosemama I really like the idea of going through and finding the old happy photos of her. There are loads at my Dads house but I have not had the courage to ask him if I can look through them yet. I know he has since a lot of them have been scanned onto the computer and his old friends have given him copies of their old photo's too.

I haven't contacted Cruse either. I don't know if I don't really want to unleash all the feelings again since I have tried to "get over" them. I guess that isn't very useful on my part and now they are slowly creeping out again.

It is comforting to know you understand what I am going through and I am not alone in these feelings. I often wonder how my brother is coping but I just can not talk to him about anything anyway. I love him but we don't get on, sadly.

I am trying to hold onto the nice memories that are starting to come back and kind of replace those awful ones of what happened. I have a good cry on my own and was just trying to stop thinking about her at all but it seems to make it easier to remember the nicer things and then each time I cry less.

Sorry - I am waffling on again.

Thanks again for replying. You really do feel so alone in it all I guess. Everyone deals differently I suppose.

Thank you

Tamashii - I think it is very hard when someone dies suddenly and there is no time to say goodbye. The shock is awful - my Dad died very suddenly and I was in shock for ages. I think it is the mind's way of coping and is very common. My Dad died three years ago, too. Feeling alone and bereft, I feel, is a big part of grieving and if you don't have many RL friends (mine don't live round here) or family it makes it worse. I talked to my brothers while it was all going on but don't live near them and it's hard to do on the phone. Also I think men often deal with things differently and find it hard to talk about emotions. Don't really agree with your counsellor - think a lot of people find it hard to talk about these things.
I think getting through grief and bereavement is a bit like getting out of a maze. Sometimes you seem to be making good progress and sometimes you can feel you are almost back where you started. It isn't a steady progression - it'd be a lot easier if it was! I also think that everyone is different and you can't compare yourself with others (especially family members) and expect to be feeling the same or better than you are. Hope this helps.

Could you write them down and/or share them with us?

I understand what you mean whitecloud about the maze. That is often what it feels like. My Dad was talking to a friend of his who was also recently widowed quite suddenly and I think it really helped him to be able to help his friend since he understands how they are feeling. He was saying how the friend was finding it so hard since although people say all the "right" things, they never really understand. I guess this was his way of trying to say that is how he feels too. That is the only time he has really mentioned anything since Mum died.

I don't think I could write anything down physcially just now. Not sure why. Maybe I am not ready to completely admit she is gone for ever and ever... I only just realised that when thinking about what you posted posieparker so thanks - I think I have discovered I am actually not very far on in the grieving process.

Thanks again for your replies. It does help to be able to talk about it in this way.