I miss my dad so much

[neverenoughMEtime]

Just sitting here alone crying my heart out yet again...just needed to tell someone..my dad died 18 months ago and i miss him so badly i dont know how to deal with it. I cant talk to my mum as she is struggling too. My brothers never mention him. Ive just had DD2 and feel PND creeping up on top of my anxiety issues and grief. I feel lost tbh. I just want to hug my dad and tell him i love him. He died in the night at hospital after a 2 year battle with pancreatic cancer. I cant cope with the fact that we didnt say goodbye. I saw him the night before he died in hospital and kissed his head, said bye dad but he wasn't really with it and didn't say it back. We had no idea he would die that night or we wouldn't have left his side. I dashed to the hospital as soon as they rang saying he was deteriorating but was too late, missed him by a couple of minutes (the doors to the hospital were locked and the security guards took their time opening them despite me almost smashing one of them by banging so hard... )

Spent 5 hours with him, felt the warmth seep out of his body and part of me died with him

I dont know why im posting. I miss him so bad it hurts. My little DD1 often sits on her bed chatting away to him "im going to big school Papa" just breaks my heart.

I cant imagine never seeing him ever again. Never thought i would lose my dad.

Oh sad. Poor you!! What a great little girl you have, it might be breaking your heart, but hopefully it will allow you to grieve and see that part of him will always live on.

This has made me cry my eyes out

I'm so SO sorry for what you've gone through.

Your love for and closeness to your beloved Dad emanates from your post in waves.

I am exceptionally close to my Dad (and my DD worships him) and as he gets older I can't help but imagine a time when he's not around and it kills me .

Very big and very unMN hugs for you.

I am so sorry you are feeling this loss, I won't pretend to have answers but I have recently started seeing a Cruse counsellor (waited four months)to help me cope with the loss of my Mum who passed away when I was five months pregnant in March 09. It took me a while to apply for help as I wondered how someone who didn't know my Mum could do me any good, but I feel little by little it is definitely helping with the grief - things like going over the day she died in the hospital and things that bothered me, like your being locked out, somehow by talking them out it is making me not go over them in my head so much.

Before my Mum died I would have thought my family would all be there for each other in our grief - it has not worked out like that, and the counsellor has emphasised to me that that is not unusual at all.

The sorrow is so deep, life is not the same, and with a new baby too everything seems upside down - I really feel for you, honestly.

Thanks so much for replying..sorry i made you cry bunny...it took me an hour to type that, shaky hands blurry eyes..ah i dont know. No-one can fix this can they. How do you deal with that.

Thanks misty i do have a fantastic little girl, she loves my dad so much we have a teddy that he recorded a little message in for her when he knew he would die, one of those build a bear thingys. He says at the end "i love you" and she always giggles and says "i love you too papa"

Bunny i know how scared you must feel about losing your dad one day, i feel the same about my mum now. Thanks for the hugs really need them tonight x

Never

I am so sorry to hear you sounding so sad.
Good dad's are amazing aren't they? and it so sad when they are gone.

What helped me was really setting aside thinking time, time to recall in intense detail our relationship and in doing this I was able to incorporate him into my very essence.

My dad died over 4 years ago now, but each day I feel his influence in my actions , thoughts and deeds.The fact I love my DC so wholeheartedly is a living tribute to what he gave me, and so in a way he carries on.

I keep snapshot of him smiling, not long before he died, and each morning I greet him, and touch it,it helps.

Be kind to yourself and pay back his love to your own DC

Take care xx

Thanks ohfuschia. Thats interesting about the counsellor. I may look into it. Be good to get it all out of my head like you say. So sorry to hear about your mum. When you were pregnant too, how hard that must be for you.

My family have not pulled together like i imagined they would. I literally have no-one to talk to about this.

I kept loads of my dads things, i have his glasses, his work tie, his clothes..5000 photographs..i'll never let them go

iwastooearly thanks for your kind words. I have a photo by my bed too. Sorry about your dad too..i set aside thinking time too but always ends up like this, where i can hardly breathe im crying so much..all i can think of is how much i miss him and the time we looked into eachothers eyes a few days before he died and both said i love you. That gives me great comfort but also makes me cry more...

Im an emotional person anyway, just like my dad. I always wondered why he could never tell me about his parents without crying when they died so long ago...now i can see myself getting upset too when im telling my grown up DD's about him in years to come!

I have no idea if im making sense here, im exhausted and eyes ae sore..must go to bed and try to sleep...thanks for reading and posting such kind words guys..will check back tomorrow..

Sleep well.

You are making perfect sense neMt

Please come back tomorrow and let us know how you're doing?

x

I appreciate your thoughts, thankyou. And when you say 'No-one can fix this can they. How do you deal with that.' - that's it right there. Pretty much everything else I've dealt with in life I can can look at it in another way, see a different side, make it a bit better somehow. There's nothing doing with this that's going to make it seem better - the outcome is always the same. But these chinks of relief I've been getting have made me see a little of how in the future I may be able to cherish the memories without the aching loss that still accompanies them for now at least. Some nights (and mornings, and afternoons) are harder than others - you're obviously really going through it right now, and sometimes I have to let myself cry my heart out as you have been doing, and let yourself do it, you miss your Dad, and why the hell shouldn't you? Your little girl sounds gorgeous. I understand your worry about the pnd, I worried too, for me looking back it was really the grief and while I can't guess for you of course I hope you are kind to yourself with everything you are coping with. Hugs (can't keep up these days with whether they're MN or not but they're sent anyway!) from here. It is a lonely place but you are not alone in what you are feeling.

Hope you are sleeping now and tomorrow is a better day.

I am so so sorry about your dad. Wonderful dad's are just irreplaceale. I lost mine in April 2009, I am an only child and finding supporting my Mum very tough.

I was so close to my Dad, life is just not the same without him and it never will be again. My herat is broken, and always will be as Dad was always the one who fixed it....he fixed everything and I miss him so much.

The recording your Dad did for your dd is beautiful, she will treasure that always.

My Dad died very suddennly, he hadn't even been ill. One minute he was here, then bagn he was gone, just like that. I just can not get my head round that one.

I have no advice, am just walking the same path and am holding out a hand to you.

xx

A friend's father died recently and when she told me she said " Us daddies girls have to stick together " We are/were so lucky to have had such marvellous dads. Dad died 2 years ago and I miss him so much. Walking and crying was my way of coping and talking incessently about him and to him as if he was still here.
Was a long time before I could lie down without tears trickling into my ears--Pilates always reduced me a soggy mess.
Miss you Dad. XX

Sorry your dad died, it might be helpful to talk with your mum although I'm sure it won't be easy, you both need to talk about him cry laugh and remember him.
People sometimes think it best not to mention someone who has died but I have always been thankful to anyone who mentioned my lovely DH.
Macmillan are very supportive either you or your mum can speak to them.

Sorry your dad died, it might be helpful to talk with your mum although I'm sure it won't be easy, you both need to talk about him cry laugh and remember him.
People sometimes think it best not to mention someone who has died but I have always been thankful to anyone who mentioned my lovely DH.
Macmillan are very supportive either you or your mum can speak to them.

Hi ladies,

Thankyou so much for these posts, i was so low last night..feeling a little better this morning thankyou x

ohfuschia Thats it, i have always been able to make things a little better somehow, its never been the end, so final iykwim. Now it is and thats what im struggling with..and yes i think it is the grief ontop of an anxiety disorder im dealing with rather than PND. I hope so anyway..thanks for the hugs

DrNorthener Gosh how awful for you, so sorry about your dad. My brothers dont seem to be supporting my mum so it seems its just me trying to keep her going so i feel the same as you..its tough isn't it.

trumpton Sorry about your dad, i talk to my dad all the time too, it helps doesnt it.

onlyjoking Sorry to hear you lost your DH..its my mum who doesn't seem to like talking about it. Ive tried lots of times, she talks for a few minutes and then changes the subject. I think maybe she doesnt want to upset me? Dont know but im always ready to talk about my dad..just got no-one who really wants to listen and talk back..

neverenoughMEtime
I really identify with your feelings about not being able to say goodbye. My Dad had a brain haemorrhage and did not know us at all. It was awful. It helped when my counsellor said I was not to know and my lovely Dad would not have held it against me. Grief counselling has helped me. Two years on my subconscious has just about accepted that he's gone.
Also - it's hard to accept that the family don't always pull together. My brothers and I did work together over the illnesses of my parents but they don't live near me and I find it hard to talk about how I am feeling when I don't see them often. The whole thing is very painful to talk about and I think they cope by keeping quiet and carrying on. Grief is such a lonely thing and it takes everyone in different ways. It helps to know that this isn't uncommon.

Your dd sounds a comfort. All of you who have very young children and are coping with this - I admire you for being so brave.

Thanks whitecloud, sorry you lost your dad. I agree that your dad wouldn't have held it against you, brain haemorrage (sorry not sure of spelling!) is awful I know what you mean about not feeling comfortable talking about your feelings to your brothers when you dont see them often. It is lonely.

Im going to look into grief counselling, i feel it would help me. Everything brings back memories, everywhere i go. I had a CD of mixed songs in my car on the night my dad died and it was on while i was dashing to the hospital, and on the way home. Now when im shopping, every time without fail i go into a shop and one of those songs is playing. Every time. Makes me feel a wave of sadness and nerves as i remember speeding to hosp at 1am..I always point it out to DH.
We were watching tweenies this morning and they went to the isle of man, to the fairy bridge. My dad took me there when i was a child and i remember so clearly..seeing the bridge and the sign on tv i remember dad's every word when we were in the car driving past that sign..telling me to look for the fairies..make a wish..so wierd to see it again. I remember going back home after that visit (dad was working there for 2 months and mum and i went to see him) i remember sitting in the plane and waving at my dad through the window, he was stood there waving like mad and it is so clear in my mind...

This is what i struggle with, im constantly going over old memories, everywhere i go im reminded which is lovely but how can the pain get better this way. I dont know.

Thanks for reading, just had to get that out!

What a lovely memory,

I don't know if this will make sense, but even though you and your brothers have lost the same man, each one of you will have had a unique relationship with him, and so you have all lost someone different iyswim.

And will have to deal with it in your own way too.

When my Dad died and I came back here after the funeral, my brother pointed out, in a kind way, that in some ways it was easier for him as he lived in the same community as my father and everyone knew about his loss, and had known my dad too.So there was masses of support, kind words, memories to share, that sort of thing.

Whereas I returned to'normal life'140 miles away,where nobody knew my dad and apart from a few kind and concerned friends, it was a non-story.

i thought it was interesting that you said your dad also became teary when talking about his parents.Maybe you are very much alike and who says crying is bad thing?

hope you have a better few days, and make sure you get some help if you think PND is lurking

best wishes x

Thankyou iwastooearly. It makes perfect sense i see what you mean.
I am very much like my dad, emotional and look like him, my DD1 also has a look of him which is lovely.

Will keep an eye on the PND thing, thanks x

neverenoughMEtime Will say Moghrey Mie to the little people for you and your Dad when I next go over the bridge. My Dad died 2 years ago.I miss him so much.

Ah trumpton thank you thats so lovely!! I want to take DD's there!

Hope you are doing ok, so hard isn't it. Hugs to you x