Help please! DS 8 is in a very dark place.

[Sixer]

he woke this morning at 5.45am and didn't want to go back to sleep. So he woke his brother (they share a room) and played very noisily until 7.30. He then spent his time during breakfast bickering and teasing DS2. I could see he clearly wasn't happy, and quite grumpy/angry. Both DP and myself were also taking alot of back chat from him. I told both DS's to go and put their shoes on, it was time for school. I thought he was probably tired, so didn't react to most things that were said and done. Until, he got up from the table, pushed the chair away, slammed the kitchen door, and stormed into the porch, pushing the dog and DS2 on the way. That was enough for me to stop him in his tracks and have a word along the lines of not accepting his behavior. He then went into meltdown, shouting how he was fed up with me and dp always telling him what to do! in amongst this outburst he said he just wanted to die, that he felt like he wanted to go into the kitchen take the biggest knife and "stick it there", (banging his right chest). DP didn't hear this going on as he was loading his van ready for work, however when he came back in and saw DS1 on the floor in floods of tears, he said straight away, that DS1 was not going to school. DS1 has a history at school, and recently was on an internal excluesion. He's not malicious, he's an extremely big boy for his age, that reacts sometimes to others. 9/10 they come off worse, so the school has to react appropiately, as DS1 has hurt another child. I've rightly or wrongly told the teacher exactly why he's not at school today. She suggests my first port of call should be to phone the GP. However I've decided a MN jury would be the best port of call. (I don't want to talk to RL friends about this). DS1 has now calmed down and is chillin on the sofa. or at least he was until school phoned! just! so i've just taken to school and he was in a very good mood. His teacher is still saying I should take him to the GP. I'm not so sure, I'm thinking it was maybe a cry for more attention? I just don't know what to do or how to take this. thanks for reading!

thanks! but the idea of going that route is scary! so many what if's. he's had a really good year at school more or less. We even noticed a change in himat home, as in calm, happy, easy going, growing up, being sensible. This mornings outburst...it's not normal for children to say that sort of stuff, is it??

Is he super tired? My only DD 9.2 really over reacts when she is tired, it's coming to the end of term and all her class were drooping by the time they finished. I'd probably do what crispy suggested TBH.

as a teacher i wouldn't suggest the gp as a first port of call.
i would see how long the behaviour has been going on - are there particular children/ activities that trigger it?
is he being bullied/ got at by anyone? (sometimes larger children who are big softies can be pushed to the brink by unkind comments and then they lash out.
what are school doing to support him/ prevent another exclusion?
is he just a large boy who can't control himself? maybe a physical sport with strict self control rules such as judo may help?

have a chat with him about what is making him so unhappy. you might get something - or not.

see if you can find a pattern to his behaviour.
talk to him.
what are school doing.

IME the gps near our school are only too happy to put kids on ritalin when there are other factors that need to be addressed.

I would support mrsflux's comments. Take a step back. It has been an upsetting morning for you. You and your DP need some time tonight to talk about it - and you need emotional support.

But I wouldn't rush to see the GP. It is near the end of term, they are all exhausted and he may just need some space from school and peer group to settle down and relax.

New teacher next year, break from friends, it could all be very different. I would talk to him, tell him that pushing sibling and rest of what happened this morning is unacceptable. Cuddle him, tell him you love him and that you want him to be happy so you're there to listen to any worries he has.

I think sometimes kids can say really 'out there' things to get a reaction - it was a cry for help, but maybe a cry that you in your family unit can answer rather than a cry for medical help.

Agree, your first port of call should be (after MN!) some quiet time at home, some chat with him.

Try gently to suggest that him staying home today was not a reward for bad behaviour but a sign of love and support from you as he was obviously feeling so bad. Then try to discover what's going on with him.

I wonder if the early waking is an indication that he's worrying about something?

I think that this is quite common in boys of that age: they get their first rush of testosterone and can't really handle it. I spent days in tears at the "I just want to die" comments. He's now 9 and we don't have this at all any more; and I have since heard of several boys who went through a not dissimilar phase.

I agree with comments above that trip to gp is over reacting at this stage and may end up making more of a problem than there is. Talk to him and try to have him explain what it is that makes him unhappy. Also make sure that he knows that your love for him is completely unconditional-there's nothing he can do that will change it. I think that boys of this age test the boundaries a bit on this.

Good luck -just try to be calming rather than the opposite. He is old enough for you to talk through anger management strategies with him and will appreciate your trying to understand him

Thank you so much everyone! It's so nice to know that in a crisis MN is here. I have had a good read and digested, and thought alot today. When I collected DS from school, his teacher did ask me again if i had contacted the GP. I told her no, that I wanted to have a proper chat with DP before I made any hasty decisions. DS was able to sit quietly with a lovely calm adult mentor at lunch time. I know she has really good chats with him and DS can off load to her. I wasn't able to catch up with her after school though. I am very confused though about these rushes of testostrone! When DS started school we had quite a few blips. I remember being told that at 4 this is the biggest testostrone surge and thought great! that's us til teenage years. So is this another stage? and if so, are there many more to go? I help DS and me handle it if I know It's happening. Thank you again Mners for your kind words of wisdom and knowledge.