Hit by my 3 yr old :-(

[MitheredMum]

Hi,

Please can someone help with suggestions - I have a lovely 3yr6mth boy, he is very shy when at nursery and they say he is very well behaved and polite - only once in 3 yrs have they told me he was on timeout. With me he is a different character and is trying to push his boundry most days. He has always been a 'rough' boy and can get too boysterous when playing, however as my friends boys are a 6-9 months younger he can often hurt them by being too rough so often have to pull him away when he has his 'mischeivous' days. Sometimes he looks like he is being out right nasty and Im struggling to cope with that as a starter. However, lately he has started to lash out at me when I tell him off or I take him away/something off him. He can kick, punch, smack or throw something at me in temper and he can really hurt me. I am using every last ounze of energy not to be physical with him cos he makes me so cross. Over the past year I have done shouting in hope to fear him, naughty step, binning toys, ignore to hope he shames into being sorry but all these things seem to have no affect on him, he just laughs or ignores me. I have a 1 yr old daughter too and im now worried she is watching his behaviour and is going to think its ok as she has started to tantrum in a baby way.

I dont want all my time with my kids to be stressed and telling him off cos it ends up taking over the whole day and resulting in early bedtime.

Please can someone point me in the right direction as I feel Ive well and truely hit a brick wall :-(

1,2,3 magic. It works. It sounds like he is frustrated, so give him time to process things.

"I'm going to count to three, then I want you to do x, or stop doing y, give that to me... whatever.

My DD2 is almost 3, and she can be really fiery, but no matter what she is doing, I continue counting. By '3' she has realised that she is better off doing as I ask.

Sometimes the 123 thing works with my dd (4m younger than your son)Sometimes not.Tonight for instance,after an hour long tantrum,screaming at me full volume,throwing things etc,I had shouted but then calmed down a bit and she was slamming the loo seat down in anger shouting "I WANT you to be angry with me Mummy,I want you to be ANGRY" hmm.I think she wanted me to really lose my temper and shout so that she could somehow cry and stop being so angry.She hits me if her sister has annoyed her,she is a terrible basher,and she has also hurled her supper onto the floor.Depending on how tired/hungry/coming down from a sugar rush after a party she is,some tactics work ,or not.I found my older dd much harder at three than two,the ante was certainly upped,and dd2 seems the same.I don't have any great tips,just symapthy.I was so tempted to smack her yesterday that I had to get DH to just take over while I came downstairs for a little weep.And then she can also be so kind and polite and she is so sensitive and loving.I think three is tricky,but four is much easier.five has been great but now Dd1 is five and a half a bit of boundry pushing is going on,not helped by the uber tantrumming example of small sister.Roll on 14.....

1,2,3 worked brilliantly for ds once he turned three. The if he doesn't comply by 3 he gets sent to his room for a few minutes, which he hates. Usually all I need to say to him now (he just turned 4) is 'do I need to count?' and he stops whatever.

1,2,3 worked brilliantly for ds once he turned three. The consequence if he doesn't comply by 3 is that he gets sent to his room for a few minutes, which he hates. Usually all I need to say to him now (he just turned 4) is 'do I need to count?' and he stops whatever.

Talk to the nursery about their techniques, and try duplicating them at home. It's really unlikely that your DS has done nothing naughty in 3yrs at nursery, so I'm assuming that they are nipping the problem in the bud before it escalates to a time out situation.

I agree with the others about using 1,2,3. Also try using soft no's. Start with the long wordy explanation why he can't do something 'it's not nice to hit, it hurts mummy', and then shorten the responses until you are just monotonously repeating 'no' in a soft calm voice. Takes some of the energy out of the situation and is also boring for the child.

Hi, the 1,2,3 thing is good but some other things to try:

1. If he hits try "no hitting" in a firm voice then walk away from him compleately ignore him when he is calm again go up to him and say "thank you for calming down." and give him some attention.
2. Try distracting him in a very very happy voice which may draw his attention away from whatever he is moaning at.
3. As a last resort calm down time may help, for things like major hitting ect.

Thank you all - I am going to start a new day with a new approach to how I discipline. I felt so bad by last night that this was my last resort (I was searching for some proff advice when came accross this!)
Thanks for your suggestions (&Sympathy!!) here goes.....!!

Just wanted to say you are not alone, my DS broke my glasses yesterday as he grabbed them from my face and threw them during one of his rages yesterday.

Can I just ask those of you who use this 1,2,3 technique, what do you do if you carry out the punishment, put them in their room or whatever and they come straight back out again? Do you do the supernanny technique and keep taking them back? Also when you are ignoring your DCs until they calm down, WWYD if they don't calm down and follow you, sort of refusing to be ignored, as it were?

I think I will try piprabbit's soft no technique as my DS definitely wants to get a reaction out of me. He has a very physical temper and it is so hard not to react!

Snap! I feel more annoyed that i can actually be hurt by a 3 yr old!! Im goign for the soft calm approach and explaining every action as i go - so far today not that bad - but spent good few hours away from him so should be ok!! I know there is lots of mums in same boat but it feels so lonely when you cant control your own child - this isnt what i signed up for! - they never put this is the pregnancy books!!!
hope soft no works for you too

bondgirl77, my DD1 (SN) is very demanding, very direct in getting attention. She goes wild if you ignore her. Just do it. No-one can MAKE you give them attention. You just have to resolve that no matter what they do, you will remain calm and disinterested. Eventually, they will want to get involved in the positive thing you are doing.

what works for me, with my child, is that as soon as I see her doing something that I need to stop (be it that she has taken something that is delicate, or she is arguing with her sister, whatever), I quickly think of a 'consequence'.

I think, personally, that the consequence has to fulfil a set of criteria: Small (so that it doesn't escalate into a massive deal very quickly); immediate (3 year olds have a very short memory and association time-frame); 'doable' (don't threaten 'time-out' if you actually have to be out the door 10 minutes ago!).

So, I always start with (soft-voice) "DD2, put that back please" or "DD2, stop that, please", whatever.

Then, if she says 'no', or ignores me, I say "DD2222...." (solemn voice)

Then I move onto my count "Right. DD2. I am going to count to 3. If I get to 3 and you haven't done x, then I will...."

To be honest, half the time, now that they are in practice, I can use something as simple as "....then I will have to help you!" They are so focused on the 1,2,3, that they don't always really think about the consequence and weigh up the options, they just do it because they've heard "2" and think "Oops! 3 is next!!"

If they are being more determined, (and mine are headstrong little things), I find that I need to have a 2nd consequence. So, say I want them to go inside. I say "blah blah blah, you will sit on the naugthy step". I count to 3, they ignore. Right, DD2 must sit on the naughty step. If she got up, I would sit her back on the step, reminding her that I decide when she gets down. Her time starts again. Each time she gets up, I would calmly, firmly, direct her back to the step, and after a few times, I would say "if you don't sit on the step, you won't have your yoghurt, or whatever." All the time, I would be giving LOTS of attention to my other children.

I do 1,2,3 and then on three I will either do it for them or take it away, dependant on what is happening, so removing the chance for them to carry on creating.
I have a nice pile of toys down the back of the sofa I have 1,2,3'd into removal

Hi Mitheredmum, I could have written your post myself

My DS is 3'9 and his behaviour is exactly the same, great at nursery but becomes quite physical with me, kicking hitting etc

I had a baby in March so I do put someof his behaviour down to that as cannot give him as much attention these days but even so some days I am close to tears at his behaviour

I love him to bits but makes me so cross, will try the technique and see if it works to be honest anything that doesn't envolve me shouting and getting stressed sounds good

Please exscuse lack of full stops, button doesn't seem to work

Yes I did put some behaviour down to new baby but he's 3'7 and she's 1 next week so have to stop excusing him. Ive been trying to stay calm since blow out on thur and so far so good, his general behaviour is same but im handling it better. he's normally bad when its just me so waiting for week to start and will see if im ok - i agree with you tho, anything that stops me shouting and gettin irate will help cos it cant be good for neither me nor him if im a reck of emotion by the end of the day!!
I keep being told boys need keepin in check under 5 or they'l rule the roost so keep thinkin it'l stop soon!! just hope she's not the same in few yrs cos I cant go thru this again!! After all the moaning and ranting its just upsetting, cos like you I love him to bits and it doesnt feel right to always be arguing with him!!
Hope it goes good for you x

another user of 123 method here but also have found sometimes it seems to be just sheer frustration at feeling emotions that are too enormous for them - we tried saying to ds that when he was angry it was ok to say that he was very angry, but not ok to hit.
it works some of the time (123 and a toy removed as ultimate sanction when it doesnt). so long as you don't inadvertently laugh when confronted with someone usually wearing only their pants standing on the stairs bellowing "MUMMY I AM VERY ANGRY AT YOU".