HELP- can't cope with 1yr old

[missycantstop]

I am a 19yr old mum to a disabled 2yr old son, a 1yr old daughter and a 3week old son. The boys are fantasic but i can't cope with my little girl any more. She always bangs her head, hits, pinches, bites in temper. I can't tell her off without her shouting and screaming at me. She never does as she is told and to make things worse she keeps taking off her nappy going to the toilet all over the carpet and then wipes it all over herself, the pillows, blankets,walls, everywhere. If anyone watched supernanny last night that 9yr old is just like my 1yr old. At the moment i really don't like my little girl around, she just makes things hard. Don't get me wrong i love her to pieces and can't be without her i just wish she would start doing as she is told.

It sounds like one of those vicious circles. You need to break the cycle, start focusing as much postive attention as you can on her (despite the fact you feel like tearing your hair out ) and you should notice her behaviour change with yours.

Oh Missy i sont know what to say, my 11 month old drives me mad sometimes but i jsut try to stay calm and let him calm himself down by crying it out, sorry i have no constructive advice but i want you to know im here

missycantstop - do you have anyone around to help/support you with the day to day child care?
If she is only 1 then it is little wonder she doesn?t do as she is told - I guess she won?t even understand a lot of what you are trying to tell her. It is so hard with a baby of this age - they are often really clingy and require constant reassuring/attention but are also becoming more independant and experimental (such as the nappy thing - been there too AAAAAGGGGH very frustrating...). With both of my girls at similar ages they would want me to pick them up and carry them everywhere one minute, cry if I left a room without them and yet push me away and want to do things for themselves the next. While it is logical and I understood why they were trying to step out on their own, it is so exhausting isn?t it?? My DD2 is now 20 months and is a lot better, as they are able to understand and do more, they do become less demanding - honest
I found it always helped me to cope when I thought about why they were doing something rather than just seeing it as naughty or to annoy me - if I thought about it I could usually see that they were just wanting my attention, smearing poo was just experimenting and playing, not deliberately foul etc. etc. easy to say, not easy to do, I know.

Sounds like you could do with a bit of help/support if you don?t have it, have a bit of time out to give yourself a bit of renewed energy and find your "inner calm" You will look back on this in a few years with a sense of humour and see the funny side in some of it - even the poo - trust me

hi missycantstop,
just wanted to send sympathy & support. You have your hands really full at the moment.
it's so difficult with the older children when a new one arrives, isn't it? obviously you have been through it before with your elder ds, and was the age gap similar? My dd was just over 2 when ds arrived, but immediately I expected her to grow up and act as if she was much older than she really was. I shudder to remember how I went overnight from looking after her every step of the way to shouting at her for not doing things by herself . Is it possible that you are expecting too much of your dd because you are so busy with No 3? My ds is now 18 months and he still thinks it is absolutely hilarious to do the opposite of what he is told, he runs away when I say 'come here', he throws things when I ask him to give them to me, and so on. They are still babies really in so many ways. Can you get anyone to help you out so that you can have 1-1 time with your dd and your other ds? Like other posts have said, when yoi get yourself calm it seems to pass on to the child so they become calmer as well. Good luck

i have my partner but he works full time and its always shift work so that doesn't help.
my first child was exactly a week under a year when my little girl was born.

Missycantstop Although I can't completely put myself in your shoes, I have 3 step children, under 8 and I am 22.They are great but it seems that at a very young age they can learn how to push all your buttons. I think the other posts have valuable advice but sometimes it is hard to stay calm. At times when I just can't rationalise, I usually take 5 mins out, make a cup of tea, and just have 5 mins away from the situation. You will be amazed at the perspective you can gain in that time.

the poo thing sounds like a nightmare

have you tried putting her in dungarees so she can't get to her nappy?

Bloody hell! Sounds like you are doing an impossible job!

I've heard people swear that electrical tape (around the nappy) is good for preventing poo-obsessers from accessing their nappies.

Are you getting any help? I have friends who have Homestart visitors and say that they are a godsend.

Another thought about the nappy thing - try putting pants over the top and then outer clothes. She is obv. a really bright little girl to be so active so young.

she can undress herself so extra clothing doesnt work.

What about flipping the coin and going slightly OTT when she does listen. we use star charts as a reward system in our house. Our youngest has just 1 big star that moves up and down the chart dependant on his behaviour. It is amazing how quickly they catch on. There are four pictures on his chart, the lowest being the puddle- v.naughty,next the rain cloud, not quite as naughty but still not good, then a rainbow- good behaviour and finally, the sunshine! And when he gets there, he gets a reward. It doesn't have to be something big, you will be amazed at what he sees as a reward! We review his chart after every mealtime and I show him the star moving up or down so that he can see his performance. It works wonders.I find with the youngest positive praise and encouragement for good behaviour has far more beneficial results than shouting, as they are too young to understand. Hope that helps.

what kind of rewards do you give, if you dont mind me asking

I reckon 1 is the worst age, much worse than 2, in that the child of 12 months usually has such limited language skills and cannot be reasoned with! You just can't leave a 12 month old unattended for a MOMENT in my experience, particularly if they are walking.
The pooh thing sounds like a real bummer, if you will pardon the pun. My friend's dd had a similar phase at 14 months - she would reach into the back of her nappy and flick pooh all over the place. Unfortunately some babies just really dig their own pooh and there's very little you can do about it until they are older (but by then, hopefully the phase will have passed. You rarely see a 2 or 3 year old who wants play with pooh, even if they are obsessed with talking about it and making pooh jokes!).
Just hang in there! Try to be kind to her. She really doesn't know what she is doing yet, and I suspect that if you are constantly cross with her it will only make things worse.
If you are religious in any way, shape or form, the 'God grant nme the serenity' prayer can really help! Helps me, any way.

I am not sure rewards will work with a 1 yr old personally. Not sure they are able to understand consequence and rewards well enough for it to work. prefer the instant praise when changing an untampered nappy and exxagerrated frowny, sad face when messy - rather than angry, cross face. they get so much out of praise and read tone of voice and facial expressions much more than words or presents.

I guess you just need to be patient and as calm as you can stand it. Hard I am sure. Also, rather obvious, but try to get her to tell you when she has done a poo - get her to pracitising saying "poo poo" or whatever you use everytime you change her so she starts to cotton on and say it herself - praise when she does. Hopefully when she poos she will learn to come and tell you rather than sit down and play with it as she knows you will be happy and praise her for telling you IFYWIM?
Also - how about buying some playdough -no seriously, maybe get her some tactile playtime in with different textures to let her have fun - gloop, porridge etc. all good fun and a lot cleaner?

yeah basketcase playdough is a great idea! seriously! I read that kids of this age like playdough because it reminds them of their pooh, or the idea of their pooh. So hopefully she could displace her pooh-playing onto the playdough.
However, since she is so young, it might be one of those things you have to put up with for a few more months.

Missycantstop- Apoligies for the delay in responding. Rewards can be specific to the child. Sometimes if his star has been there for a whole day (rarely!) he will get a small toy but otherwise just things that they love doing. Some of my examples are making his favourite food, taking to the park, getting to watch his favourite video (it doesn't happen often with 2 older siblings). These are my examples and he is older but the simplest of rewards is your undivided love and affection for as long as possible. Lots of kisses and cuddles and encouraging that sort of behaviour and ignoring (yes I know its hard) the bad stuff.