Not sure how to handle DS2 - help please!

[Millie1]

I've just read Oblomov's thread from top to bottom and can relate to much of what she has written but here goes, anyway,

DS2 is 6 and there are times his behaviour is worse than that of a two year old. He's a shy little boy (painfully so) who copes with T1 Diabetes and the associated injections, finger pricks and for him, embarrassment, that it brings. He and his brother changed schools in Sept last and for DS2, the new school has been fabulous - he has friends in his year group including a 'best friend', the staff are empathetic regarding his diabetes and treat him with kindness and understanding. He's doing well at school - we notice a difference in his reading, writing, numeracy and most importantly, self-confidence. His teacher sees a huge difference in him over the course of the year - has come out of himself lots and is starting to join in class discussions - and is mixing much better.

At home ... well, at times it's a completely different story. Most of the time, he's a well behaved, kind boy who plays well with his brother and sisters. There's a huge BUT coming ... he just can't control his temper and frustation when things don't go his way. If anyone says something to him which he doesn't like, he whines 'x is not being nice to me'. It doesn't take much for a full-scale tantrum during which he'll stomp off, slam doors, fling toys about and throughout howl (and I mean howl) as though he's in pain. This can easily go on for 10-15 mins. I've had three of these meltdowns so far today, and a few yesterday. It's going to be a long summer holiday if he keeps this up! It's the howling that gets to us - that and grunting in response to any questions or comments which we might make.

We've tried talking to him and asking how he feels and how we can help him deal with the anger/frustration/sadness he feels. We've done punishments but it's water of a ducks back. At the moment, we're half-heartedly taking toys away for bad behaviour.

We just don't know what to do. Most of the time he's a loving little boy with a good sense of humour and a great personality.

We do believe that diabetes and his feelings about his condition cause him much angst. He won't talk much about it except to sometimes ask whether there will be a cure and to tell us he doesn't like injections. His Diabetes Support Nurse has suggested he see a psychologist but we don't want to do that if possible - certainly not to have it on his medical records and we can't seem to access someone who we can talk to off the record just to get advice.

Does anyone have any suggestions about where or how we might start to help our little one. Ideas to build his self-esteem and help him come out of his shell a bit - esp in public, would be much appreciated as well as a suitable approach to punishments and handling tantrums.

Thanks for reading if you've got this far!

Seeing a psychologist isn't something to be ashamed of. If the diabetes nurse suggests it I would give it a try.

Even at a very young age children can be very aware of the need to protect their parents from upsetting topics of conversation. There may be things he is worrying about that he just can't ask you. He needs to be able to speak freely about his concerns for now and for the future.

As far as behaviour goes all you can do it be calm and consistent. Try hard to use rewards rather than punishments because if he is a already feeling that he's getting a raw deal taking his toys away will just make it worse. As always just ignore tantrums then make sure you're available for a post tantrum cuddle and chat.

Make sure that he is getting some nice one to one time with you that isn't diabetes related too. He needs to know that he is a boy with diabetes but still a boy and your son first and foremost.

He has had a lot to cope with in the change of school and probably lots of unwanted attention about the diabetes. Try to offer him huge amounts of love and reassurance while making sure that he is still expected to behaved reasonably in the same way as the rest of the family.

Millie, I am here. was scrolling and found your thread.
Just to mention, not that I have any advice, as you know, BUT
I am a type !, diagnosed at aged 1. And at times have had great resentment towards my diabetes. so I think the diabetic nurse speaks sense.
Plus my mum keeps reminding me that at 6 it is very hard for children to describe their emotions. so when you say you've asked him and he can't put it into words, thats no surprise.

My GP was refered us to paed specialist.a dn we were told we would prob see a child pyschologist as part of his team. talk to your dh about going to see the gp and asking for this ?

if i can help you any more, please ask.

Thanks for replying ladies. I know it might come across that we're ashamed of seeing a psychologist - we're definitely not but worried where it might lead. A while back he had speech therapy and an inexperienced speech therapist phoned school to arrange for another dept to go in and assess him in the classroom - without even advising us. There was a tremendous fuss - it was just after he started the new school. That's when I had a frank discussion with his teacher and she catergorically said that in her opinion, he's just really introverted and shy, will never be a leader and needs time and familiarity to come out of himself. I guess I'm also concerned that he simply will not talk to a pscyhologist - even after 3 years he'll barely say hello to diabetic team! But I guess they're used to that. We're very careful not to focus everything around diabetes - it's hard sometimes and evey meal certainly does have a focus on his carbs . Great advice about not punishing but rewarding instead - I'll talk to DH tonight about going along that route for a while.

Oblomov - my problems are minor but frustrating nonetheless. You were also dx'd very young - he was 3 - you'll have a better understanding than most of how he might be feeling inside - assuming this behaviour is linked to diabetes. And yes, I can understand that he can't really vocalise how he's feeling but even if he told me he can't help getting mad, I'd feel we were getting somewhere.

Sorry for making that assumption. My DD is being seen by a psychologists and a psychiatrist just now and they have been very very careful to ensure that they have our permission before disclosing anything to school.

I can understand why you would be concerned not to have a repeat of your earlier experience but I think a normally good little boy who is suddenly lashing out like this could really need someone to talk to outside the family.

I know what you mean about him not wanting to talk. My DD has taken 6 months to begin talking to her psychologist. CAMHS have been really good because they thought it was important for her to talk. They have changed clinicians to a woman for her and worked hard to find ways to keep her engaged with them. She doesn't like to open up but they have persisted and are getting there slowly.

Good luck with the rewards. It is easier said than done. Lots of little comments pointing out what you like about his behaviour could help too. Just a thank you for hanging his coat up or a well done for not treading on a toy can be a good way of building self-esteem if it happens often. Try to use the words "I like the way you....." several times every day.

Parenting is a long series of trial and error experiences and nobody ever tells us what we got right. I hope things improve for him soon.

Boys find it really hard to talk about feelings like this though, don't they, Millie.

It took ds (10) a year to tell me how he felt about being diagnosed with Ehlers Danlos (and then he muttered quite out of the blue "it's the worst feeling there is"- made me want to cry ). But in the intervening year, we have seen a lot of challenging behaviour. But like your ds, he behaves well at school though rather quiet and shy, and cooperates with his treatment.

His sister did eventually have counselling; we're waiting to see how things go with ds.

Thanks Al1son & Cory. It sounds like a slow and careful process with a psychologist Al1son ... DH and i were talking earlier and wondering whether we could talk to someone off the record, just as a starting point. We're going to work with him over the next while and see how he goes. He has his next diabetes clinic apt in August so we can always have a chat there although there's a long waiting list for their psychologist. A friend of my sister's is a paed psychologist - she and I don't see eye to eye (at least we didn't in our youth ) but maybe she would see us privately now? Worth thinking about.

Cory - thanks for sharing your experiences. I do think some of it is possibly a 'boy thing' ... he doesn't open up about anything most of the time then out of the blue he'll ask us something or make a comment that makes your heart break. I'm sorry about your DS - I don't know anything about his condition but it must be difficult for you as a family.

Thanks again - I really appreciate the advice and support.