Did reflux trauma damage sibling bond?

[belwiz]

Hello mamas, this is my first posting on mumsnet - i'll try not to ramble on. DS is mostly happy and well adjusted but is deeply jealous of little sis and at times aggressive - hitting, pushing, the odd back-kick when he thinks i won't notice.

He was 21mo when DD was born, exactly a year ago. Despite earnest intentions to do all the textbook stuff to help DS adjust to the baby, it didn't work out that way initially: DD had undiagnosed silent reflux, causing endless screaming, back-arching and stressful BF sessions (often standing up with the extractor fan on). I was heartbroken for DS, and could see he missed our one-on-one time together and was upset/confused by the frantic screaming, but I literally couldn't leave DD down for much of the first 3 months. She had to nap in the sling and she fed constantly and loudly. DH was back at work and my mum helped a bit but had just been diagnosed with brain clots so I didn't call on her as much as I wanted to.

The slightest noise or unexpected movement would set DD off and DS, doing that toddler thing of homing in on my weak spot, took great joy in screeching at the baby to make her leap out of her skin and yell. Natch I got quite tense at times and DS just acted up all the more.

Things settled eventually when DD's meds kicked in, and we got into a fairly good weekday routine of toddler groups, park trips, walks, lots of storytime with DS etc. In all other respects, apart from DD'S calls on my time/attention, DS has seemed happy.

One year on, however, DS has cranked up the antagonism with hitting (mostly in a territorial context when DD touches his cars) and pushing her over. He now verbalises his feelings, with "Don't want baby in this house" or "I push baby and make her cry". He shows little remorse on the naughty step and, despite positive reinforcement of good behavioiur etc, has shown little improvement.

What do you think, ladies? is this normal toddler jealousy or were the seeds of a more intense sibling conflict sown in the early months when DS got short-changed attention-wise after the arrival of DD? Am i expecting too much of him, given that he is not yet three? Just to complicate matters, I'm also worried that the general lack of empathy might be an early indication of aspergers, which my younger bro has.

I did ramble in the end, but hope nonetheless that you can give me a few more tactics to try beyond naughty step, as much attention as poss and praising good behaviour, as time has not really shown them to work in DS's case. Ta

Just to say I could write the beginning of your story now - DS1 was 22 months when DS2 arrived 4 months ago. Both have had reflux - this one not at all silently- and the screaming feeds are something to behold (for me and the neighbours..)

As I'm behind your in the development stages, I can't really give you any advice (although as a teacher, I would say this sounds fairly usual to me), but wanted you to know that you are not the only one, well done for getting to where you are today, you couldn't have done things any differently and I hope more helpful people will come along to help you soon.

Thanks Bethylou, my heart goes out to you. I promise it gets much, much easier to balance the immediate needs of refluxy baby with the broader needs of your toddler. In the early days I relied a fair bit on Cbeebies and nature walks when baba was sleeping in the sling. Best of luck x

Thanks. It's been a particularly bad day today as toddler is ill too! Wasn't intending to hijack your thread with my woes, but imagine we will be having similar thoughts in a year's time (especially as I'm convinced that we also have asperger's in my family (though undiagnosed) and see 'signs' of it in DS1 from time to time). I'm off to bed to try and recharge for tomorrow!

Ah Bethylou, you didn't hijack, it's good to hear from someone who knows so well my situation. I hope my doom and gloom post hasn't made you pessimistic about the next year, though. From what I can see, many toddlers get through the jealousy stage in a few months and, given that you're a teacher, you're prob more adept at keeping one step ahead of toddler antics, whereas sometimes I was just about getting through the day with my two.

What medication is your baby taking? We went through the usual gamut of gaviscon, ranitidine, losec and carobel. The pressure to give up BF was intense as the HV was very pro-carobel, which has to be either fed as a paste (not poss with my squirmy screamer) or mixed with a bottle. For us, the losec eventually worked and I wish we'd been given it straight off instead of having to go through all the less potent meds first.

And looking out for asperger's signs is a complicated business, isn't it? In one context, certain behaviour can seem like a very strong pointer towards asperger's and on another day it can just be chalked up to standard toddler foibles. I think we're way too early for anything like a diagnosis, but it's hard to switch off from possible signs.

Hope you get some sleep and your toddler gets better soon. Let me know how you get on, I'll look out for your posts x

oh golly this is me right now!! So no advice i'm afraid but have a 28mo ds & a 7 week old with reflux. i am so worried that i am losing my bond with my ds1 who now only wants daddy for everything as i am either feeding or holding ds2 - i am really struggling - so sorry to hijack but do you have any tips for just getting through the day??????

I'm not sure that I have any specific advice, but maybe some reassurance. DS had reflux (actually an undiagnosed allergy but similar symptoms) and screamed his way through the first six months of his life. DD still occasionally says "he just cried and sicked and cried and sicked" but says it almost wistfully as if it is a fond memory. It hasn't damaged their bond.
As for toddlers acting out with their baby siblings, I have many friends who have two year gaps and the older ones do this constantly. It is stressful, but normal and it will pass.

My only top tip is to have time when just you and he go on an outing - even if it to the shops (with a cake in a cafe). DD relished "girls' days out" at age 3. Now (aged 5) she doesn't want to go unless her brother is coming too!

Sorry, I had a couple of early nights last week and completely fell off this thread!

We've been through gaviscon, ranitidine, losec and now domperidone as well to try and empty the stomach before DS2 thinks about throwing it up! He's huge, so no real worry about being sick, but none of the meds do a great job for very long here.

Ranitidine worked well for DS1 with his silent reflux though, and carabel when he got to the point of refusing breastfeeds. However, he's still on ranitidine now and I can't get him off it (at 27months) as the reflux returns (he says, "Mummy I've got milk in my mouth" - an hour after he's had a yoghurt and not had any milk when he gets into bed).

Today we are having a good day regarding the reflux (2 good feeds out of 2) after 10 bad days - as far as I can tell nothing has caused this change - I'm eating the same and DS2 continues to be breastfed (as I've tried formula and he spits it out).

DS1 has now got into nightly 45 min coughing sessions (which saw us in the garden at 4am to try and stop him!) and DS2 has a temperature. I constantly feel like we're battling at the mo and hope that things will settle down with time.

With regards to the behaviours, I'm blindly assuming that what I see at the mo is just toddler behaviour and will continue to think this until such a time as I have the capacity to consider it more seriously! This isn't meant to sound blase, but he's doing well generally so I need to deal with our immediate issues at the mo.

Mini I would say be careful of feeding DS2 too frequently - I think with reflux there is a danger of misreading crying as hunger. I only ever needed to feed my two three hourly (if I made sure that they had a good feed each time by persevering through the feeds with the use of a dummy for calming when they were in pain in the middle) and I guess you shouldn't need to feed more than every couple of hours. From my reading, I understand that feeding will initially comfort a refluxy baby but then cause the symptoms that you are trying to stop. Will think and come back with more thoughts tomorrow.

Honestly, it sounds more like this latest hostility has been brought about by your youngest becoming more mobile and more of a threat to your DS's possessions. We went thru exactly this with our eldest 2 - 2 yr age gap, youngest with reflux having to be carried in a sling constntly. My eldest was resentful at first, then calmed down, only for it to flare back up when my DS became mobile and went after her toys.

What helped us was having 'special' toys that the baby wasn't allowed to touch. And lots and lots of praise when she did share nicely with the baby. It all got a lot better once DS was 18 months or so and able to be a proper playmate for DD.

I would also try not to react to what he says about the baby - he's pushing your buttons like he used to by screaming at his sister!

One last point, he's waaay too young to have empathy yet, my 5yo DD is just starting to develop this now I'd say.

I agree with MrsGravy, I have a 3 yr gap, both mine had reflux but ds2 was a lot worse. Carried him in a sling, he slept on me in the daytime to keep him relatively upright etc.

I have photos of ds1 playing with his toys on the sofa when ds2 became mobile as he knew he couldn't reach up there

I agree about the special toys bit, ds1 also liked playing upstairs as there was no way even when ds2 could pull himself up into a standing position that he could get up the stairs!

As I had 2 children I made it very clear that I had a knee each for them, and a hand each to hold. They are 4 and 7 now and they are the best of friends but about 10% of the time they fight but then make up and carry on.

Minimoo, sorry I didn't reply earlier - DH has been away so not much time for MN'ing. Trying to think of some tips for getting through the day with a refluxy baby and toddler.
A regret I have about the very early days is that I didn't get more regular uninterrupted time with DS. It's so hard to find a way of putting a refluxy baby down without their screaming, and I just felt like my day was reduced to keeping DD as calm as poss, but you really need to take the leap and hand DS2 over to DH or another willing helper for a while so you can spend time with DS1. Yes, he probably will cry more when he's away from you, and you'll worry he needs fed, but if you and DS1 can even get 30 mins at the swings together it'll do you both good. As regards calming DS2, eventually the following worked from time to time:

• Long walks off-road with baba in the sling. Initially this was the only uninterrupted time DS and I got together. It allowed DS to burn off excess energy before his nap and DD usually slept.
• DD napping in the car seat in the kitchen with the extractor fan on full power. Or sometimes the hairdryer if we were upstairs. Sounds crazy but it worked.
• A CD called little sleepyhead worked for a while. It plays recordings of household appliances which soothes the baby to sleep.
• My friend, whose baby had dreadful reflux too, used a rocker called a Robopax after seeing it used in the neonatal ward her DS was admitted to for a losec drip. It really worked for her, not really for my DD, but defo worth a try if you can get one secondhand.
• For nappy changing refluxy babies, the terry towelling bath support from Mothercare was invaluable. Kept DD's head raised and absorbed what milk did come up. Used this for ages.
• The inevitable wedge/tilted cot helped once DD was well enough to lie in cot.
• Eventually, our Maclaren buggy tilted bolt upright was sometimes comfortable enough for DD to sleep.
• For screaming during BFs, I found standing or walking often lulled DD into a more settled feeding mode (albeit v briefly!). This was also when DS went from watching no tv to a good couple of hours a day. It has to be done if you're in the house alone and are trying to feed a screamy baby.

And for making life easier domestically-

Online supermarket shopping, a cleaner 2 hours a week, if you can spare the cash. Never thought i'd do it, but it's v worthwhile.

Thanks for all the wise words about sibling jealousy/aggression - today DS was particularly combative and seemed physically unable to bear it (or hold back from hitting/pushing) when little sis headed for the wrong books, toys etc. I've taught him to distract her with another toy but often he just can't cope and lashes out. It's reassuring to know that things got better at 18mo, Mrs Gravy. Doing the lots of praise thing in the hope that the rare occasions of forebearance will be repeated! Thanks again

Have been through similar. Screaming won't have affected your DS. He is jealous, that's understandable.

Another strategy is to bang on about how much the baby likes/loves him, try to make baby laugh ..ooooh she thinks it's funny when you do x, do it again, aren't you clever!

It will get better but tis tough. Hang in there and don't worry they will be great friends soon.

Also - the run up to three is quite tricky in terms of behaviour. They get challenging as they feel more independent. If he starts at nursery when 3 you may find his behaviour settles down as his world expands beyond you DD and family (he will also be knackered)

THanks, smallorange. I guess my main worry has been not so much that DS will have been affected by the screaming per se, but that the huge and unavoidable shift in my attention from him to screamy DD in her early months has left him irreconcilably jealous. He's just so aggressive towards her. Ringing in my ears is my mum's wry remark that my eldest bro (40yrs) is still v chippy cos he never got over the birth of my older sis when he was 21 mo. Will just be patient and wait for it to pass.....

My DD3 had terrible reflux and screamed constantly - she is still clingy aged 1.

I think the arrival of a sibling changes them irrevocably - and there are downsides such a jealousy leading to bad behaviour.

But

You have given him the best present he will ever get and this will become apparent in a year or two when they are playing (and fighting!)

What I'm trying to say is that your relationship has changed forever, he is a different person as a result of his sister's arrival - but in time the positives will outweigh the negatives.

belwiz THANK YOU THANK YOU that has really helped. It's so brilliant getting some actual pratical advice. You're right even just that 1/2 hour/20 mins uninterrupted with ds1 will help, even just to make me feel as though he has had my undivided attention at one point in the day!

bethylou thanks, i think i will try taking him for a walk when possible instead of feeding, as you are right, he only ends up in pain from the feed.

Thanks everyone and belwiz i hope things improve for you soon.