DS really upset about prospect of baby...

[DomesticG0ddess]

Tonight we were reading Topsy and Tim's New Baby book and DS (3.5) got really upset about the baby crying and said he didn't want a baby or a brother. Until now (am 25 weeks), he has only been happy about it. I tried explaining that the baby would not cry all the time, and only when he wanted something because he could not speak, and that little brothers were only babies for a short time and then he would be loads of fun. But it didn't really help and I just had to change the subject with a different book, and he has gone to sleep.

I'm a bit worried that this is going to become a problem. He's a sensitive little soul, and rather thoughtful, and usually if he doesn't like something then that's it for a while! Has anyone had the same thing?

I think it's very positive that he's able to voice his concerns now and that you've got plenty of time to talk things through with him. There's probably lots of things involved eg him being usurped as the baby, being aware that your focus will change as well as the thought of a baby crying. My dd was younger but steadfastly refused to acknowledge the imminent appearance of another baby during my pregnancy and needed a lot of support when her brother was born.

I really must get on with some work now, but I just wanted to say that with my dd just letting her voice negative feelings about the baby helped their relationship no end, as well as being very matter of fact about it ie I didn't push the 'you can play together when he's bigger' line too much. The most useful tip I heard/read was in Penelope Leach's 'Baby and Child' where she says don't worry about getting the older child to like the baby, but focus on getting the older child to believe that the baby likes them, so lots of 'ohh, you're his favourite', 'he's smiling at you', 'he always stops crying when you pat him' etc worked really well with my dd.

13 months down the line and they're the best of friends. Good luck!

I would try to leave the subject of babies alone for a bit, how long has he known. You have possibly 15 more weeks which to a child is a long time.
Wait until the baby is here, answer questions as necessary, and try to put the baby upstairs out of the way to sleep so the focus is not all about the baby when it arrives.
my children have all reacted differently when a sibling arrived, but we try not to make too much fuss and too much baby talk can make them think about it too much.
You will have some problems, its normal, let them happen, deal with them and move on, it will be fine.

I wouldn't mention babies too much really just now - you are only 25 weeks. I've only discussed babies with DS since around I've been around 34 weeks on a regular basis, saying things like 'your little brother can't wait to meet you' 'you can help change his nappy' etc. I'm due on Sunday and have mentioned to DS1 (who is 3.2yo) that his baby brother has got him a lovely present and he will give it to him on return from the hospital. He has mixed feelings on the subject but on the whole fairly excited now as he realises something big is going to be happening very soon.

My DS can be 'determined' when he sets his mind on something - it's taken us 2 years to get him back to a hairdresser after the last trip - so we spoke to DS from when I was about 22 weeks as I felt he might need a long time to get ready to the idea and I found these books were great Waiting for Baby and My New Baby

There are no words, so you can just talk about what's happening in each picture, and my DS referred to the little boy by his name, so it became about him. My DS (who was just 3 when DD arrived) was particularly peeved about having a sister, but we talked about it and by the time DD came, I had read those two books almost every night for 3 months! They look at going to the doctors, to mummy having a rest while daddy cooks, grandparents coming when mummy goes to hospital and then move onto looking after the baby, and also show the mother breastfeeding the new baby which is really good if you're planning on it! We had lots of books around new babies but these were definitely the favourite.

Also fab - and funny - is this one about a little boy who is really not very happy about his new sister arriving and thinks being an astronaut is a better job than being a brother...but of course it turns out ok at the end! We didn't get this til after DD arrived, but it might put his mind at ease that it's ok not to be jumping for joy at the idea of a new sibling.

Penelope Leach is fab on the subject (likening it to your DH bringing home a mistress and saying 'Here's our new wife, she's going to live with us for ever and we will all love her very much'!!)

HTH - if it makes you feel any better DS adapted quite well when DD arrived and DS and DD adore each other now - chasing each other around the floor to squeals of delight!

Thanks, that is all really helpful advice. I guess I just worry a bit because he is sensitive, but I know that down the line he will make an excellent big brother!