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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Bitchy 10 year old girls

20 replies

ReneRusso · 06/07/2010 15:05

DD1 (10) is really struggling with her friendships and is being excluded from her usual group. I don't think I can expect the school to do anything. It's not bullying as such, but just ignoring, whispering, sniggering type of behaviour, by the girls that used to be her friends.

I have tried to encourage her to make friends with other girls but she seems to think this is impossible because everyone already has their groups. She is desperate to be one of the gang and I am just so upset that these poisonous little bitches are treating her like this. She is so miserable.

When I ask who I could fix up playdates with, she just names the horrible girls. She still wants to be friends with them.

Is there anything I can do to help?

OP posts:

Chil1234 · 06/07/2010 15:11

Actually, 'bullying' is any persistent behaviour that makes the other person feel upset. Whispering and sniggering about someone, calling names or excluding one person from the group etc., are forms of bullying - even though it's pretty common behaviour amongst girls that age. I think you're entitled to talk to the teacher about it and ask them to keep an eye on matters. They can engineer situations so that your daughter is not excluded, for example. And tell your daughter that if people are being unkind she should talk to the teacher and also you about what's going on.

vegasmum · 06/07/2010 19:26

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wideratthehips · 06/07/2010 19:38

i agree that this is bullying...could you speak to the headteacher and ask them to remind children in assembly to be kind to others and treat them they way they would want to be treated? (or that sort of thing?)or say that it has come to their attention that children at the school are being unkind to others? should put the frightners on them

is it a c of e school or equivalent....they could have a talk about kindness when they have their religious assembly?

Original poster

ReneRusso · 06/07/2010 21:51

Thanks for the replies. I have already talked to the class teacher who I am fairly sure has not kept an eye on it and has basically done nothing. So I like the idea of alerting the head and asking her to say something in assembly.
I also agree, I need to work on her confidence and self esteem - it has always been an issue - she is very bolshy at home, but quite timid with her peers.

OP posts:

pointissima · 07/07/2010 11:30

Your poor dd. I went through the same thing at that age and it went on until I went to a different senior school from the rest of them.

I agree that the assembly idea is a good one. One thing which helped me get through it was that I had a couple of friends from amongst the boys: they were both slight misfits too (one is now a monk, the other an investment banker- they both, unlike the girls, are still friends)but it meant that I always had company at school when the girls were doing the bitchy exclusion thing. Unfortunately they couldn't also come to girl guides, birthday parties etc.. Do you know any of the boys/their mothers well enough to try to arrange for one or two of them to be friendly to your dd? They may have to put up with a little teasing themselves; but I think they quite like feeling gallant.

Take comfort from the probability that the reason the others pick on your daughter si that she is brighter/prettier etc

Original poster

ReneRusso · 07/07/2010 18:11

Thanks for good ideas.

OP posts:

Earlybird · 07/07/2010 18:19

Is she a member of any clubs/groups outside school?

I've made a real point of having several different 'communities' where dd has friends - swim club, choir, brownies, drama club, church, etc. My aim is that she hasn't got 'all her eggs in one basket' so if school is dire, she can feel accepted elsewhere.

Maybe try that?

deaddei · 07/07/2010 18:23

Get her to have a look on the Childline website- lots of good info there.
NSPCC go into schools to do assemblies about bullying- often someone from outside has a greater influence!!!

Earlybird · 07/07/2010 18:26

Are you friendly with any of the parents of the former friends (who are now mean girls)? Maybe have a chat?

MaryBS · 07/07/2010 18:30

Wow, can't believe you've posted this - I've just emailed the head at our primary school re: a similar problem, only there is a ringleader who is a former friend, who is doing all that you've said, and also coming up and shouting in DDs face and is ordering the others not to be friends with DD.

Would your DD like a penpal? My DD is mature, kind and very sensitive (albeit a bit bossy at times)

Original poster

ReneRusso · 07/07/2010 18:40

She's in Brownies (just about to move on to Guides) but guess what, some of the "friends" are also at Brownies too. It would be nice to find something else. She occasionally plays with girls in the neighbourhood who are not at her school which I try to encourage.

I am good friends with the mothers, and have spoken to one of them who I think has now had a word with her DD. Haven't plucked up courage to speak to the others though. I don't want to make the situation worse so feel I need to tread a fine line. I feel that I can't force those girls to be friends with my DD, so I'm not sure quite what to say. Since it's now almost the holidays, should I let it blow over and see what happens next term?

DD was very brave and asked one of the girls why she is being mean, and the response from the girl was that she is "not doing anything". Because it is subtle, sneaky behaviour, they believe they aren't doing anything wrong. I think the mothers would tend to believe that they had done nothing wrong too.

As for Childline, I feel so stupid because I am a childline counsellor and feel I should be able to handle this better. I am quite comfortable dealing with kids who phone up with these kinds of problems, but it's so much harder with my own DD .

OP posts:

Original poster

ReneRusso · 07/07/2010 18:47

Thanks MaryBS! I will mention it to her.

OP posts:

LoveMyGirls · 07/07/2010 20:59

My DD1 has been through this too, would your dd also like to be pen or msn friends with my dd too?

Original poster

ReneRusso · 08/07/2010 10:17

I have spoken to the parents about it now, and they didn't seem to believe me, they don't believe their girls would do something like that. It's very frustrating.

OP posts:

vegasmum · 08/07/2010 10:41

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Message withdrawn

Miggsie · 08/07/2010 11:24

The book "queen bees and wannabes" is very good for this kind of thing.
It may help your DD through this.

I would also take it up with the head teacher.

Lancelottie · 08/07/2010 11:48

Somewhere in the year (or the year above/below, assuming she's year 5?) there must be a[nother] pleasant, maybe rather shy child who really isn't one of the in-crowd and is bemused by all the bossy goings on. It's just harder to spot them than the Queen Bees.

Do you get any opportunity to see the troublemakers in action, btw, or is it all sneaky, behind the scenes stuff?

Children who have just moved into the area can be a good bet -- no settled friedship group yet, and benefits on both sides if your child can help out while they settle in.

Friends at other schools are a great boon, as they tend to be immune to day-to-day pettiness (and if they then move up to secondary with your daughter, it's a real boost). You might find some of these through Brownies or Guides -- maybe have a quiet word with the leader in case they can suggest some good names, and arrange a meetup in the holidays?

Oh, and don't write off the evildoers just yet. They're very young, and although it's a nasty sort of power game, some of them will grow out of it. Even the nicest child has moments of utter bitchiness. And even if they said they weren't doing anything wrong (after all, they aren't going to stand there saying, 'You know, you're right, I'm a little cow!) they might get the message in the end.

robin22 · 11/01/2013 10:59

We have two boys aged nearly 12 and 14 and have old friends our sort of age who have two girls aged 10 and 13 who our boys get on well with and who are lovely AND a 5 year old boy who is allowed to dominate every aspect of every social situation and is a nightmare to be around. They came to stay at new year and within five minutes of entering our house he was expecting the whole table of adults and children to listen endlessly to his 'jokes', something his parents and siblings completely indulge. His older sisters are expected to put up with his game ruining, violent tantrumy behaviour. He is never put to bed at a time concomitant with his age because they don't want him to feel left out. This has been an issue the last few times we have seen these friends and up til this new year we hadn't seen them for 18 months. My friend and her husband are completely blind to their spoiling of this child, there are obviously guilt issues going on because they both work full time and he has been in full time nursery since he was tiny and perhaps they don't feel they are entitled to discipline him. My friend is putting pressure on me to commit to meeting up again soon and going on holiday with them. My children really like the girls but are so appalled by the behaviour of this boy and his impact on them that there is no way we could go away with them and frankly my children have put an embargo on seeing them again at all. My dilemma is whether I just avoid the issue or raise it and send her a book by e.g. Penelope Leech. Difficult because I don't want to lose their friendship either.

CARE40 · 06/12/2018 12:22

Hi there,

I was interested to read your post as I thought the nasty behavior I was seeing among a group of ten year old girls was in my mind.
I had a similiar experience with one girls in particular being bitchy to my daughter and when my daughter would tell her what she was doing wasnt nice the girl would constantly pester her that she did nothing wrong. I spoke to the class teacher who said she could see there was an issue but all the same did not seem to do anything about it. As my own daughter became more and more upset by the behaviour I contacted the school bullying teacher who spoke to both girls on the importance of being nice to each. This so far has been enough for the nasty girl to leave my daughter alone but I have heard she has now started on another child (excluding her, talking about her to her others, whispering about her, not letting her join in games etc.)
I just do not understand why the school does not try to stop this behavior head on? They told me that my daughter would have to report each incident to the bullying teacher and that the bullying teacher would then investigate - which seems reasonable but my daughter is anxious about telling on this girl. What makes matters worse to me the nasty girls mother thinks she is a victim in every situation and can never seem to see that her daughter isnt always very nice.

JiltedJohnsJulie · 08/12/2018 15:41

@CARE40 this is a really old thread, the OP’s DD will be in Year 11 now, revising for her GCSEs and both will probably have long forgotten these girls.

You’re probably better starting your own thread. Come and join the MNers of Preteens in this section

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