What to do about 3 year old's naughty friend

[AndiMac]

My 3 year old daughter currently has a best friend at preschool. The friend has been good for her in helping her really raise her confidence at school because she knows she can go to her and have someone to do something with. However, this friend is a bit of a bad influence. Well, I say a bit, you be the judge.

We had the friend and her mum over for a playdate after school one day. The friend first peed in the potty in my daughter's room that is used for night time. Fine, that's okay. I emptied the potty and didn't take it back upstairs. After that, she took a pee on the floor of my daughter's room. Then, about an hour after that, when they were outside playing, she took a POO on the toddler slide! We aren't talking about an accident here, we are talking about deliberately removing her pants and trousers and leaving a log. Her mum was terribly embarrassed and apologised and cleaned that one up.
If that was it, I would just shrug it off. However, the friend also bit my daughter at school about 3 weeks ago. Hard enough to draw blood. My daughter didn't seem too bothered about it later, they still were (are) good friends, but you can still see faint marks from it.

But the latest thing that has happened is that both of them purposefully took a pee in the sandpit at school on Monday. Now all the sand has to be removed and replaced in the sandpit before anyone can play in it again. (And there were strong hints to my husband who did the drop-off today that we should pay for it).

I'm not saying my daughter is innocent, as she did it too. However I know she is much more of a follower than a leader and would never have thought to do that sort of thing on her own.

We've had a stern talk about just because someone else is doing something naughty doesn't mean you should do it too, especially when you know it's wrong. But I really would like to know what to do for the future. Summer break is coming up, but they will be together for another year at nursery and I don't want my daughter to be part of this Terrible Twosome.

What should I do?

Oh, and what should I say to the friend's mum when I next see her? After the biting incident, I told her not to worry about it, these things happen. Now I don't know what to say.

Tbh i wouldnt worry about it, we only have a week till term ends, then just dont arrange any playdates in the summer. By sept the other girl will prob have grown out the wee/poo stage

Do you think? I'm not convinced.

And I just got home from preschool and both of them tried to do it again today - in the climbing frame inside no less! I'm at my wit's end.

What have the school said to you?

I would be mortified and would feel the same as you btw

We (daughter and I) had to stay after school today and two of the teachers sat down with us and they talked about how she's a big girl and very smart yadda yadda and that doing that isn't very good and isn't safe and that her behaviour needs to be good so she can continue to have fun and play because normally she's a good girl. The sort of thing you would tell a 3 year old, minus the emotion and yelling that I would have given her if I had caught her at it!

Her and the other girl are supposed to go and help take out the sand and replace it with the parents at some arranged time yet to be set.

Well if it still ongoing then you prob cant ignore it.

Yes, I know I can't ignore it. What I'm hoping for is ideas of what to do about it.

I think its very sad that a little girl of 3 is already being labelled as naughty

That doesn't really help the OP though does it?

It's tricky, but I would agree on no time together over the summer, and you never know, her friends' behaviour may have completely changed over that time. ie. don't worry TOO much about it now if it might resolve itself. In the meantime, the only thing you can do is focus on your DD's behaviour, which obviously you are trying to do. At the end of the day you can't parent the other child so can only focus on yours. Can you encourage friendships with other kids over the summer? Regardless of the wees and poos (which as the pp says, surely she will grow out of), the biting would be enough for me! I feel for you!

As DomesticG0ddess says, that doesn't really help me much. And what adjective would you think appropriate? "Good"?

Yeah, I'm guessing the friend's mum is thinking more or less the same thing about letting things lag over summer, as she mentioned something about them egging each other on, which is very possible. I just hope I can let things fade and not have to actually broach the subject.

Sorry i didnt mean to upset you, my initial opinion was that it would be better to ignore it and hope some time apart over the summer would help, but in this case obv not! so i was just agreeing with you that something needed to be done, but tbh im not sure what.

If they are being troublemakers together then perhaps preschool could seperate them into different activities for a couple of sessions?

I don't think it was your comment littleducks - was the one about being labelled as naughty I was referring to anyway. Yes, getting the preschool on to it is a good idea.

I think it is up to the staff to monitor behaviour there and keep a very close eye on them. Perhaps even stop them from playing in certain areas e.g. the sand, until they can show that they are behaving.

At home, I would follow them around whilst they play so you can nip in the bud any of this sort of behaviour.

I would also lay ground rules at the start of any playdate and say that dd's friend will go home if either of them do anything they should not do.

Definitely invite some other children over to play during the holidays.

Littleducks, it wasn't your comment I was referring to either in the last post. I appreciate you bumping the topic up with your posts!

DaftApeth, no one is allowed in the sand until it has been replaced. If, in the unlikely event, there is a playdate between the two this summer, you can believe that I'll be watching them like a hawk.

Tuesday evening she was banned from any TV and from also seeing our neighbour who is her best friend outside of school with the reason that she had been naughty with her friends and so had to think about how to be good when playing with her friends before seeing them again. A visit with them if she was good was promised for Thursday (today).

So Wednesday they were better, but the head teacher said there were still some issues although she didn't elaborate. I wheedled out of my daughter that they pushed another boy over at some point. It of course had to be the nicest boy in the class, the only boy my daughter claims is her friend at school. So praise for no wild-wee attempts but more strict talking about the pushing and she was told that if he was there Thursday, she was to spend some time playing with him so that he knew they were still friends.

She claimed she wasn't going to play on Thursday with the other girl, but I knew that was unlikely and hadn't suggested it. I said to her she could play with who she wanted, she just had to be good and listen to the teachers. I also happened to give her a pair of new (to her) fancy pink shoes with embroidered flowers on them. She was immediately in love with these shoes (my daughter is 3 going on Carrie Bradshaw 33) and said she would be very good wearing these new shoes.

In fact, when I took her to school today, the first thing she said to the friend was, "I can't be naughty today because I'm wearing my new good shoes". And according to the teachers, she was good today, so I'm mighty pleased about that. Also today, after playing with the neighbour and having tea there, the neighbour took a wee outside in the garden (like I needed more friends doing this!). But my daughter just stood to the side looking a little unsure of what to do, but certainly not whipping down her knickers to join in, when she had been joining in with her friend for everything else. I praised her for not going wee and asked her if she wanted to go upstairs and go, which she did.

So, a bit of stern talk, some privileges removed and a pair of new shoes seem to have things under control right now. Tomorrow she has off from school, so we will see how next week goes!

Hurray for ''new good shoes''

I have just told my dd that I would take away her new shoes if she didn't do as she was told. Great minds...