Is it normal for a nearly 5-year old to use a lot of put downs?

[MerryMarigold]

I know kids say a lot of 'I'm older than you - nah nah nah', 'I'm getting a present and you're not', 'I won and you're rubbish', 'What you did was boring/ rubbish'...

Little boy we walk to school and back with says a lot of these things to my ds1, in fact at least 2 every day. Tbh, I have ignored it for ages, but my Mum brought it up with me (she walks with them every other week) and now I am feeling a bit sensitive about it. He does it much more than Ds1 or any of Ds1's other friends. Ds1 is pretty good and not retaliated much, but I feel a bit sad that his 'best friend' puts him down so much - and I don't want it to make ds1 insecure!

This little boy is very sensitive and intelligent, and insecure. I assume the little boy is doing this because it makes him feel somehow 'bigger and better'. But I wonder why he is so insecure. His Mum is one of the loveliest people I know. I'm not sure of his Dad - I think he does 'push' him a lot, which may be causing some of it. I really like the family, and we enjoy their company and agree with most of their principles in bringing up their kids etc.

Anyway, I'm not sure know how to deal with it. Just thought I'd start with asking if you lot think it is normal, as I only have the experience of my own nursery age 2child, and his friends...

sorry meant nursery age child. My ds1 is 4.5 and will go into reception in Sept. They are in school nursery together and we live in the same street.

That is the way some children communicate and I think you're right - it's a type of one-upmanship to make themselves feel better. One of my son's friends (they're 10)is a terrible boaster. Whatever you've got he's got more of them and they're far better etc. He's actually a nice kid otherwise but my son has gone off him recently because of it.

I'd pick the 5 year-old up on what he says, to be honest. It's not acceptable to go around putting people down - and especially not when it's your child. So defend him. "If you think DS1 is so 'rubbish' or 'boring' then he won't be walking to school with you any more."

Thanks. I do pick him up on it sometimes (eg. today when he was boasting about being older - by 2 months - than ds1, I pointed out that another of their mutual friends is older than him). But I feel bad picking him up on it, cos I feel like it may upset his mum - we all walk together. I'm also worried about why he's like this, because I genuinely care about him - but if you think it's just how some kids communicate then I guess I should not be worried.

It is a lack of social maturity. One of ds's friends was like this, and there was certainly nothing wrong with the boy's family or anything. By 6 he had grown into a lovely caring little boy. It took them some time to gently train him away from it, but got there in the end.

Merry, I sympathise. What a conundrum.

I think that even if, as others suggest, it's 'normal', it doesn't mean that it's good for your son.

He will need strategies to deal with it effectively, otherwise, at his age, he may end up believing the put-downs.

I noticed with my own DS that a lot of friendships at this age aren't at all balanced in power terms. What one child likes may well be that the other is in some way malleable or passive. It's a fantasy that friendships are wholesome and equal, even if our DC think they are.

I would be inclined to tackle it with the child, so each time he says something like this make a response, like 'that is an unkind thing to say, you might hurt xx's feeling'. Or 'oh well, not everyone is able to have xxx but I'm sure they have other great toys instead'

If you are walking with the mother and you hear him say something but she doesn't respond, you could pretend you didn't quite hear and ask him to repeat what he said - that might draw attention to it so his mum can tackle the issue.

My DS2 said in a very loud voice, to a friend, in a nah-nah-ne-nah way

"well, I've got a mummy...."

I was mortified he was showing off about that as I suddenley had this fear that one of the kids at pre-school didn't have a mummy. It was a very small pre-school and I knew them all so don't think this was the case - but he got a bit of a talking too about that on the way home!

LOL at the mummy thing loves2walk! Nice to know he's soooo proud of you...

I think what I'm going to do is sit them both down (both kids) and have a good talk about saying hurtful things and how it makes the other person feel. Then 'practise' saying nice things to each other, and how much nicer that makes them feel. That's the best I can do, and will hopefully also alert the other Mum to the issue...

...he's really a sweet boy and I do like him a lot. Just so competitive and insecure.

thanks, yes, sooo proud of his mummy - thats a great spin to put on that scenario!

That is a really good idea Merry - to discuss it with them. At 4/5 they are old enough to take that on board and practice should really help.

I'm sure that sort of support from adults around him will help this behaviour iron itself out