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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

DD(4) really unsettled and unhappy at the moment. :(

21 replies

LilRedWG · 05/07/2010 12:33

My wonderful, lovely, happy, sensitive little girl seems to be going through a really tough patch at the moment and it's breaking my heart.

She hates change and there is so much in her life at the moment:

about to finish pre-school music group which she has gone to for years,
leaving nursery soon
starting school in September

How can I help reassure her that everything will be okay?

She had a one and a half hour session at her new school last week and got very very upset and in the end I had to just leave her - the other children just kissed their parents and ran in. the next day at nursery (which she loves) she broke down again and I had to leave her in tears again.

I took her to nursery this morning and the same thing happened.

Other than the above changes she is just getting over tonsillitis/burst ear drum and I am seven weeks pregnant and feeling really cruddy/exhausted. She does pick up on my health far too quickly and worries about it (my parents died last year and I think she worries that she'll lose me). We've reassured her as much as we can that I am okay but no amount of tlc seems to help at the moment.

Any and all advice will be very gratefully received.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Original poster

LilRedWG · 05/07/2010 12:34

Oh - she's due for another session at school tomorrow.

OP posts:

TheLadyOfTheGreenKirtle · 05/07/2010 12:57

oh red, shes had a traumatic year and now has the upheaval of a new baby to look too. if its any consollation ds spent a few weeks crying his heart out every time i left him at school. he just missed me. what has the nursery said?

Original poster

LilRedWG · 05/07/2010 12:58

That they'll help get her back into a routine, but tbh I think it's going to take more than that. I think I'm being over hormonal too.

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Sithmummy · 05/07/2010 12:59

Are any of her nursery friends going to be in the same class next year? The holidays will give you a chance to re-inforce those friendships with friends round to play/trips to the park.

What about role-play? She could be the teacher and you her new pupil? Perhaps any specific anxieties could be dealt with as they come up.

All the children are tired now. It's been a long term and so much goes on at this time of year. If your little one has been poorly too, that is probably adding to it, as well as this draining weather. Lots of reassurance and cuddles and quiet time with you looking at books or watching a favourite film will help I hope.

Good luck

Original poster

LilRedWG · 05/07/2010 12:59

DS is okay now isn't he?

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massivebigMissCathCartface · 05/07/2010 12:59

Congratulations on the pregnancy lilRed!

I think that they are always so much more sensitive when they are poorly and run down, in addition to all the changes.
My dd has been going through something similar recently, with lots of changes at home and as she is 3 and a half now she is very tuned in to everything.
All I have been able to do reall is try and keep as much as possible in her life very secure, routine led and stable. I've spent a bit more qualitly time with her too, and this has helped in that I've been able to pick up on things that demonstrate she's being affected by things, and given me the chance to approach them or deal with them at appropriate times, rather than making an even bigger issue out of them.

Does your dd voice her concerns to you?
Are there other children from her nursery that are also starting this school?
Does she know you are expecting?

I know it's really heartbreaking to see them upset but the main thing is that she knows that you are her rock and that won't change. Lots of cuddles and quality time x

TheLadyOfTheGreenKirtle · 05/07/2010 13:00

he is absolutely fine. doesnt even kiss me goodbye anymore

Original poster

LilRedWG · 05/07/2010 13:02

Thaks sith. We do play school quite a lot and DD is the one to instigate it usually. She loves it. She has two children going to school with her from nursery and I will definitely invite them over during the summer.

She is just so desperately sad atm whenever I leave her. The thing is I hate change with a passion too and can entirely see how she's feeling and I do worry that I am unconciously projecting it onto her. Plus, I've been feeling so crappy she's not had 100% from me so is oprobably feeling rejected. God, I'm crap.

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Original poster

LilRedWG · 05/07/2010 13:05

Cathcart my lovely - long time no see. Three and a half!

Yes DD does know I am expecting. We told her because she was getting so worried about me being poorly.

She does tend to bottle stuff up and when we ask her what is wrong she says that she just wants me.

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waitingforbedtime · 05/07/2010 13:06

Ds is 3y6m but I am 7 months pregnant and he is soooooooooo clingy, I cant even go to the loo or to get a drink - he's never really been like that before - it breaks my heart but I dont think there is much we can do in this situation other than the normal reassurance and try and be upbeat and happy about things theyre worried about if that makes sense?

Also, if ds has been ill it really affects him for ages - it could just be that so ride it out and see what happens.

Congrats

Original poster

LilRedWG · 05/07/2010 13:08

Thank you.

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waitingforbedtime · 05/07/2010 13:12

This might sound weird but it works with my ds - rather than trying to get her to talk about her worries have you tried if she says anything negative about nursery /school / wanting you being really positive like if she said

'I dont want to go to school'
rather than saying 'oh dear, why not?' etc
try saying 'but it will be so much fun, there'll be X+Y there and mummy will colllect you at hometime and we'll have so much to talk about...'

sometimes i think ds worries about something and will sometimes voice his concerns almost to test out whether he should be worried about them? If I go down the route of trying to find out more he often panics more and closes up but if I just try and, not ignore, but put a positive spin on it he seems to think 'oh mummys notn worried it must be ok'

If she says she wnats you say something like 'yes and mummy wants to be with you too and its lovely being with the people we love best, especially when one has been off doing something exciting like going to school and then we'll have so much new to talk about'

Am probably stating the bloody obvious but thought Id mention it. Apologies for typos!

massivebigMissCathCartface · 05/07/2010 13:17

you are not crap!
I think that she can't really name the emotions that she's feeling but she certainly knows what makes her feel better - and that is you! Not crap see? Cuddletime.

You have to remember that you can't really stop any of the changes that are occurring and they are actually all positive changes too. Scary though it is.

All you can do is be there for her, her place of safety.

These are the little lessons of the world that will help prepare her for dealing with life and becoming more resilient, just hold her hand through it all, which I'm certain you are already doing.

Yes, it has been a while
I've dipped in now and again but the time just has flown. DD was 6 weeks old when I drank a mn cuppa for the first time.

Sithmummy · 05/07/2010 13:18

I doubt very much that she is feeling rejected. You sound extremely caring. It seems to me that it's quite the opposite.

Your dd was ill and presumably was kept at home with you tending to her every need. Now she's back at nursery and is one of x number of children. While that is fun (and I'm sure the staff would have told you if she weren't happy after you'd gone), it can't really compare to having her lovely mummy all to herself, can it?

Add the uncertainty of change and the end-of-term tiredness, plus your pregnancy. Sounds like a lot for a little mind to cope with, doesn't it?

Try to focus more on the now, rather than what will happen in September/when the new baby comes. You may be projecting your own uncertainty a bit, but confidence can be faked. IME children have a great knack for living in the moment so try to follow her lead in this.

TheLadyOfTheGreenKirtle · 05/07/2010 13:24

you are doing fantastically well my lovely. ds's breakdown came after half term, so he'd had everyday at home with me, doing lovely things when he wanted to do them.

is there anything i can do to help?

notnowbernard · 05/07/2010 13:34

Congratulations on the pregnancy

I know a few DC who are having 'wobbly' patches atm due to leaving pre-school and starting school. I think it's quite common

DD2 is starting in Sept and will have a new sibling by then also, poor love

She's not being over-sensitive but her behaviour has deteriorated lately

My friend's DD is the same. Another's is overly clingy and emotional about everything, refused to do the settle-in session at school

They do adjust, I think we have to try and force the chipper attitude a bit (hard I know)

So sorry to hear of your losses last year

Original poster

LilRedWG · 05/07/2010 15:31

Ah guys, thank you all so much. I'm off to collect DD from nursery shortly and will be giving her extra big cuddles. Thank you again.

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mrsruffallo · 05/07/2010 15:34

Can you stay with her for the school session?
There is no need to leave her alone there now is there- you can deal with that in settling in week in September, when you are feeling a bit stronger and she has had more time to come round to the idea.
Just tell her you are there to cling to until she feels better

Original poster

LilRedWG · 05/07/2010 19:22

The school have requested that I leave her as when I'd gone she was better. The same happens at nursery - within five minutes of me going she is fine.

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Original poster

LilRedWG · 06/07/2010 13:49

Yippee! She went to school fine. We had tears before we went out, but once I told her all the lovely reassuring stuff and then was matter of fact and said that I would have to leave her even if she was crying, so it wasn't worth upsetting herself, she suddenly said, "Let's go!".

There was a near wobble when she came to go in but I just told her to hold her friend's hand and off they trotted.

Thank you all - a mixture of me hiding my emotions, bigging it up massively and logic, ie, telling her that crying never works with Mummy and why would it work now - worked!

I don't feel quite as crap a mother now.

OP posts:

TheLadyOfTheGreenKirtle · 06/07/2010 17:56

woo hoo! thats fab.

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