Just turned 3 - terrified of other toddlers. Pre-school soon. Panic!

[minigoof]

Hi,
My son panics in the presence of all other toddlers, at the park for example will not go near anything others are on, if he is playing on something & another climbs on, he will have a panic like reaction starts freaking out, often says 'he's gonna get me' or 'I'm a bit worried about that girl' & wants to go home.
Didn't walk until 27 months, no physical probs, just lack of confidence. Often finds things overwhelming, noise, dirt, busy places, anything really - just a very sensitive kid!
Lovely at home in comfort zone, happy to talk to most adults.
Starts pre-school in Sept, afraid will not settle & may be more harm than good?! Anyone had similar issues...help!

I could have written this post about DD age 2.6. Hope some experts come along soon. HV's advice to me was to ignore her when she behaves like this, but she gets genuinely distressed and I just can't. It's a very real issue for her. It's even worse if toddlers come to our house. It's stressful, isn't it? I can't look forward to meet ups and toddler groups cos I know I'll have to deal with it. I still take her to them though.

Thanks.
Exactly. Cannot be ignored as it's their nature, surely? I still take him to groups & meet ups, as you say just got to deal with it, but yes it is stressful & not much fun for either of us. I guess there is really no expert answer 'he'll grow out of it' is beginning to cheese me off!

no experts about then? ... maybe cos there is no answer to our troubles!

Treating irrational fears is traditionally through 'exposure'... so the person scared of spiders starts by talking about spiders and learning to feel calm, then progresses to pictures of spiders until they can do that and feel calm... and so on.

A friend of mine who is not an animal lover unwittingly passed this dislike on to her little girl who ended up being very frightened of anything from hamsters upwards. I have a cat and when they came to the house my friend would ask me to remove the cat. At first I did but one day the cat escaped (like cats do) so the child brought the house down screaming & my friend was flapping about and making the whole thing worse. The 'cure', odddly enough, was to remove Mummy from the picture... the child went on to feed the cat, pat the cat, laugh at the cat washing its ears.

I'm not suggesting that you are the cause of the problem However, a toddler is going to take a lot of cues from you. So you must try extremely hard to stay completely serene, cheery and blase about new people coming to the house or the visit to the toddler group - yes, ignoring the crying. If the toddler senses any anxiety on your part they are going to think 'I'm right... this is a bad situation because mummy's looking nervous'. And if you leap to comfort them too readily this also confirms their opinion that the situation is a bad one.

With the playground situation I would step in and start talking to the other children there. Introduce your child to them and ask their name. Suggest a game they could play. If everyone's on first name terms and if your child sees that Mummy thinks the children are nice then they are no longer 'the unknown'...

I would then suggest that you take your toddlers to a playdate at someone else's house and leave them to it without you. You smile and say 'have a lovely time', go away for fifteen minutes and see how they get on.

Good luck

My DS was the same. He could not bear to be around other toddlers and would go absolutely rigid with panic if one came up to him. I found it so difficult. Play groups were just a nightmare, although I tried to persist taking him regularly to things.

Part of the problem with him was that he was a very good talker from an early age, and very self-controlled in his own behaviour. He just didn't understand why other kids would come up to him, grunt and babble and grab his toys or push him! He didn't want to do that to anyone else, so would prefer to sit and listen to the mummies chatting and 'join in'.

And of course he was (and remains) an extremely sensitive little boy, hated noise, animals, dark and now he's older he can express all kinds of crazy phobias.

So a year ago I was in exactly the same dilema as you. He'd just turned three and was about to start pre-school. He'd relaxed a bit but I was terrified as to how it would go. HOWEVER, apart from a very few tears at first, he took it in his stride. He was quiet in class for the first term but to see him now, a year later, you would not believe it. In the last few months he's actively wanted to spend more time with his little friends, is so much more confident and even with my friends' younger ones, he joins in. To see him interacting like this means so much to me. He's starting big school in September and I'm not too worried at all.

I really, really hope that things go well for you too. They're all different. But for us it did seem to be a question of age. Like I said, he's certainly not cured of his sensitivities - he's driving me nuts this week and I logged on today because I wanted advice on this! But the kid-phobia has definitely improved and my life has improved because of this. I've found that people don't quite get how difficult it is when your child is like this - it's NOT the same as being a bit shy or a bit clingy. So I have my fingers crossed for you xx

I knew there would be some great advice out there. Am not the OP, but thanks everyone. Nice to know we are not alone.

Sounds just like my ds too. He is now 4 but from about age 2 til 3 he was terrified of other kids - but relly conident around adults. Play groups were hell though I kept going as I needed to get out. He is so much better now - still does not like big groups of kids but with one other child he is fine and actually wants to play with them (is better with girls as I think some boys can be too rowdy for him still).

The only suggestion I would make is maybe arrange for him to play with just 1 other (quiet) child to get him more used to other kids. Although I do think its a stage that they will move on from in time no matter what you do. But I really sympathize, I remember wondering if he had Aspergers and wondering if I had been an over-protective mother as felt it must be due to what I was or wasnt doing right.

DS didnt go to pre-school as I didnt think he could have coped at the time (he is very young for the school year too), although within a couple months of us turning down the place he was so much better I think he woul d have managed fine and was kicking myselof for not giving it a go!

Sorry, bit of a ramble but really know what you are going through. Just hang in there and he will get through it!

I agree with redinthehead - if you can manage to befriend someone with a quiet, calm child that could be helpful. Even when my son was at his worst, we found two boys he seemed to tolerate being around. So going to play with one at a time was manageable. Good for both of us.

When it comes to pre-school it's a more structured environment, the teachers can manage situations, mummy isn't there to run to, and if your kid is young in year (mine is end of August) the others being older should mean they are more mature in their behaviour towards your son, and less scary.

Funnily enough, mine also now really enjoys company of girls (he really wants a sister), but at that stage he was terrified of them. They always seemed to want to hold hands or give him hugs. I blame Upsy Daisy. DS was NOT going to be anyone's Igglepiggle!!

Now, has anyone got any suggestions how to stop DS following me round the house all summer holiday because he is scared to be on his own in a room? Or am I just going to have to sit this one out for a few more years?!

Thank you all for encouraging advice/experiences, esp NKinDXB - sounds spookily similar to what we are going through now. Feeling chirpier. Thanks!