Please help, at wits end with ds (3.1)....

[MadameStretchmarks]

Have a ds 3.1 and dd 10 months. Ds has always been a bit of a handful but recently he has become much, much worse. He went a bit off the rails when dd was born (understandable I know) and we made some allowances for his behaviour whilst still being consistent with setting boundaries. Although he was pretty hard work (tantrums, biting, hitting) his behaviour was only directed at dh and me, so we got on with it. However, in the last few weeks he has started hitting/pushing/kicking and throwing things at dd. Often he'll say it was an 'accident' even when it's clear he knows he's done something wrong. We have explained until we're blue in the face why the behaviour is wrong, send him to his room for timeout, shout at him (although try not to) but nothing seems to work. Has got to the stage where I spend all my time trying to keep him away from her as I'm scared she'll get hurt. Please can anyone advise...in tears tonight as I just don't know what to do. Thanks.

maybe he is doing it to get your attention? do you spend much time doing stuff just with him? if not then maybe try and spend at least 10-15 minutes a day playing with him, perhaps while dd has her nap or something?

in the meantime I would say just keep them apart as much as possible, unless you are there to supervise. make a big deal about how gentle we must be with babies, and get him to help you look after her a bit

Huge sympathies. My DS was a nightmare with DD for the first year or so of her life, and he was older than your DS when she was born (almost 4). I couldn't turn my back for a second (literally). He has gotten a lot better with her recently, and I am sure the same will happen for you. It is tough, tough, tough at this stage. Sounds like you are doing everything right, though. Take some deep breaths, have a glass of wine and repeat the mantra 'this too shall pass', because it almost certainly will.

I have a DS of the same age and am also finding this stage the hardest yet. He absolutely doesn't care, no sanction bothers him, no threat sinks in. I'm due DC2 in September and I dread to think what lies ahead. Sending you lots of sympathy and patience.

I went through it too. In the end I got a friend who's a childminder to mind the baby (was about 8-9 months) for a few hours a week, and made sure I did something nice with dd in that time. it did make a difference.

'no sanction bothers him' ....Oh God, that is exactly how DS was! He got really bad when I was pregnant with DD and then it all escalated after she was born for a loooong old time. It was hard going.

I second getting any help you can (childminder, nanny etc or just a willing relative/friend) to take the pressure off for as many hours as you can pull in.

Hi again, thanks so much for all the replies, helps to know I'm not alone! I work part time and ds goes to playgroup a couple of times a week, so I do get a break- just doesn't seem long enough sometimes! He gets a fair bit of time with me by himself, we make the effort to do things with them separately but it just doesn't seem to have much effect at the moment...if anything, I feel he gets TOO much attention at the moment because of his behaviour. I also think it doesn't help that dd is a really smily, good natured sociable baby- family have been known to make unfair comparisons between them within ds' earshot, although have asked them not to.

I went on a parenting course that finished a few weeks ago (just 2 hours a week for 5 weeks) and one thing that i then tried that seems to work is to praise praise and then praise again any good or even acceptable behaviour.

It was hard at first because things that you expect your DCs to do you still need to praise.
An example. In the morning I ask the DCs to get their school shoes ready at the front door. If a few minutes later they were there, I would just walk past. If they were not there, I would comment that I had asked for them to be there and where were they??

Instead I had to ensure that when i asked for them to be at the front door and I then saw that they were at the front door, I had to comment. Not OTT but just a "well done guys, shoes all at the front door ready like I asked. thank you".

It has really worked. Granted my children are older than yours (9 and 5) but it might work for your DS. It makes me feel better about myself too as there are more positive things coming out of my mouth now instead of all negative ones.

Most of us know that we need to praise good behaviour and ignore (where possible) the bad but it's very difficult to put into practice, especially when you have a very young one to content with too. This technique might help as it got me concentrating on the good (we had homework one week where we had to spend a whole day just praising our children for as many things as we could find to praise them for (brushing teeth when asked instead of 5 mins later, saying please, holding the car door open, putting rubbish in the bin etc).

I hope this hasn't been too much of a lecture or come across as 'Mckenzie's guide to parenting" - just trying to share what i found useful. Good luck and remember, this too shall pass .

Thanks McKenzie for your great advice, I will definitely try harder to praise him for good or normal behaviour, sometimes I do feel that all I do is draw his attention to the stuff he has done wrong!