19mo argues back...

[RachaelandAgatha]

Defiance is driving me mad, have just scanned through the discussion of the day all about defiant kids but they are a bit older than mine. DD is 19 mo and argues back or makes demands. Then goes to the opposite extreme and velcros herself to me at the most trivial things (an aeroplane passing overhead) saying "cuddle, CUDDLE!" all tear stained and desperate.

Typical conversation..

Me - Are you finished with dinner?

me - We don't throw food, dinner stays in the bowl
DD- throw dinner, dinner on floor. NO NO! more dinner on floor, NO NO!
Me - Pick it up please, in the bin
DD - NO! No bin, no NO!

DD - No, mama pick up dinner.
etc etc ad nauseam ad infinitum...

Now I will persist calmly with the instruction, gently point out the pieces of splodged food she has flung about and she will pick them up eventually. But then we have the same palaver over nappy changes, going in the buggy, holding my hand near a road, getting PJs on, settling at night and so on and on. I very nearly slapped her hand yesterday as she lobbed another handful of mash on the floor. She actually looks at me as if to say "what are you going to do about it? Go on I dare you", she knows she is being naughty. I realise the "no"s are all about finding her independence etc and quite normal but the answering back! Aargh! Its as if her defiance gets worse with every new word she learns, each new verb brings something else she can refuse to do.

I really feel pathetic offering reasoned arguments to a 19mo old, people look at me in the supermarket like I'm overdoing it and being some precious tree-hugging sap of a parent but I'm sure she understands almost all of what I say to her. Well I think she does because if she can argue back with counter suggestions she must understand right? There are times I really am disliking being around her and she has been a happy, curious, dynamo on legs until recently. She doesn't have these big face-offs so much with her dad and I feel quite hurt, why is she so cross with me?

Maybe I should just get a grip and take the more assertive approach; say no, scoop her under an arm and march off with screaming toddler? Hard to march off convincingly in a 2 up 2 down terrace house mind.

It's a small thing, but I don't think that young children get the "we don't..." construction. I think it's more effective to say "No throwing food! That's a rule!"

also, to keep it simple, maybe just take dinner away when she starts throwing it (as well as telling her not to throw). You can work later on teaching her to pick it up.

in other words, "not throwing food" and "picking up mess you've made" are two separate ideas, and probably best to tackle them separately.

I think you should lighten up with her a bit, though I know how frustrating this kind of behaviour is! At this age I think it's really important to choose your battles otherwise, as you say, everything becomes a huge struggle and you stop enjoying her, which is really sad. She will also feel she has no freedom in her life so will rebel against everything.

Holding hands by a road is essential, so you do whatever it takes - strap her in buggy or whatever. Throwing food on the floor is normal for her age and she's also getting loads of attention for it. Imo she is too young to clean it up, mention it to her but I wouldn't try to insist - I don't think you can actually!

I would say ignore where you can, lots of positive attention when she does good stuff, give choices whereever you can so she has less to rebel against and turn stuff that has to be done into a bit of a game whenever possible. Eg with getting pjs on I have pretended to put the trouser bit on ds's head etc - he finds it funny and corrects me. Obviously, I'm not saying that stuff works every time but if you get silly it can change the mood for the better. Ateotd they are very young still.

She probably is looking to see what you're going to do next, but I don't think in a hostile way. Show her that you're not going to do anything - have a change of scene/mood.

A really good book I have found very helpful is 'How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk.' I also read somewhere that if you find yourself arguing with a toddler then you've lost the argument. I try and remember that when I can feel myself getting annoyed.

Oh, and don't give a toss what others think. You have to parent in the way that's right for you and your child. Most people who are parents themselves are probably sympathetic anyway.

My GD is the same age. She has been throwing food on the floor for months. We take it that she is done eating. We clean her up and free her from booster chair, then clean up food ourself. We don't ask her to clean it up. Nobody gets unhappy about it.

It's pretty cute actually. She used to drop food and then lean over and watch it fall. Her daddy did the same thing. For him, I thought of it as action gets reaction. He liked dropping it and watching me pick it up.

Little GD has a twin brother. He doesn't drop food. He smears food on the tray to let us know he is done!

I like letting kids make decisions where they can, but of course, some things they have to cooperate with.

to be honest I would say don't engage in the arguing. Take the bowl away, clean up the mess yourself and don't say anything apart from a firm "no". It will mean a lot less stress for you I imagine and hopefully the LO will soon get bored when she realises she's not getting anything out of it!

Try to tell her what you would like her to do rather than what you wouldn't like her to do. E.g. 'Please keep your food on the tray' rather than 'no throwing food'. This was a tip given to me by a speech and language therapist. If you mention an action the child's mind focuses on the action and the 'Don't' or the 'No' get lost - especially at such a young age.

Therefore it is really important when you are trying to prevent bad behaviour to talk about the good behaviour you would prefer. If you say to a child 'Don't kick the table' that child immediately thinks about kicking the table. If you say 'Feet down' they think about putting their feet down

I'm not saying your DD isn't being deliberately naughty but it might help you to change the focus of what you say to her.

Also remember that you should give more positive praise for the little bits of good behaviour you see (even if they are very tiny or accidental) than any sort of attention for unwanted behaviour. So try to make sure she's getting lots of positive attention when she is behaving well so that she doesn't feel the need to throw food, etc, to get your attention.

She is vile to you because she is safe to be - you're her mum. DS went through a phase where if he fell over and hurt himself, he'd cry, snuggle in for a cuddle, then when he felt better suddenly glare at me in rage and hit me. On a couple of occasions DH was comforting him and he actually waddled over to smack me once tears subsided. I think it was the safest way to express his rage, though it was upsetting. He's stopped that now, thank God. They may speak, but they're still little bundles of raw, emotive reaction. They can understand what you say, but not why they should comply. Intellectual and emotional development out of whack, so to speak.

I don't praise, I thank. If a child does something that makes life easier (eats well, takes my hand when I hold it out, and so on) I thank them for being kind to mummy. I also try really hard to be polite to him - explain that tv is going off now, byebye tv, that I'm about to change a nappy, and so on, because it's so easy to model behaviour that ends up a battle, or ignores their feelings, and I want him to grow up thinking that being nice and polite is natural behaviour rather than parroted training. But sometimes it just IS a battle, and you just have to pick the ones that matter. The more you react angrily to thrown food, though, the more she'll do it. They like winding us up to an extent. The days I am irritated and engage with him being a pain are bad ones, and he is difficult, and the days I just avoid getting into a dispute are the easier. But then again, all kids are different.

I think you may be expecting too much of her. You are certainly taking it way too personally. It is part of a child's development to increasingly assert independence, to try to push against your boundaries. Your job is to give her consistent and appropriate boundaries to push against, and to calmly deal with her defiance, so that she can learn that (a) there are rules and she has to stick by them, (b) her anger and frustration will not make you change your mind, or stop loving her.

In other words, she is just doing her job as a bright, sparky little girl. No point you wishing that she wasn't going through this phase; welcome it as your opportunity to help her learn and grow.

I know it can get very wearing, but if you can reframe it and understanding it as an essential part of her development, rather than see it as an interruption to the mother-daughter relationship you want, then it will feel easier.

In answer to original post - struggling to see who is the adult and who is the child here.

Consequences need to be followed through - if DC throws food on the floor warn that if they do it again you'll take it off them. If they do it again, take it off them. If they throw a tanrtum do what you would normally do when they throw a tantrum, i.e. lay them on the living room floor and ignore them until they realise that they aren't getting any attention and decide to join the family meal again.

Do not give in. You are the adult.

I do think expecting a 19 month old to pick up thrown food is a bit much. I'd just say "okay, meal over" and remove food, bib clean her up and get her out of the high chair. It's a pick your battles thing - reactive anger means they are getting a strong response, and tbh to a toddler that may even be a reward. I don't let mine decide what I do, and that includes getting angry most of the time.

It is worth remembering that at this age they are completely prey to their emotions - they have waves of rage that aren't personal to you in any way. Tantrums are very real and extreme to them, so personally I don't ignore, I sympathise... but they still don't get their own way over the trigger! They need to learn the world doesn't revolve around them, but I don't think a bit of loving sympathy over the stress of that revelation is any bad thing, myself. It's a toughie, after all.