DS has stolen and continues to lie. What shall I do now?

[Spidermama]

I'll try to be brief.
DS was caught on CCTV stealing pick and mix. The cafe owner identified him by showing the film to another mum (a friend of mine) who told me.

When I told DS he cried, was very contrite, said he was sorry. We talked and talked about it. I cried too. I told him the seriousness, and basically we talked for hours.

He said the two friends he was with goaded him along to do it saying he was a coward when he refused. I told him this was no excuse. I know he does stuff to impress these two and I've caught all three of them lying several times before.

Anyway I talked to the other mums and after school today we all went to the park with our boys to talk it over. They both denied that they goaded him. HE then said no they didn't goad him after all.

I made him return what was left of the stolen sweets, pay back the man and apologise.

He's having his guitar lesson just now and I can barely bring myself to look at him I'm so hurt and angry. He said he really needs to tell me something after the guitar lesson and I'm pretty sure he's going to say again, 'They DID tell me to do it but I felt unable to say that in front of them.'

He is grounded for the forseeable.

I would love your take on this. How should I proceed from here?

gosh i don't know.
i think i would possibly take the tack of "if i can't trust you when you are with them then you can't see them for x amount of time"
that applies whether or not you believe they goaded him into it.

Regardless of whether they did goad him or not he would have been too scared to drop them in it to their mums. Either that or dobbing on your mates just isn't the thing to do. Friends or not they wouldn't have been happy. He may well have been telling the truth when he says they did encourage him.

However I'm guessing if hes out with his mates he's old enough to say no. How old is he? At the end of the day he must realise he's responsible for his actions and if the police had been called he would have been the only one in trouble, not his friends.

Why is he still getting his guitar lesson? What punishment/groundings are you doing?

He does sound remoreseful and if its any comfort I think its a fairly normal stage to go through. I can remember pinching sweets from Woolies, only a couple of times. I didn't turn into a hardened shoplifter.

When my son stole I asked the local police to come and have a word. He came home from school the next day to two 6'6" policemen waiting for him. They gave him a right bollocking and he has never done anything like it again.

a) ground/keep him away from the for a while/whatever you may feel necessary

b) do not think this is any kind of indicator of how he is going to grow up, or the start of a spiral of lawlessness

My db did exactly the same thing. He never put his foot out of line again and is as close to a model citizen as you can very well get.

You've made him return the sweets, apologise and pay. That's probably the best punishment.

Maybe he was goaded into it, maybe he wasn't. You'll never know what to believe so I would just tell him that. If he was goaded and now they are lying that could be a very good lesson to him and about friends and loyalty. Perhaps he'll think twice about hanging round with them.

Losing your trust in him is hopefully a very unpleasant consequence for him and may make him think more than being grounded.

Thanks for answering all.

I think I'm more upset about the continued lying than I am about the stealing (which I was pretty bloody upset about!!) I just don't feel I'm connecting with him if he can lie to me like this. He seems to have more respect for friends than for me.

I want an honest relationship. I feel I can't be a good mum if I don't know him and I don't feel I know him if he's lying.

He's 10 by the way. He like playing out but I reckon he won't be doing that for some time.

Sounds like the punishment is enough...I wouldn't over do it now. They probably all encouraged eachother....are the other mums supportive?

i think they usually lie when they feel powerless
i am sure you probably want him to feel you are in control and will be disciplining him however you see fit, however this does lead to lying in some cases as children feel trapped and the only way to regain any dignity, in their minds, is to lie

is there a way you could help him to regain some control over the situation? eg help to decide his own punishment, discussing ways to make sure this doesn't happen again, something like that?
i am sure your respect and regard is very important to him - as it should be - and if he feels he has lost this, but can regain it a little by lying, then he almost certainly will lie
perhaps you could try to find a way to show him that you still care for him even though this has happened
i know you said you can hardly look at him - i do understand, but imagine how it must feel to be so despised that your own mother can't look you in the face
he must be desperate
help him put this behind him as soon as you can
don't let it hang over him, children have a habit of believing labels about themselves and acting them out - 'thief' 'liar'

Good idea to get him to help decide his own punishment.

He has now said that he lied in the park to protect his friends and that they DID encourage him. I am so fuming that they both sat there lying and stitching up DS.

Of course it doesn't take away from the fact that DS did it and also lied but I think what they did was pretty despicable. Possibly even worse.

Anyway, he won't be hanging out with them again as far as I'm concerned. Friends don't treat you like that.