What the hell am i going to do ?

[coolma]

dd4's beahviour has just gone from bad to appalling at nursery lately - lots of 'smallish' incidents where she has been obnoxious with the other kids and staff, culminating with a) Friday when i walked in to find her on her own with a member of staff having been removed from tea as she had started screaming at the boy next to her as she 'doesn't like' him and b) today. I got there and she was sitting on her own again with staff, surrounded by a completely trashed pre school room. She had been asked to do something she didn't want to do and literally went beserk! I was so mortified, I just burst into tears. they made her clear it all up which she really didn't want to do...her behaviour is 'naughty' at home and we do have screams and slamming doors, but we ignore it and try to speak to her later. She knows damn well the behaviour is wrong but doesn't seem able to stop. Please! Anyone?

Is there anyone she might be copying this behaviour from?
Have you tried the naughty step with her? It works really well with my DD who is 4.

Is she getting enough sleep?

So you just ignore her 'naughty' behaviour at home?

I think you need to give her clearer boundaries than just ignoring her.

She needs to learn that her behaviour has consequences.

She needs consequences for her bad behaviour: naughty step/corner; loss of a toy etc.

She also needs to apologise for her behaviour, to you and the person she has done something to (like the boy she didn't like sitting next to her).

How old is she?

It sounds as though there is something she feels bad about and needs to communicate to you, and this is the only way she has.

Does she not want to go to nursery perhaps? Sorry if not very helpful but I think it's wrong to [unish' behaviour like this when it can mean the child is really miserable about something.

Well we donl;t 'ignore' it, but we don;t pander to it. if she wants to run upstars screaming and shut herself in her bedroom, then we let her, and go up later to check she's ok. Sleep is a litle bit of an issue but she has been getting 10/11 hours a night lately. I will try the naughty step then. Thanks

Sorry 'punish'

How old is she?

4 and a half

Sorry, but also is she runs upstairs screaming when is she being "punished"? IMO you need to tackle things straight away with small kids so that they can see the consequence to an action. Do it later and the connection isn't necessarily there.

Checking she's ok also seems a bit odd, surely you should be making sure that the person she has upset is ok.

DD was a nightmare from 4.5-5 years old. Full of defiance and attitude. All you can do is make sure that all those involved in her care are singing from the same hymn sheet. She is old enough to understand consequences, but you need to have a conversation with preschool about what consequences there will be.

I do disagree with you there choufleur - sometimes small children need to have their space to deal with their own lack of control. I wouldn't "punish" tantrums.

Really a bit taken aback by the immediate talk of consequences and punishments.

She is a tiny child and has very little self control.

Punishing her is not the answer - finding out what is causing the behaviour would be a good place to start.

I'm sure the nursery are ensuring the well being of the people she's upsetting. At home she's not actually hurting anyone just losing control. So how do I deal with it when she is screaming and shouting and won't listen to reason? What is the answer?

Crossed posts, clemette!

Has anything happened recently that might be making her worried, for instance, changing rooms at nursery, change of key worker (sorry don't know proper term)
a pregnancy or new sibling at home
parents not getting on well (forgive intrusion!)

things like this can make a child act out big time.

Coolma she sounds either very tired or very stressed.

Or possibly hungry when she loses the plot? Sometimes an offer of food can change the atmosphere instantly.

Regular snacks also good to keep blood sugar on an even keel

I'm trying to think what set ds1 off at this age and it was usually one of these things - hunger or exhaustion.

What you do is stay calm, remove her from the situation, maybe ask her to help you do something she'll enjoy, together.

If all else fails, leave her to thrash it out in her room for a bit, but don't lock her or anything. Prevention is the very vest way of dealing with these issues.

(me again) also wanted to say that the nuaghty step was of limited use here. What did help was a reward system.
We got a white board and divided it into four sections. We sat down and decided together what were the things she did that made me and other people most upset, and we agreed that these were going to be her four areas. We made sure they were phrased positively (ie try to speak nicely to Mummy and Daddy) and at the end of each day she got a sticker in each area if she had had a good day in that area. We didn't take stickers away, but if she hadn't done it she didn't get a sticker. When she got 30 stickers she could choose a treat.
We didn't do it for very long, but it was a short-term break from the endless circle of poor behaviour-telling her off.
Might be worth giving rewards for the behaviour you want rather than punishing that you don't. Nursery could also come on board with this by giving her her own target for each day with a sticker if she does it.

She is still little, she is still learning how to be.

There are possibly several options, depending on the severity of her behaviour and which settings it takes place in. You could
a) arrange a meeting with nursery to discuss the behaviour, triggers, compare notes on how you deal with it
b) see if your local CAMHS has a telephone advice line for parents (e.g. ours does and you don't need to be referred
c) see the GP for a referral re: behaviour
d) Choose a discipline method that works for you, reward charts etc and ask nursery to be consistent

I would focus on triggers/ stress/ etc not on her being 'naughty'.

Good luck.

Nothing has changed - me and dh get on very well nursery say that her and the other four year olds are 'bored' which is a little irritating given the fees we pay! We started a reward chart but she lost interest. It's just difficult as her elder brother and sister were absolutely fine!

Clemette. I agree that sometimes children need space to cool down but ignoring your parent and stomping away screaming is not very nice behaviour.

Coolma DS is getting bored at nursery, I think cos he is ready to move on and go to school.

dd! I know, that is the problem...however, she still has until august 24th - I wish she didn't in some ways..We do try to make her weekends busy and 'interesting' - and if either of us is off work we will kep her at home. Argh! why did I think 3 children was a splendid plan