What would you do?

[Slickbird]

My BF DD is 3 and for the last year and a half she has had a terrible habit of clawing at her baby brother or hitting him. She also hits other children. They came round yesterday and the first hour or so was ok, then she started hitting her brother, then my baby son (15 months) then my DD2 (2.9). Latterly, she hit my DD2 in the head with a plastic golf club, twice. I was feeling so pissed off about it but having just had the conversation with my bf about other people disciplining your child and i had said that on the whole, I would always let the parent do it unless I was looking after the child myself.

BUT the issue here is, I think my BF is FAR TOO SOFT with her, she hardly ever shouts at her as she doesn't like confrontation, and if her daughter does something like that, she takes her aside and says very quietly, "now mummy told you not to do that, didn't I? Go and say sorry". The daughter says sorry and does it again 2 mins later. And I'm just thinking, 'THAT DOESN'T FUCKING work and meanwhile all the kids are crying because she's going round hitting them!!!!" If it were mine, I would be giving her a serious row and putting her away in the hall or whatever.

This is my best friend who I have known for over 30 years, but I just don't know how to handle this. It's almost like she thinks, Oh well what can you do? Her baby son constantly had blood drawn by her and was always nursing some kind of war wound! It's just not right. I feel like if I say something about it she will get very upset and it is really tricky, but I can have her DD going round hitting my kids!

Any advice greatfully received.

It's your home, your children and what the child is doing is totally unacceptable. If your friend does the simpering 'now mummy told you... etc.' then the next time it happens I would get hold of the kid tightly and give her a much, much harsher message along the lines of 'your mum already said no and now I'm saying CUT IT OUT or I will not let you come to my house again!!!'... If you do it that way then it looks like you're supporting your friend rather than being horrible

My friend's is the same... rubbish at discipline. Her extremely naughty son thwacked me so hard once on the leg (deliberately) with a plastic sword that, without thinking, I grabbed him by the arm and pulled him round furiously, hand raised!!! He looked at me in total terror. Of course I didn't actually smack the evil little bugger, but he never so much as back-chatted me again after that. Should add that she was out of the room when it happened....

Good luck

Thanks for your response. I know, I feel I could do with a 'friend out of the room' moment with her DD too!

I feel pissed off that I am effectively doing nothing while my children get hurt and wait for my friend to do something about it. It's almost like the wee girl keeps pushing it and pushing it waiting for the correct tough response which she is just not getting. I even thought she could do with a smack herself so that she realises that it hurts!

Actually really interesting what you said about telling the child off as well as my friend was just complaining yesterday about someone she knows who chastised her DD after she had already given her a 'row' and in a way I agreed (before her dd started hitting my kids!) that she maybe shouldn't have, but now I'm thinking, 'no bloody wonder' as she was probably feeling that my friend was totally ineffective at handling it. I just feel concerned that if I approach her, or even do what your suggesting she will take it very personally.

I did wonder about maybe speaking to her DH as he def takes less crap from her and I would prob be able to raise my concerns with him. Don't want my friend to feel like I'm going behind her back! Arrrgh!

But agree, it's my house and my kids and I can't let this happen.

Good luck. It's always a thorny one but I'd suggest that if you've known each other for years she is more in the 'family' category than 'acquaintance'... And I tend to think that if it's a close relationship and you see each other a lot and respect each other's values, responsibility for the children is almost interchangeable.

She is, she's like a sister to me. That's the problem with kids tho, they're like our ego on little legs - so any remark to them is an affront to us, even if you agree with what's being said! I'll have to mull this one over I think....

Some kids are just a bit aggressive at 3 but they grow out of it - I don't think they are aware of what they're doing. Also, some just don't respond to being yelled at. A quiet explanation afterwards may be a better approach for your friend. If you really are concerned about yours being medically hurt, suggest remove all stick shaped items - golf clubs, hammers etc before they come - or suggest playdates at soft play or the park. Most kids of this age in my experience either physically or verbally hurt other kids at some time or another as they're learning how to behave. I think you do risk losing your best friend if you criticise her parenting methods - maybe she's just worn out with it all. I used to belong to a mother and child coffee morning group where we took turns to host at each others houses - there wasn't a toddler there who didn't at some time or another hit another. The only mum I can't bear to see any more is the one who massively over reacted and was completely blind when her ds wacked someone over the head. Don't mean to be controversial but I think you should cut them some slack.

Yeah, I know what you're saying and to a greater or lesser extent, I do agree. I'm not saying that for every thing a child does wrong you should yell at them, but the problem is this has been going on solid for at least a year and a half (so since she was 1 1/2) and honestly, if you saw how many times she has drawn blood on her wee baby brother, you would maybe feel differently. I think my point is that the quiet chat just isn't working. I totally understand that my friend is worn down with it, but I really think she needs to change tack. I was discussing it with another friend and we were both interested at her lack of 'maternal rage instinct' at another (even your own) hurting your youngest. My friend agreed that even with her 4 year old son, if he were to hit or hurt his baby sister he'd get a serious bollocking.

I know that most kids go through phases of hitting, scratching or pinching, but not usually, IME for so long and I just think that there needs to be a change in approach. Even if we do remove the objects that could hurt, she just hits or scratches anyway. Actually, the way she does it is actually a wee bit sinister and quiet and then she just stares at them like "What you gonna do now?" It's really like she's trying to find that boundary.

Sigh. I just don't know.

See what you're saying if it's been going on so long. It's really difficult. Just seems a real shame to risk upsetting your BF over this. Maybe see how you feel in a couple of days.

I think what would be a much bigger shame for your BF than having her best friend make some effort to deal with her out of control child is if you end up having to bar her from your home and she ends up with a completely antisocial 5 year-old, 10 year-old, 15 year-old at the end of the day.

Speak up... you have nothing to lose.

I know. I've been mulling it over and just spoke to my Dad about it who has also known her for 30 years and thinks I should sit her down, just us and say, "Look, I love you dearly, but....".

Like you said Chil - I'm not just concerned about my kids but also for the kid she might be inovertantly creating and eventually isolating as no one will want to play.

Will let you know how I get on.

Thanks for replies. xx