Annoying, long, multi-question/theme thread

[Midge25]

Hi all. Am having a few struggles w/ my gorgeous, funny dd, 2.5 - am hoping the wise-MNers can help...

The first thing is about food. Dd's been at nursery ft since she was 7m, and generally eats quite well there, trying lots of new things etc. At home, she goes through a lot of phases re fussiness, and a recent bad cold and the current heat aren't helping. But this current fussy phases seems to be happening at nursery too, which is worrying me as historically I could always be reassured that at least she'd eaten well, and in a balanced way, there.

She's currently refusing to eat, or only having 2 mouthfuls of anything savoury, even what used to be stalwarts and favourites - and seems to be living on raisin toast, bagels, breakfast cereal and fruit - basically anything vaguely bland or sweet. My dilemma is how to manage it as she's getting v little protein/dairy eg from meat/cheese/milk. What do other MNers do?

My dh thinks she should be given one choice for lunch, and if refuses, no other food offered til next meal (incl 'pudding', which, btw, is normally fruit, which she sees as a massive treat, but can occasionally be custard or yoghurt). However, he tends to tell her off for not eating, issuing warnings like "I will be cross if I've made this tuna sandwich for you and you don't eat it" before she's even sat down. My feeling is that it's all about attention and trying to manipulate us to get what she wants - don't want to reward her for not eating savouries, by giving 'pudding', but also wonder if by issuing threats/denying sweet things, and so punishing her, it becomes more of an 'issue', and gets her more attention, iyswim.

I've dealt w/ similar phases by offering 2 choices and adopting a v relaxed approach, eg appearing totally disinterested in whether she eats or not, but also saying that she can't have a dessert if doesn't eat a reasonable amount of main. This used to work, but lately she's just shrugged and been happy to get down from the table - by the end of the day is hungry, cranky and irritable, and I'll admit dh and I often give in at this stage (feel bad about her going to bed hungry etc) so will let her have some plain toast or something.

The second issue is around discipline. Dd is a wonderfully bright, chatty and sociable little girl, and we've mercifully largely avoided the terrible twos thus far, in terms of tantrums etc. But she is becoming quite bossy and rude at times: "mummy! make my bagel!" etc. We have talked with her about speaking to people nicely and she will occasionally use please and thank you, help us to tidy up etc. But others are saying she's too young for us to expect 'manners'...

What do you all think? Any views gratefully received

Don't stress! My dd1 (now just turned 3) went from being a voracious eater to living pretty much on milk and fresh air from the age of about 2 and a half. I think it's not uncommon for their appetites to drop off quite dramatically as they get older. I'd just offer her food & if she doesn't want it don't make a fuss. Offer puddings as normal (we normally don't bother with them, to be honest) - if she wants it, she can have it, if she doesn't, that's fine too. Just don't make food into an area of power struggles & don't worry even if she's eating hardly anything (unless she seems dangerously thin, in which case go to the doctor) - I'm sure she won't starve herself.

And on behaviour, I think it's completely normal. My dd1 is dreadfully bossy, & pretty much all the other mothers I know with children the same age say it's exactly the same with them. I do insist on please & thankyou, & sometimes I'll say something along the lines of 'I'm not going to do things for you if you ask me like that', but then I also praise her to the skies if she does remember to ask nicely.

I'm sure she's just fine! Two year olds are gorgeous - they're just learning to assert themselves, & sometimes need a bit of help to do this in appropriate ways....

Hi

I went through this food thing with my daughter too. It's frustrating but I did find one thing worked. Whatever meal time it was, I allowed up to 45 minutes and let her eat as much or as little as she liked and then took the food away. No fuss - and no pudding or snacks if the whole meal did not go. It turned out that my daughter, now 6 and able to articulate some memories, was simply full. I used to leave a banana by her bedside in case she woke up hungry. She now eats like a horse but doesn't mess me around when it comes to food. Good luck!

With regards to behaviour, what can sound imperious to adults is sometimes just simple language to a toddler. Reinforce good manner for sure but she is a bit young at 2.5 and so I wouldn't be too exercised if she doesnt get her manners right every time.

I have very little advice regarding the eating but I agree with you that a softly, softly approach is best to avoid negative associations with mealtimes or the fact that she may be doing it for attention. At your dd's age ds never refused food. Now he is 3 he sometimes refuses main meals he has previously eaten and enjoyed . I never make an issue of it and never say he can't have desert as I want to avoid letting him know that the main meal is more important to me. If desert is healthy, does it matter if she eats that and not so much main meal? Could you add Greek youghurt to the fruit so that she gets protein and calcium that way? Sorry, not much help.

Regarding behaviour, she sounds just like my ds, especially as he was about a year ago. I used to hear other parents going on about the 'magic word' or endlessly saying ' what do you say?' and I did a fair bit of that myself. I always felt it was a bit meaningless if he was just saying the words.

I agree that she is too young for manners but I would start talking about them and modelling what you want from her, but not necessarily getting her to 'parrot' it. So always be polite to her and each other and, if you get the chance, talk about how it makes people feel if someone is rude - stories or maybe people you see out and about are good for this. Saying things like, 'Oh, I expect that mummy is sad and cross that the little boy snatched the drink..' etc etc. My ds is obsessed with his peers and their parents and is always saying, 'Why is that Mummy cross, why is that girl crying?' so I get lots of opportunities for this! These conversations and your example really do sink in, though you may not see the evidence for a while.

The bossy demands sound exactly like ds a year ago and I often just did as he asked, then felt guilty for not trying to get him to be polite. A few times I remember getting into pointless struggles trying to get him to rephrase his request when he couldn't see the point. Your post has made me realise he doesn't talk like that any more, I'm sure they just grow out of it as long as they have a 'better' way modelled for them.

Hth.

No point in agruing or getting cross at them becuse ultimately, if you do get cross and they still refuse to eat then it really is just pointles because you can not force her to eat.

My ds at that age went through phases of eating hardly anything other than yogurt and rasins. Even toast and his old favourite spagghetti bolognaise were refused after a couple of spoonfulls. Often he would refuse to come to the table at all and scream if I made him so just calmly explained to him that he would be hungry if he didn't eat and then just leave him.

I personally don't agree with leaving them until their next meal because their tummies are very small at this age so she may just not be hungry at meal times but an hour later I would offer a peice of fruit, not enough to fill them up for the next meal but it's extra vitamins and a bit to keep them going.

The less of a fuss you make, the quicker the phase will pass.

My ds is 3 now and is a pretty good eater - albeit a slooooooooooooow eater but he eats a huge variety of foods!

Hi again. Sorry for late reply: don't get on here as much as I would like. Thanks for all your suggestions and reassurance. DD's eating has improved again over last few days - I like the idea about the Greek yog and also the disinterested "oh well, you'll be hungry" thing - this encouraged her to try some pasta in a new kind of sauce the other day - quite a big breakthrough although she only ate 5 pieces of it! Re the manners thing, I agree that sometimes she's just parroting 'please' and 'thank you' and certainly don't require her to say it every time she asks for something. My admonishments are currently reserved for when I think she's fairly seriously out of line - the other day was a corker: "MUMMY! BE QUIET AND GO IN THE KITCHEN TO GET MY JUICE!" She's so cute I find it hard to be really mad though.