horendous behaviour in DD1 age 5

[zoelikesjam]

I dont know if any of you can help me.

I had a phone call from school today telling me my lovely daughter had spat in another childs face. But not only the once, she did it a week ago, she also will not have any respect for other adults in the school, apart from her teacher and head. She ignores dinner ladies, other teachers etc.

I honestly do not know where this horrible little child has come from. She is my angel and has always been wonderful, even her teachers said so. But over the last six weeks, jeez shes turned.

The only thing i can think of is i'm going through a nasty custody case with her daddy atm due to dv, and although i dont tell her anything about it, i am told dad does. The only other issue i can think of is when she visits dads she 'hangs around' with her cousins, who are not the most savory of characters....

Im so worried as she was exceling in school and now everything seems to be going haywire.

She's also started wetting the bed after being dry for near enough two years.

Im at a lose end and could cry. What should i do?

She does sound angry and distressed,the bedwetting is worrying I think.My dd is five and she can be tantrummy still at times if she is tired and/or hungry but this sounds more than that.Can you talk with her about it and try to find out what she is feeling? I would explain the situation to her teacher too.I take it talking it over with her father isn't an option?

This is what is making me so concerned. she seems so angry ans iritable. she'll be six in october and she should not be dealing with this.
I've spoke with her teacher on the phone this morning and we've agreed to go in and sit down with her, the head, the teacher, myself and step dad. I hope in someway this will figure something out. I also intend to talk with the adults just alone.
I dont want her to hear my feelings about court.
I really wish i could talk to dad, but he is such a pig(to me not the kids, we have diferent views but i know he loves them in his own weird way!)and i have a restraining order against him.
I feel like im in limbo, and i feel like i've failed my baby.
She was so amazing when she started school, and since shes been seeing dad again things have just gone....I honestly dont want to blame this on him but i dont see anyother way?
Im racking my brains to figure if there is something i've done.

You have a restraining order against him? Is he violent towards you?

yes. The children have only ever witnessed it once, just over a year ago, and he's never been violent with them

That is terrible,this must be awful for you as you are dealing with recovering emotionally from that and now to see your dd so distressed must be really hard.She is getting her anger from somewhere though so is he verbally angry about you to her? Do you think her cousins might bully her ,I mean are they a family who use violence a lot? I do think that the bedwetting is really worrying,and that perhaps she needs to get a lot off her chest,I am not sure how to help her,she might feel there are things she can't say to you if her father is manipulative (which he probably is,if he is violent,as they go hand in hand).Could she see a counsellor maybe? i am hoping someone else will have good advice,but I am really feeling sad for you. I really do wonder quite what is happening to her at her Dad's though?

dont because i got the report from caffcaa through this morning and its ok'd more time with dad....and i honestly dont know what to do now

am very for you,it seems that is the last thing she needs.Is there no-one to fight your corner?

Hope you can sit down with the staff before you all sit down with your poor DD, so it doesn't come across as, or develop into, a blame the DD session/ tell her she's doing everything wrong-fest. I hope the school powers that be are wise enough to not see this just as a 'discipline problem' thing.

I think this is clearly about the huge stress she's being put through by her crappy father, if he's involving her in blow by blow accounts of your relationship problems, or making nasty remarks about you to her when she spends time with him.

I agree with the suggestion of seeing a counsellor. Maybe with counselling, the recommendation of more time with him could be changed too, depending on what emerges in the course of therapy? But it could help her no matter what, in navigating the situation, expressing her sadness and whatever feelings have changed her.

that someone who has a restraining order against him can ever be seen as a good parent. What is wrong with this picture???

Children don't have to be the direct victims of dv to be profoundly affected by it.

I'm with you mathanxiety.Its bonkers.And in the middle is a very small angry and sad little girl who needs protecting,and whose mother is doing her best to protect her,but who is being let down by everyone else.I just hope the school are helpful zoe.

bit more explaination-

Dad was very violent, i left him when youngest was born. From breaking up he had the children every weekend as they were young and neither went to school.
The order was working, he had social services on his back as his parenting skills are less than satisfactory. He doesn't hit or be violent towards them so everything seemed to be ok.
Mothers day 2009 we went to collect the children and he assulted me in front of them.

We got a court order to keep him and his family away from me and stopped visiting as the children were very disraught.
Going through court so he can see the children(9months on) and things have been ok so far.
We had an apointment with caffcass and have just received the letter. Im am so stressed i think im going bald!
During the interview it was made very clear i wanted fortnightly visits, and for the week he doesnt see them maybe a tea time visit.
I was lead to believe this was a good idea, as now the children are at school i would never get to see them.

I got the report friday and it states he can have them every three weekends, i get them the forth, and ever wednesday after sch for tea.
This has stressed me out so much, means(minus sleep and school) he gets them 194hours a month, i get 73...tell me thats fair? Considering i've had them most of their lives and cared for them and them dad gets fun time?!
Im very confussed though as i had a letter from my solicitor yeasturday saying he had spoken to the Caffcass officer and its to be fortnightly visits, which im happyish with.

Only problem is i dont know which on is the latest! Honestly i can't cope much longer

This is only going to make things worse for DD and me.
Has anyone has any experiance with caffcass, can the report be changed in court?
Sorry to have babled on, im just in a real state

Get back to your solicitor for clarification asap. This doesn't seem right as you are the primary residential parent. Even for a non-violent father, the standard visitation is every other weekend, plus, maybe, an evening during the week.

My plan of action-

First thing in the 'morrow....call solicitors and caffcass...
Then find a child psychologist.
We are in court on tuesday morning and i am going to fight this if it makes me ill i swear to god.

How did this go from being about DD's temper to this?!
Thankyou for all your support, i've only been a member for 72hours and i already feel so much support xxx

Lord that is horrendous.Truly.I am not surprised your hair is falling out.I'm surprised it hasn't gone white. I have experienced a violent boyfriend,it was before I had children,and a long time ago,but it was dreadful and I was terrified of him.I had panic attacks for years after I left him and it took me a long time to trust any man again.I met my lovely kind DH and I rarely think of it now,but I do know what effect it has on you,and to be dealing with that plus children..well..you are very very brave.Do you think there is any chance he could be violent towards your children as they get older? Personally I don't get why a violent father has any visiting rights AT ALL,I just don't understand why the courts would take that risk.
There are a lot of women here with experience of dv,sadly.So you should get some support online at least.very very for you and your dc.

zoe - sounds horrendous - but if the report says 'every three weekends' surely that means 1 weekend in 3 not 3 out of 4?

definitely you should have them more than him!

unfortunatly not, it means he gets them every three weekends, i get them one.

One terrible thing to happen, but maybe good(i hate thinking this) Is DD's behaviour at school over the last few months has earned her susspension! She's FIVE ffs. I was on the phone to the head today, he is horrified. His words-

she started off angelic, high achiever, one of the best achedemic stundents we've ever had(she is in reception but was moved to year two within a month) and over the last 8 weeks she's been horrible.

He said its ;heartbreaking; watching such a wonderful child deteriorate. I filled him in as much as i could, and he is horrified she'll be spending more time with dad. He dug out the 'books' and every time she's been vile has been the week preceeding seeing dad at the weekend. I've got a meeting with him in the morning before court, he is going to write a letter. How much kudos this letter will have in court i dont know, but head has told me to keep on fighting, and if tomorrow doesnt go toplan he is happy to come to court with me to make a statement. So keep your fingers crossed.

I'm just in limbo. Totally bewildered. I don't know where my perfectly wonderful child has gone. I know it sounds daft, but my younger two are typical children, misbehave etc. Jaimee is a golden child, exceedingly bright, somewhat scarily clever. Has been one of the best students at the school since he beacame Head teacher aparently...and t watch her melt is breaking my heart.

Hellymelly, I dont honestly ever think he would be violent towards them...He only became violent with me when i got pregnant for the first time, he lost his temper when i was 13 weeks and pushed me down the stairs. I lost the baby and stupidly stayed with him...although if i didnti wouldnt have my two wonderful babies now. I know it sounds rediculous me wanting him to see the children, i dont know, maybe any sane person wouldnt allow it, but he's never directly hurt them and he is there dad and they love him so. I do however think he is being violent/agressive towards his new GF, whos just had his child...and they might be seeing this?

Desertgirl, I know I should have them more...for him to have them 196 something hours and me 73 is pure verging on rediculous....I have loved and raised my two beautiful babes from finding out i was pregnant, me not him and they are respectable because of me...although the way things are with my angel, i dont know what to think.

Massive vibes for 'morrow xxxx

That all sounds so terrible! I'm so sorry you're going through all this.

I don't really have much advice other than to say you're 100% right you getting 73 hours is ridiculous, and also to send you some hugs and positive vibes!!

Hope you're ok, stay strong and I'm sure you'll have your Little Girl back soon. xxxxxxx

zoelikesjam, I've not been a MN member very long either but I'm wondering if your thread should be in Relationships as well as Parenting? There are much darker side issues to your story than your child exhibiting questionable behaviour, painful as it is. Maybe someone at MNHQ could move or replicate it there? There are threads in Relationships which might be of assistance to you with this horrible situation.

Just because your XH hasn't hit the children, they have witnessed his hitting you, which is damaging for them in itself. It seems very likely there is a definite link between your daughter's deterioration and the contact with her dad IMO, but I'm not an expert and only going on what you've told us.

Your daughter still sounds like a nice child, BTW - albeit angry and distressed. With circumstances like this to contend with, she can't really be blamed for her reactions - she's still very young! Hope your other child is coping all right?

Please let us know how the meetings went!

Hey all. Laser, thats a really good idea, if a mod can move the thread would be grateful!

The court was stressful as usual but not horendous. We've contested the order so have to go through a full trial again which sucks but it for the best.

My daughter is beautiful, and generally an angel around me! Shes been working hard at school the last week after our chat and has had a star every day so fingers crossed it will help if she talks to me more, seems to.
Lou my son....hmmm he was very young, 6 weeks when i left and when the assult happened he was only two so doesnt really remember it. thankfully. He does have a very quick temper but im attributing that to maybe genes from dad?
Luckily I met my oh(soon to be hubby in 14 days!) when he was only one so he has had a stable male figure in his life and knows how men should behave.
Will let you all know how we get on.
Thankyou so much x