Help! Need to keep calm and be less physical with toddler (LONG)

[almosthanginginthere]

Wow, this is a scary one to post. My DS1 is 2.8, DD2 is 8mo. I'm finding that there is hardly a day goes by at the moment that I'm not roaring at DS1 at some point for running off/throwing things/hitting me or his sister.

He's a spirited, lively lad, and most of the time is a bit of a handful, but honestly not what I would call naughty. And then every so often, he just seems to get the devil in him, and despite my best efforts at distraction/positive parenting/ignoring naughty stuff, he eventually finds the right button to press and I'm shouting. and more worryingly, being too physical with him.

Tonight was a case in point. Solo bedtime as DH working late. DS1 is tired after a day at nursery, and I hold it together in the face of his knackered tantrums. and then just as I'm feeding DD2, who has been unsettled at nighttime recently, he kicks off, and starts pushing at her, kicking her and me etc.

I lost it - picked him up and hauled him into his bedroom, called him a horrible boy....

If it's not that, it's me dragging him along too quickly by the arm when he's run away from me at the park/in town etc.

So, feeling totally shit , even though i apologised to him for shouting and we managed to finish bedtime with a story and cuddle.

Shouldn't/don't want to be getting physical with him at all. How do I hold it together in that flashpoint moment? Any ideas?

This isn't to say it's ok, but I was like that - DS1 sounds v similar to your boy - and you know, we are human, & unless you are wired a particular way (and lots of those who are will doubtless come on this thread & tell you off) you will flip eventually. Either that or sob - the energy has to go somewhere. I remember walking away from him at home, into the garden, so that I didn't lose it, & he followed me! I kept saying, please leave me alone for a few minutes as I don't want to lose my temper, but he went on and on...Aagh! I locked myself in the loo eventually. He kept banging on the door but at least I could cry without him seeing me. I felt like SUCH a crap parent.
It WILL get a bit easier. DS1 is still a pain at times but as ones children get older, one gets more sleep, and better reserves.

Some people just find it easier to tune it all out - lucky them.

Good luck - you are not crap!

Oh god, I so feel your pain. You really are not the only one! My DS1 is 2.4 (and god knows he can certainly press MY buttons and not the right ones for sure!) and DS2 is almost 8 months old. Doesn't help that DS2 is the sweetest thing ever and worship DS1, while DS1 is 'opportunistic' to say the least. Giving his brother a little sly kick, slap etc... Not hard but enough for me to see red!

Please don't feel like a bad mum... I end most days with the resolve that I will be a better mum tomorrow and sometimes, I do better and sometimes, I don't. Don't be too hard on yourself. He won't remember much of this when he is older and things will get easier as well when your DD is bigger. Just wanted to say you really are not alone in facing this!

I think I just feel so disappointed in myself. I could tell as soon as we got home he was going to be a handful tonight, and was really resolved to keep my cool.

Looking back, I can see how I should have ignored it, but it's easy to work out where you've gone wrong after the fact, isn't it?

I read on someone else's thread that they imagined they were always on CCTV - and it's true - I never lose my cool as much when others are around - but then that makes me feel even worse, like I'm secretly this horrible horrible mother who just puts up a good front.

Deep breathing, take a moment, it sounds like cliche but stepping back really works.

It sounds as if DS is probably jealous of your 8 month old. I have a 3 yr old dd and 11 month old ds, dd gets jealous easily, certainly feeding times for baby are when it shows, but she pretty much just stays away from her brother, she ignores him all the time, maybe boys show jealousy differently. I'd make some time for just you and ds alone, try reassuring him in ways and see if he behaves any better.

Good luck, I know it's tough

I think you have a point seashore. DS1 is generally adorable to his little sister, but i bet if i think about it, the dips in behaviour are when she's getting lots of my attention.

Maybe I'm expecting a bit too much of him. DH and I had talked about us each getting time alone with a child - he with DH2, who he feels he doesn't get much 1-1 with, and me with DS1, so maybe this is something we should put into practice.

thanks all, feeling a bit better already for venting and for your support.

I don't think there's much wrong with selectively losing your temper or even getting a bit physical. You have to be able to switch on 'scary mummy' occasionally so that they sit up and take notice. Doesn't have the same impact if you do it all the time...constant bellowing just becomes white noise and boring ... but if you unleash it in extremis they tend to be a bit more on their toes the rest of the time. (When you get really good at it the 'scary look' is enough)

Face it... one day they're going to be 14 years old, probably six inches taller than you and the only thing that'll keep them in line is the memory that you have a dark side. LOL

I agree with Chil1234 that children need to see sometimes that their parents have feelings and are angry with them when they misbehave.

Don't underestimate the one-on-one time. We have done so with DS1 since a couple of months ago and he is so much better behaved on the weekend when he has had some one-on-one with DH or me. He definitely misbehaves mostly when it's just me, him and DS2. We find it fairly easy to do one-on-one with DS1 on the weekends. For example, last Saturday, DH took DS1 to the park for a kick around with the ball and for him to run off some energy. Then, on Sunday morning, I put DS2 down for a nap and took DS1 for a quick morning swim while DH stays with DS2. It doesn't have to be a special event, just something you both enjoy together. This Sunday, am thinking of taking DS1 to the local school fete while DH stays home with DS2 to watch the England-- game.

almosthangininthere I think that plan would really help, it's great that otherwise he's nice to dd, I think they see focused attention like feeding times almost as a threat to their own food supplies! as well as mummies attention! I thought by now with my dd she would be used to her brother but no, she's still no fan, she still remembers before he showed up at all!