14mo DS pushes me away when he's upset

[Bicnod]

Is this normal?

He gets himself in a proper state sometimes, really crying and screaming. He arches his back and pushes away from me with arms and legs, but if I put him down he screams even louder. This is usually when he wakes during the night, but sometimes during the day as well.

I'm going with the assumption that he doesn't actually want me to put him down but the pushing/arching is just his way of demonstrating how upset he is, so I continue cuddling him/singing to him and usually, eventually, he calms down that way.

He does the pushing away thing with the childminder as well so it's not just me.

He's not a very cuddly baby, he's quite independent, but he's very happy and smiley most of the time. We've never left him to cry and we have plenty of one-on-one cuddly story and playing time.

Not sure what to make of it really. It feels a bit crap to think he doesn't find comfort in my cuddles [needy pathetic mummy emoticon].

Is it normal for him to want his own space? Yes, I would say so. Don't take it to heart, just respect his wishes.

Unless..... he is so wound up he doesn't know what he wants. If this is the case, and it's your experience that giving him a forceful bearhug despite his protests cuts short the tantrum (shorter than leaving him to it), then sounds like you are doing absolutely the right thing.

Don't worry, even the most angelic of them get themselves worked up into terrible states, it's totally normal. Poor loves are just big bundles of emotion, and they are too young to know what to with it all. If it's any consolation, I remember dd1 would have the hugest tantrums at this age, and the only way to calm her down was a huge huge cuddle, and she is probably 99 out of a 100 on the good as gold scale. It gets better when they get a bit older. Tis normal.

Thanks lukewarmcupfotea (great name btw - I'm drinking one at the moment).

He definitely likes his own space as a general rule, but I think when he's really wound up and upset its as you say, he doesn't know what he wants.

Even when he's really arching away from me if I put him down (which is what he seems to be indicating he wants) he screams even more (which is sometimes no mean feat), so I think he does want to be cuddled really.

I just don't want to force him to have a cuddle if he doesn't want it, but equally I don't want to leave him to it when all he really wants is a cuddle.

Bloody minefield this parenting lark. Glad to hear it's pretty normal though.

Yes, as lukewarmcupoftea says, it's normal for some children to want their own space.

My 3 year old still does this and has done since he was about 20 months old. Unless he's really hurt himself and needs a cuddle. If he's just angry or frustrated, he hates people fussing over him. He just pushes me away.

Thanks traintastic.

I can't wait for him to be able to articulate what he wants - although having said that, if he doesn't really know what he wants then maybe that won't be much help...

It does help hugely when they can tell you what they want, but only in terms of reducing the frequency of the strops iyswim. Once they get themselves into a state then they still can't tell you what they want! Don't worry, you can't guess right 100% of the time, so long as they know you're trying to help and you love them, that's all that matters.

Ps I used to be anothercoldcupoftea, so it does get easier!

[waves to Bicnod - missing you on M.I.]

DD does this too sometimes. I just cuddle her through it too. I do occasionally put her down, just to check that's not what she wants, but usually she screams more too.

at cups of tea getting progressively warmer

Hey Galena - I'll be back on the misguided illusion thread soon. My absence has sadly not been due to sleep, oh no no no, just lack of time and energy to post. I've been lurking though so I know what you've all been up to and it sounds like Skye-baby has been having a hard time of it - she has been through the ringer hasn't she?

Glad to hear that DS isn't the only one doing the pushing away then screaming when put down thing. I was worried it wasn't normal behaviour but sounds like it is.