'why is dd2 soooo odd' asks dd1

[misdee]

i have 4 dd's, dd1 is 10, dd2 is 7. dd3 is 5, dd4 is 19months.

DD2 is a little quirky and suspected of being somehwre on the austism spectrum. but no dx as yet. she has help at school with social skills etc.

dd1 is picking up on how different dd2 can be. for instance, how precise she has to be. she wont just say 'dog food' she will reel off 'James Wellbeloved turkey and rice kibble' and some of the facts on the packaging about hypoallergenic, no beef etc etc. which is what sparked todays question.

we repliede 'because she is Lauren'
'Butr other Laurens arent like this'
'yes, but she is our Lauren, she is unique, every one is'
'but why'
'because it would be boring if we were all the same'

dd1 just did the whole 'whatever' look and huffed which 10yr olds do as they think they know it all.

how do i explain it better? dd2 knows she is different in some ways, but seems at ease most of the time. she will witter on for ages about the 'james wellbeloved kibble' and anything to do with dogs.

btw dd1 loves dd2, but i think is struggling socially with her fiends noticing dd2 oddities.

slightly deliberte type there

anyone?

A lovely ASD expert told my DD that there is nothing wrong with her (she has AS) but her brain is wired a bit differently from some other people's brains. This means that she has different strengths and some of those strengths are a big advantage while others may make her find it a bit difficult to fit in.

It felt like a very positive way to put it and went down well with DD1.

Hellodd is 4 and has some unusual behaviours.ds has often asked why she is like she is and I reply,because her brain is a bit diferent to other children and she sometimes does funny things but we love her because she is dd.

The lovliest thing ds asked recently was whetehr he could look ater dd when she was bigger.He is such a sweetheart.

I told him that unless he really wanted to this wouldn't be the case as nurses would look after dd when she was bigger and he might get married/and or have children of his own when he was big.

he is such a lovely boy and i am so proud of him.He has had such a lot to deal with recently

If your dd1 is 10 years old, then I think she definitely needs a better explanation than just "she is Lauren", which could sound like "I am fobbing you off because there is something totally scary that I don't think you can deal with". You are treating her like a much younger child, and this could be very disconcerting/leave her thinking there is something seriously wrong.

Remember this is an age where they are expected to learn about quite difficult things. Ds (10) told me this morning they are doing a week on puberty and drugs (hopefully not in conjunction!); if you can't talk openly to your dd about her sister, she may end up thinking there is something more serious hidden here than the things people are talking to her about (which may well include unwanted pregnancies and the effects of ecstasy).

Much better to explain exactly how much you know about dd2, that she may be on the autistic spectrum, but that you are waiting for a diagnosis. And then explain about the autistic spectrum. I would use the same language as if speaking to a non-medically trained adult; ime 10yos can usually take this and like the feeling that they are taken seriously.

At that age, dd and her friends knew perfectly well which friends and relatives were on the spectrum, it carried no stigma and was not seen as something scary or beyond their years to understand. But it did help them to be tolerant and accommodate somebody's needs. They have grown up not thinking of SN as something scary or not to be talked about: I think they are lucky compared to my generation.

Ah Mavis I'm welling up at your DS asking if he could look after his sister. What a little star.

OP, I agree with cory - she can probably understand quite a detailed explanation at 10.

i know. but it was out of the blue.

she has a cousin with HFA and 2 cousins with cerebal palsy so she knows about different conditions etc.

we have said that dd2 just sees things differently to other people, and just likes to get her teeth into subjects (dinosaurs, pokemon etc).

she knows we have concerns about dd2 as i go into the school to discuss things.

dd1 has had a lot to deal with, and i sometimes feel wary of overburdening her with thoughts

I know what you mean about overburdening, but she has noticed something and I don't think your measured explanation can be scarier than her own imaginations.

Besides, it is an age where they are very anxious to conform and not stand out: unless you explain to her why dd2 is a special case, you can't really expect her not to get angry if she seems to show her up in front of her friends. If you just say "she likes doing this" it will seem to her as if her sister is awkward on purpose to make her life difficult.

She may also get teased at school because of her sister being different, and it will be much easier for her if she can turn round and say she has SN.

There are a few videos etc on how to explain AS to children and teenagers. Someone linked to on from musment once, though I can't remember the link. ALso there was an Arthur cartoon which explained aspergers quite nicely for younger children - we have that recorded as, though my dc don't have AS, they know various children and adults on the spectrum.

i just feel a bit odd saying dd2 has AS when we dont actually know yet.

I would be very honest and say she is being investigated and we don't know for sure yet, but it may be this or something similar.

Yes, some of the children we know might not know themselves so we have to be careful with that too.

we talk quite a lot about how different people/children find different things hard or easy. Some find it hard to stop talking, or to behave well at school, or get on in a group. (That's various children we know, some on the AS, others who are struggling in school behaviourally).
Others find it hard to spell or remember things (that's dd1 and DP) or stop crying (dd3) or be patient (dd2) etc. quite basic but a good start. especially if you match it up with things that people find easy too so it's not all negative. and that's quite easy with AS-type kids cos they are mostly very good at various things.

thank you