How do I cope with DS's moods?

[MummyDoIt]

He's 7 and has developed a Jekyll and Hyde personality. Sometimes he is the most caring, sensitive, loving child, mature beyond his years, very responsible and conscientious. Other times he's moody, grumpy and surly. Unfortunately, the other times are becoming increasingly common and I'm getting moods and bad temper over the slightest thing.

Today, for example, I've had sulks because he was asked to sit at the table for breakfast (this happens every day so hardly an unreasonable request), because I wouldn't allow him to go to his friend's house after school (hadn't cleared it with friend's mother), because we had to go and buy a loaf of bread on the way home, because he had a swimming lesson and just now because I told him not to kick his football against the window.

Sometimes jollying him along will snap him out of it but mostly he sulks until he makes himself so miserable that he cries or (increasingly more common, I have to admit) until I lose my temper with him. I know losing my temper isn't the answer but it's relentless and it's really getting me down. He gets me down every day and ruins every nice thing we do by finding something to sulk about.

He's not like this at school or when he's with other people. Quite the opposite, I've been told what a lovely child he is! That worries me as it must be my handling of him that is at fault.

I do worry that I have spoilt the DSs. When DH was ill, he sometimes needed rest and quiet so I got into the habit of taking the boys out at weekends. Since DH died, I find it very hard being in at weekends so we've continued going out a lot. They're accustomed to weekends away, trips to woods, playgrounds, zoos and so on pretty much every week. That's not as extravagent as it sounds as we stay with friends a lot and also have season tickets to a couple of local places so are able to go so often without it costing a fortune but I guess a treat is still a treat and I've given them too many.

I'd really appreciate some advice. Be honest but be gentle as I'm feeling pretty vulnerable at the moment as I know I'm handling him all wrong and making the situation worse.

i think it shows how much he loves you when you get told he is not like this with other people as deep down he knows that you are always going to be there for him, so in his eyes he can vent all his frustrations against you. he has obviously had a lot to deal with in his young life.

i don't think going out frequently is a bad thing, the most important thing is you are doing things as a family despite his sulks.

i know when i have had a bad day with DS that as long as when he goes to bed he gets told how much i love him then that day's slate is wiped clean. i a m sure half the time they forget what they have done.

hopefully when they are at school you have time to yourself to come to terms with what is obivously a life changing time for you also.

We do always end every day with stories, hugs and telling them I love them. Doesn't stop me feeling guilty about yelling at him earlier, though.

Part of the problem is I'm never sure how much to attribute to the fact that he lost his father so young and how much is just his personality. Being fatherless is bound to have an effect on a child but it can't be used to excuse bad behaviour. It's so bloody difficult and I feel like I'm drowning at the moment.

Bumping as could really use some good advice.

Hi there, it sounds as if you have had a really difficult time recently.

I do wonder from your post if he is getting enough time just to do his own thing. It was the comment about the swimming lesson which made me think it - next time, ask him if he wants to continue with them, and if he doesn't, just stop them. If he does want to go, then tell him not to grump about it - they are supposed to be fun. And as I read more, it seems as if you picked up this as a bit of a problem, when you mention the zoo etc. I wouldn't worry that taking kids to a zoo at the weekends is spoiling them, but I do really think children need a bit of time to do their own thing in their own time - and not do very much on some days.

So try not to let him grump about things which are fun - if he's not enjoying them maybe you need to do less/ask a friend's mum to look after him/take another friend along etc.

And as for the other stuff - it sounds so lovely what you do before bedtime, so keep that up.

Erm....I might be really off-beam here but I just discovered summat with my DS (aged9) and my DD (aged 7). I'll explain and you can tell me if it's relevant or not.

I banned TV.

Totally.

With spit flying out of my gob, I was so angry at the time.

So, ALL the channels are locked. DS Lite and PC are also banned.

The children have been lovely. Took about 24 hours and then they just 'clicked' with it and have been like different chidren since.

They LOVED the Disney channel plus a couple of others on SKY but if you actually study the 'childrens' programmes on these channels, it is wall to wall American brats, all snarling at each other and at every grown-up in them.

I think my children were copying the moodiness and put-downs. And I think the lack of Mum_respect was being copied too.

Whaddya think - does your DS watch much telly?

GrizzlyMum, you may have a valid point there. We do have activities on three nights a week. The swimming I insisted on as I firmly believe kids need to learn to swim and he does normally love it, the other two are activities he chose and he loves to do. However, thinking about it, that only leaves two evenings free for playing so maybe I need to relax about the swimming, take a break for a while. Or maybe I just need to get over my problems with weekends and spend some time letting the boys chill at home. The downside with that is that I get sad and upset and that makes me short-tempered but that's something I need to manage better. Definite food for thought there.

Doodlez, I'm giving a lot of thought to your suggestion too. He does watch more television that I'm happy with. DS2 can be a solitary little chap who likes to play by himself. DS1 needs someone to play with so, to avoid the 'DS2 won't play with me' strops, I give in and let DS1 watch television. Not wall-to-wall, constantly on but certainly more than I'm happy with. While I have no objection to Horrible Histories (I'll happily watch that with him), he loves Horrid Henry too and quite a few American programmes. I'll try a televison/PC ban and see if that helps.

Thank you both so much for replying. At least you've given me some positive action to try which makes me feel a lot better.