Be honest - Where have I gone wrong?

[tryingtobemarrypoppins2]

DS1 is 2:7months. Our DS2 is 16 weeks.

DS1 is soooooooooooooo anxious about everything. Doctor/dentist/nursery etc. Loads of emotional outbursts if we need to go. I have made this worse as I get anxious about him getting anxious!

Everything feels like a battle. We go to the park "its mine!" "go away." Hisses at people!

Tears about EVERYTHING.

"Mummy cuddles" when I'm breastfeeding, then sobs until I stop. Runs off when out and about when I'm feeding totally ignoring me.

He refuses to potty train. Asks for a nappy,cries and cries.

I find myself getting so cross with him. How on earth am I going to undo the stress we have had today over the potty training - wish I had never even started today.

I just want an easy going little boy!!!

Has he always been like this or is it just since the new baby was born?

they aren't called the terrible twos for nothing you know

He has always been anxious about everything, not very easy going. Worse since DS2 has been born.
DS2 is full of smiles, very very easy going, so its REALLY hard to not show favouritism at the moment. I seem to make every transition worse, I seem to create every problem at the moment. How on earth am I going to potty train him?

Sounds pretty normal to me! DS1's behaviour could be appalling around this age (and we had about the same age gap between him and DS2).

Things have got better over time and now at 3.4 his behaviour is generally much improved.

Btw I would forget potty training and try again in 6 months!

He is reacting to the baby. Try not to get cross, what he is doing it normal. Let him be a baby again if he wants.

It sounds tough, but maybe cut him some slack. He's still really little, and the new baby will have come as a massive shock.

In Siblings Without Rivalry they describe it thus:

Imagine your DH says to you "Darling, you're such a good wife and I love you so much that I'm going to get another one just like you" (or words to that effect).

Then imagine how you'd feel when the new wife moves in and gets more physical attention from your DH than you do.

Second the drop-the-potty-training advice too.

Lots of attention
lots of cuddles
lots of what a big boy he is
as much one on one attention as you can manage
lotsof how much newbaby loves him
and forget the potty training for the moment - he isnot ready and neither of you need the stress now

you haven't done anything wrong - it's just his personality.

I really thought by now we would be getting over DS2 - clearly not!
Would you really leave it months to try again with potty training? I feel under pressure to get it done

It takes the older child such a long time to get used to a sibling. 16 weeks is very little time so I would imagine ds1 is attention seeking and jealous of the baby. My dd1 still goes through fiercely jealous phases with ds2 who is 20 months...it goes in waves - we have weeks where I think it has all passed and then it comes back again (normally coincides with ds2 learning new skills and therefore getting lots of encouragement and attention which dd1 probably thinks is the attention she should be getting). Lots of positive attention for older sibling, totally over the top praise when they do good things etc etc.

With regards to potty training - just leave it and try later....if it's a jealousy thing or he is attention seeking, he will also use potty training to do this, ie wet / soil on purpose. I'd leave it a few months. I did my dd1 at 2 years and 9 months and she got it immediately.

It does get easier...good luck.

PS My two are exactly the same age gap as yours and I know what you're going through. x

Thank-you 13lucky really helpful advice xx

Totally agree with 13lucky. My dd is 13 months and ds (3.3) can still get jealous and as 13 says, definitely coincides with a new phase for dd.

And potty training - I would agree to leave it. We had to leave it for ds - whether he wouldn't do it first time round for attention or just wasn't ready, I don't know. But when he turned 3, we did train him and he was brilliant - no day accidents after 3 days (and I mean only a handful in 3 months) and dry at night after 3 weeks. Ignore any pressure to do it until you are both ready

Yep same as mumofoliver with regards to potty training - we didn't even bother until 2 years and 9 months and she hardly had any accidents and was dry at night almost from the day we started...ignore the pressure...I'm not even going to attempt it with my ds2 until 3 years (unless he really shows the signs) - it's hardly unlikely that your ds will still be in nappies at school age so who cares??

One other thing I forgot to add was that my dd1 is totally highly strung, highly sensitive and cries at the smallest thing. She was petrified of preschool (started at 2.6 years) and it has taken a long time but she is now perfectly happy to go. Your ds1 will be fine I'm sure. You have not 'gone wrong' as you put it - it is blo*dy hard having two littlies - I'm sure you are doing a great job. x

Thank-you again so much and thank-you mumofoliver. Its so hard I seem to have wonder mum friends who children seem so much better balanced than mine! Parenting is SO hard at times! Do you have 3 little ones 13lucky? I would love 3 but can't cope with all the emotional stress of 2!

We tried potty-training DS1 at 2.10 and it was an utter disaster. Tried again at 3.2 and he got it basically straight away! So those few months can make a huge difference. With DS2 I won't even think about training before he's 3!

No sorry, maybe I've got the MN terminology wrong...I only have 2 children - like you, I don't quite know how I'd cope with 3!!! (I have a daughter who is 3 years and 11 months, and a son who is 20 months (never sure whether my son should be written ds1 or ds2 as he is the second child IYSWIM!)). Yes, everyone else always seems like wonder mum to me too whose siblings never seem to compete but, to be honest, I'm sure a lot of it is for show - that's what I tell myself anyway!

Just to say don't be pressured into potty training too early just cos everyone else is doing it. After many failed attempts my dd got it at 3.5 years - I think she could've done it before but she didn't want to. She decided when she was ready (others at nursery commenting on her wearing a nappy played a part) and she got it straight away day and night.

My DS is 2.7 as well and although we have had a try at potty training he is no where near ready yet. Will try again next month!

Girls train earlier than boys from what I have read, my 2 girls were trained daytime at 3yrs so I still feel DS is quite young!

Re the behaviour, I have no idea Im afraid. My DS is quite laid back, but he is child number 3.... DD1 on the other hand is still severely high maintenance at almost 6yrs old!!!

Just wanted to add my experience. Had a similar age gap between DS1 and DS2 and DS1 became an absolute horror for months (think hitting, biting both us and DS2, tantrums etc).

Ds2 is now 19 months old and DS1 is rarely deliberately aggressive towards him now - he can get carried away and be over-boisterous which usually ends in tears but absolutely dotes on DS2 and is generally very kind to him.

DS1's general behaviour has improved immeasurably over the last few months (he will be 4 in a couple of weeks) and he is a pleasure to be with now so it just takes time.

I remember the early days of having them both and it was, in fact, hell!! I only survived because DS1 was still in nursery 4 days a week so me (and DS2) got a respite from his behaviour.

Also, re potty-training, absolutely leave it - you really don't need the stress right now and DS1 will be using it as another thing to get attention with. I am a firm believer in, when they are ready, they will do it without any problems. We left DS1 until he was 3.1 and I can probably count the accidents he had on one hand.

i am worrying about the same dilemma as my little boy will be 2.10 wen his little sister is born in october and i am so worried about how he will react - i mean, im trying to invlolve him in every way i can throughout the pregnancy but nothing can prepare them for going from having mummy all to themselves to having to suddenly share their mummy with this other baby thats suddenly appeared.

just remember its not u, its just their way of showing u they feel a little left out and need attention - wen i first wen bak to full time work, each day wen i got home i would be greeted with a huge smile but wen i went in for a hug he would run away and smack/kick the nearest wall as if he was letting me know he wasnt happy i had left and that made him upset. after coaxing him round for ten minutes and giving him cuddles and reassurance that mummy had missed him he soon came round, its just how they show their emotions.

he just wants mummys love, whch in a way is lovely, just try make time - even ten minutes a day at bedtime or whatever for just the 2 of u, maybe read a book or have a snuggle before bed where its just u and him, it may help him a little realse that mummy is still there for him.

it will all turn out fine im sure, good luck!

First of all, you haven't done anything wrong.

My DS ( now 6 ) has been anxious since birth. He had a difficult birth and I often wonder if this has any bearing. He got very insecure when DD was born ( he was 2.7 ), and she is the polar opposite like yours by the sound of it, laid back, calm, independent. She's nearly 4 now and I still get DS saying "Mummy cuddles" if he feels she's getting more attention.

He does, and always will I think, need more from me than her. It makes him harder work, but I love him with such a ferocity it scares me. As they get older, the neediness wanes a little and in a way becomes precious as you know your child will grow apart from you soon.

Regarding the potty training, they get it when they get it. DS got it straight away at 2.4, I was convinced DD would be earlier, but she didn't get it until she was 3, but when she got it, she got it. Not one accident. There is no hurry. Forget it for a few months and give your eldest lots of cuddles. Sounds like you are doing a great job. Nobody is a perfect mother or has perfect kids. Some people put on a great show.

FWIW I feel a certain pressure to start potty training DS1 (27mo) but I'm n ot sure he's ready. DS2 is 17wks and I dont feel like I want to pressurise DS1 into feeling like he has to "grow up" because there's a new baby around.

So, to appease those people who may wish to judge (basically MIL!) We have bought the potty's and a few potty training books and we are chatting about it lots etc etc, but no way are we training. I like to think it is pre-training! And would like to imagine that when we do train that DS1 will have some input into the decision about whether it is the right time (if I ask him now if he would like to do a wee wee in the potty he says no!)

Good luck!

Thank-you after a day of terrible 2's it was lovely to log on and find some nice words!
Going to play teddy on the potty lots but not going to push him anymore to use the potty. I have also decided only I will do bed times for a while and take the opportunity to take lots of time for cuddles. Fingers crossed this will help!