How do you actually teach respect?

[fartmeistergeneral]

My ds is 12 and has no respect for things or seemingly people.

If he gets something new (birthday/Christmas/pocket money or a gift) he leaves it lying around or loses it.

He has always treated his brother quite badly and does get punished for it, but in the back of my head I know that it's quite normal for siblings to behave like that.

He's a bit huffy with me and his dad but no major rudeness there, perhaps just a lack of respect in terms of strolling in a room and announcing 'I'm hungry' as if the world revolves around him etc. My answer is always the same, get something to eat then, and tell him what he can have (eg no choccie biccies etc!)

What's worrying me is how he treats his friends, he can be quite nasty to them and have had calls from their mothers telling me about it.

When this happens, we come down hard on him explaining why it's unacceptable to treat people this way, how it makes them feel etc. That sounds wishy washy, but my dh is extremely good at being scary but level headed if you know what I mean!

I feel that as parents we have tried to show by example. As a person I'm very empathetic and polite as is my dh.

So how do I actually teach him that his behaviour is unacceptable, before secondary school arrives and he gets steadily worse?

bump

TBH I think you're doing all the right things - modelling good manners, being respectful to each other etc etc

I have an 11yo DS and we have similar problems - we tend to go with natural consequences - if he breaks something deliberately he replaces it with pocket money, if he has spent wasted all his pocket money then he earns it back with chores.

We do try to treat him with respect by speaking to him in the manner your DH uses - not sure how much of it goes in at this age

I'd suggest that you increase his responsibilities and peg things like pocket money and other rewards to how well he responds. I'm sure he's already got regular chores to do around the house but, if not, now would be the time to step it up a gear.

12 is that in-between phase where you're not old enough to be up there with the adults and too old to expect mum and dad to run around after you all the time. Moving him from the kid camp to the young adult camp with rewards dependent on increased responsibilities may mean he learns to value/respect his property, you and possibly other people more than he does now.

NB... zero tolerance on being rude to his brother BTW. Can't operate double standards just because they are related.

I agree with 'Twopeople'. Knowing in your own mind what is acceptable and what isn't is the foundation that you have to build on.

Decide on where you draw the line and stick to it at all times! But more importantly talk to him about why and where these lines are being drawn - not after he has done something wrong but in a neutral time when both of you are calm.

Children learn how to respect others if they are shown respect themselves. Age 12 is a tough time as he will constantly be testing the boundries as the hormones kick in.

Try sitting down and talking to him - recognising that he is about to go to Secondary School so is no longer a 'little' boy that with this comes reponsibility.

Pick your fights, don't bombard him with a list of things he is getting wrong but focus on the broader issue of having good manners/respect in the future - you can use the school transition as a focal point, new friends/new teachers will take a new impression of him, pitch it to him that this is his chance to decide on the person he wants to be!

It is then your chance to show him respect and trust too by giving something in return - freedom of choice eg: whether he watches an hour of TV before or after he does his homework, whether he would like to rearrange his bedroom, go into town to meet up with friends at the weekend etc that way he begins to feel more in control of his life so he won't have to fight you over everything.

Best of luck