Help - verbally aggressive/rude 3 year old

[lallyp]

hello

My very articulate DS will be 3 at the end of the month and has just started a very challenging new phase of being verbally aggressive and rude to his father and i. Has anyone else had to deal with this kind of thing and if so do you have any tips for stopping it.

Examples:

• Sometimes when i tell him to do something he just yells "GO AWAY" or "I DON'T LIKE YOU ANY MORE" - "LEAVE ME ALONE"

to deal with bad behavior in the past i have used taking away one of his beloved cars after a warning and this has worked really well. Also when we are out i have used the warning 1 "we don't X (eg throw stones/sand)" and then "if you do X again I will put you in the car and take you home" then its hometime on the third strike.
Does this work with rudeness? I am really worried about reinforcing the behavior by drawing too much attention to it but it is not getting better...

This morning when my husband was home and he yelled "go away" I left the house and he got really upset and when he said sorry (i heard my husband and him talking from outside the window) i came back. But then later when i asked him not to leave the boundary of the play area we were in he yelled at me to "go away" again....

Any suggestions?
(other info - I'm a stay-at-home-mum and i am expecting DD1 in 3 months)

Hello. I would probably try to deal with it on two fronts.

I would make it quite clear that we don't talk to each other like that, so I would use the same kind of sanctions that you use for bad behaviour. I tell DD something like, "I don't talk to you like that, I don't expect you to talk to me like that", and then if it keeps on then I put her in her room for a bit to calm down etc. then make-up with a hug. He needs to understand that there are repercussions to that kind of behaviour.

He also sounds a bit unsettled, maybe by the arrival of your DD? So I'd work on that, and how much you need his help with the new baby, involving him in the preparations etc. See if there are things which are genuinely upsetting him.

I probably wouldn't do the leaving the house bit because that will make him feel that he has the power really to make you go away, which would be confusing and overwhelming for him, so lead to more bad behaviour in the long-run.

Just as a side question, how does your DH deal with it, and how do you and your DH talk to each other? (I just mention this as my DD is really quick to copy and get unsettled when I am arguing with my DH).

HTH.

I'd agree with the above. You have to knock it on the head quickly with some instant punishments rather than letting it run. I'd also ask 'who says that?' because children often pick up phrases from other kids or adults (or parents) and think it would be fun to try them out... until they're stopped.

Our DD doesn't tell us to go away as such, but she often shouts at us or demands things in a rude way. When she does, we ignore her until she says sorry and speaks nicely. Not quite the same, but maybe a strategy of no reponse to the negative might be useful?

My son has been through this and it was about the same time, just before DS2 was born. There is 2.10 yrs between them.
Same things, shouting go away, hitting etc. I think it is partly 3yr old hormones but also to do with the baby coming. My DS2 arrived very quickly on his due date and my DS1 had to adjust very quickly to sharing me and he has found it extremely hard.
His behaviour has got worse since the baby and his attitude towards the baby has been bad - very jealous etc. However, it is starting to improve now (he's 3.4yrs now). He is starting to accept his brother and he is starting to be able to share me.
I think it will probably pass for your son but it sounds like exactly what you're doing is great. We have been trying removing him from the room calmly and saying if he's not being kind he can't stay in the room with us and that seems to have worked well. He just screams blue murder when we take his pride and joy - cars - away!
Is your son at nursery? If so, that might also be a factor. Mine had free place at nursery (easter intake), new brother, and being 3 to contend with all at once, it is hard for them.
I hope your son adjusts well to having a sister and good luck with everything

thanks so much for the replies.

In answer to the questions:
DH & I had a long chat last night and agreed that the 'leaving the house' routine was a schoolgirl error and not to be repeated! DH & I never really argue or get too agro in front of DS but if I am honest I can get pretty short with DS when i am at the end of my tether. But i very rarely shout, its more like a bark...memo to self "stay calm and don't lose your rag!"

DS is not in Daycare of any kind and doesn't seem to be particularly unsettled but then the whole new baby discussions must be very confusing for him...thankfully 2 of his male friends have new baby sisters so he can at least relate to that. He does ask loads of questions about babies especially if they are naughty and 'can babies do this' 'can babies do that' type questions so he is clearly processing the concept.

On a good note we were at the playground yesterday and a friend of DS whom we hadn't seen in a while (who is 4) was telling his dad to 'go away' in a very similar manner and the dad said "say that again and we are going home" and he said it again and they went home. DS has spent the whole day saying "Please tell me the story of X being rude to his dada" - so something is sinking in!

I am going to search for 'introducing new baby' topics now!

thanks again
lally