angry 6 yr old ds

[Lukilu]

I'm at my wits end because my 6 yr old ds keeps being violent towards me. He tried to kick me in the head when i was driving on two occasions recently because he was angry with me and this morning he kicked me in the mouth because he was frustrated that his shoes weren't done up tight enough. I don't know what i'm doing so badly wrong. I'm doing a chart where he earns a coin a day for getting dressed and ready for school without a row, and it's taken away for any violence or back chatting. He's lost all of it now for this week but it doesn't stop him. We cancel outings for bad behaviour, ban tv watching, take away nintendo for a couple of days etc etc but nothing seems to get through to him. He's a very bright child so why doesn't he get it? I am at a loss to know what to do and am so unhappy

Hi there

I really feel for you. I don't know what to suggest for the best.

Is he getting on ok at school?

Has anything changed at home or at school that's prompted this or has it been going on for some time?

Have you talked to his teacher about it?

Obviously he has to learn that it's not ok to treat you like this so you can't ignore it.

The only thing I've read about this sort of cycle of bad behaviour is that you've got to try to concentrate on praising the good behaviour and encourage him to be good all the time. It's like this week, he's lost all of his privileges, so there's no incentive for him to be good - unless he can earn them back by being good?

If it's really tough, you could try a little reward every 10 minutes for good behaviour?

just a few thoughts - hope they help.

And you know you're not alone - loads of boys and girls go through this.

Tamsin

I'm sorry you're going through this.

It sounds like you've tried a lot of negative discipline strategies.

Have you tried any positive discipline techniques?

does that sound like negative discipline strategies? I guess you're right. I was thinking the pocket money for getting ready for school was positive but I can see that the 'without back chatting' and the 'no hitting or kicking' is perhaps a bit negative....but i struggle to see how i can put a positive spin on 'darling you did really well today not kicking mummy in the face'. But yes, I could change some of the family rules to be more positive.
Tamsin he seems fine at school and i don't really want to talk to them about it. He mainly saves it for me. Yes he's lost all of his privileges this week. He knows that kicking or hitting will not be accepted and I can't NOT take the money away, he needs to know we're serious about the no hitting rule.

I like the idea of a (brief) rewards system for positive behaviour - so I would carry on with the coin thing, but without taking anything away for negative behaviour. He did earn the coins by being cooperative, so it seems a bit unjust to take them away, IYSWIM. That would make me angry too.

Absolutely, hitting and kicking must not be tolerated however. In that case I would say no very calmly and very firmly.

Make the positive opposite something he can achieve, like getting dressed. 'Getting dressed without shouting or hurting mummy' could get a bonus coin - a penny, whatever. You want to break this habit and create healthy ones.

So...modelling appropriate behaviour, ignoring minor bad behaviour, giving attention and appreciation for positive behaviour and cooperation, using if...then strategies, etc.

Also do communicate and try to find out what may be setting him off, and troubleshoot/brainstorm ideas to help that.

Sorry if sounds brief/curt - is a flying response!

Thanks i will take on board the advice from both of you. It does seem like i'm always bossing him about, shouting at him, struggling to control him. I know i'm short tempered with him but I feel overwhelmed because he won't do anything I ask him. I get frustrated with him, he lashes out at me, it's a vicious circle and i need to find a more positive way to cope. It seems like we're all miserable at the moment and I feel terrible because i want him to be happy.

Try taking a time out completely to start again. do an activity (make a cake of a card or something) and do loads and loads of praise while you do it. It's not about the product, it's about the process. Then you can keep talking to him about examples of good behaviour?