awful rows with ds (12), any advice welcome, I'm really worn down

[ssd]

ds is 12, we have another ds who is 9.

the eldest ds is really pushing his luck at home just now, won't pick up after himself, constantly pushes the boundaries, answers back in front of people, can be really cheeky is things don't go exactly his way. its driving me mad.

any advice welcome from parents of this age group

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is there no one with older kids out there or are you all at work?

I have an 11 yr old dd apparently I am a dragon. I've found that if I give her any leeway (sp?) then she takes full advantage, so I am now very very strict with her on practical stuff. So I operate a zero tolerance policy, using removal of mobile, pocket money, etc as threats.

I know it sounds terrible, but it's worked a treat although I feel like a total old bag when I'm being strict with her it does mean that the rest of the time we rub along really well.

hi sounds like my 12yr old,when he is being a pain,i ground him,ban sweets (he hates this one),ban consoles,and i take time off his bedtime!!!!i also have an ds11 she gets same punishments.i also send my ds upstairs to cool off if he is kicking off if things havent gone his way!!!good luck

thanks for answering.

he seems to have a knack of turning round any arguements to make them my/our fault, he never accepts he's to blame for anything.

its just so bloody difficult

welcome to the nearly teen world I don't suppose it will cheer you up to tell you that this is only the start?!!?

I have four teenagers (yes why didn't anyone sit down and point this out to me when I was happily having babies...) and two have been relatively easy, one has some mental health problems (bulimic) and one has been , frankly, DREADFUL.
However I am still mostly sane and sometimes even smiling...

12 yr olds on the edge of adolescence (or even well into puberty depending on their own time line) can be pretty bloody horrible. The next few years can be a rough ride.. but they DO start to improve. My DS1..now 17, put us thro HELL between 12 and 15 and really only started to improve the last year. Along the way, and with a behavioural management course I did learn a few things..

1. pick your battles now. There are going to be lots, and if you make EVERY irritating thing a battle, you will have less power when it really matters. Eg.. he won't pick up after himself? Then he doesn't get clean clothes, until he puts his for a wash.. and HE deals with the telling off when he has no PE kit at school. he doesn't put his dished in the dishwasher.. then he doesn't get tea next time he has to make his own. Obvious consequences for actions. Trust me after a few times he'll realise!

2. Ignore the small stuff.. teen boys are disgusting, untidy, unhygenic and annoying. It will pass!

3)Don't argue back.. they can keep it up forever! I have learned to repeat what I need to say once, then walk away. Literally walk away.

4. on the odd occasion that he is nice.. praise him! Try and retain a sense of humour and remind yourself he IS still the nice kid he used to be, it's just hiding behind hormones

5. I find copious amounts of wine helpful.......

I found it really hard going and when my son was at his worst I just couldn't understand why he was so awful when his sisters and brother weren't... but we have persevered and while he still isn't perfect, he is gradually maturing and I see see a light at the end of the tunnel... so hang in there

thank you!

I'll try harder, although its so much easier said than done isn't it

I just seem to explode when he gets too much, I need to learn to control my anger. as per there is so much more making me angry other than my ds, but the poor soul just seems to wind me up and get the brunt of my anger/resentment/frustration at life