In approximately 7 minutes I am escorting dd1 out of the house naked...

[ShinyAndNew]

She does not want to go to school again. She is claiming tummy bug. She is sat naked and crying. I am sick of arguing with her. I am ignoring her. She has been told we will be leaving the house on time, regardless of her state of dress.

Her knickers are wrong again apparently. She knows where her clean underwear is kept. She can go and get more if she wishes. She had a pair on from the same pack yesterday. They were not a problem yesterday.

I am fed up of this.

Oh dear sounds a terrible struggle.
Maybe having the clothes laid out the night before will stop some of the trouble.

Why does she not want to go to school? What's troubling her?

The clothes are laid out the night before. She never has any interest in choosing them with me. She does have the option to.

Too much of my life is spent arguing with a 6 and half year old

She is phoning the people from Childline she says.

She was eventually taken out with her knickers and socks on. She put her dress on PDQ. She decided to walk to school with no shoes on. I am past caring. If she wants to sit at school with with damp, dirty socks on, that is entirely up to her.

I don't know why she doesn't like school. No one does. She has her own helper at school, who she has meetings with regularly to discuss any problems she is having. She never has any problems. This lady has a reward chart for her. If dd1 gets to to school on time and not crying she gets a sticker. Once she has collected enough stickers she gets a prize.

She has friends at school. She is more then capable of completing the work she is given at school. She is the best reader in her class and slightly above average at maths. So she is not struggling.

We have seen CAHMS. They are happy with her metal well being. I haven't got a clue what is going with her.

Sounds very very stressful.

Is it possible she's bored with it?! Does she say I'd rather be doing 'X' ? I know it sounds odd, but have you let her stay home? Can you? and then let her plan out a day? See what she chooses? Or make a deal that on Saturday she can?

Sounds like you've done a lot right already to be honest. I don't know what else to suggest...

I guess all I can really offer is sympathy and the added hope that tomorrow is easier.

hugs

This sounds very difficult for you. I don't know what I'd do in your shoes to be honest. I did read in one of Alfie Kohn's books that he struggled with his daughter getting dressed in the morning so they sat down to discuss what she thought would help. She said that if she got dressed the night before and slept in her clothes, that would be a much better idea!! So that's what they did.

Shiny - is she able to say why she doesn't want to go to school? I appreciate how frustrating it is and that you want to murder her, but she is obviously unhappy about something? What dooes she say when you ask her?

I've heard that before, about letting them sleep in their clothes. But surely she would wrinkled and smelly??

Plus it's not really about her not wanting to get dressed. She is up at the crack of dawn and already dressed, having gotten herself and her sister breakfast if she knows it's the weekend. It's school that is the problem. Or just having to do as she is told.

Any time she is told to do something she does the opposite.

I have asked why she doesn't like school and she says it's just because she wants to stay home with me and dd2 and watch telly/play on her Nintendo DS. On an evening and weekend she never bothers with the DS because she is playing out. On school mornings it is unfair that she never has time to play it because she has to go to school.

The one weekend her friend was away and she had no one to play out with, she was bored silly. She still did not play with the NDS.

So is it that she wants to stay home with you and her sister? Ahh. My dd would have been the same, luckily she was the younger. Even now, at 11, she can't bear going to school if her db is off ill. They think they are missing out.

Can you stress how terribly boring it is at home? How you are just going to the supermarket/whatever she hates, and that it will be great after school because you are going to do x? I used to get mine to school with the promise of a bar of choc when I collected her, she always needed something to look forward to.

I do tell her we don't anything. Dd1 insists that we do do things. Dd2 can watch telly all day if she wants to and play with her toys. She never has time to play with her toys apparently because of school.

Dd2 will be starting Nursery in Sept, I keep telling that to dd1. Apparently even Nursery is better than school. They have a slide in the Nursery.

I try to point out all the things she can do that dd2 cannot do, like play out alone, when I am busy or go to the corner shop with her friend.

They go to the shop on the way home for ice cream. We can go to the park after school, most days. She can stay home all day after school and play/watch TV if she wants to.

Perhaps I should arrange a day where it is just me and dd1?

Part of me thinks she just loves to wind me up and she knows how to do it effectively.

Good plan. She clearly feels she is missing out! Do you also have lots of chats about how marvellous it is that she is the oldest so you can really talk to her etc etc? She needs to feel her place is special rather than that she has been superseded.

The other approach that can help is to really sympathise. Tell her how lovely it would be if she could stay home, how much you miss her and all that, but the govt insists on school (I blame the govt for everything), and that we all have to put up with things we don't like. I know it's hard, but when she starts all the crying and moaning, sit down and cuddle her (not kill her) and do all the sympathy and understanding bit and plan things together for the weekend (when the govt lets her stay home). Do not get into arguments, it makes it all worse.

Honestly, she doesn't want to wind you up, she is just six and doesn't know how to articulate her feelings in an adult manner.

My son is exactly the same and has been for a whole year - same reactions, comments, same refusal to get dressed.

Full-scale ignoring works best, tell her you'll be leaving the house in five minutes and take her out of the door in whatever state she's in "oh, you're coming to school in your underpants again are you? I wonder what the teacher will say" but it's just not possible day after day. I refused to take DS to the school party because of similar behaviour the other day. It seemed to have an effect because the next day he was a little angel...

Yes, when I am calm I know that. But it doesn't feel like that when she is sat refusing to put on her school dress.

I will try to remain calmer in the morning. Fridays are the worst because she knows that I work, so dd2 goes to her Grans house where she can play in the garden. dd1 goes there on Tuesdays after school, so she has her turn too.

I will arrange an activity for Saturday afternoon, just for me and dd1. I might take her ice skating again. She has been wanting to do that for a while.

Good for you. I used to arrange things quite far in advance so I could really get my money's worth of her looking forward to them...