quick question re 'making clingy'

[DeFluffy]

I have 2 dds, 1 is 5, 1 is 5 months. With my first dd I had bad pnd and my m&d had her one day a week every week to give me a break. They have a very close relationship with her and she loves them dearly. The one day a week continued till she started school and even now they see her on average at least once every two weeks.

When I went back to work when she was 7 months this saved me from paying an extra day in nursery and meant dd could be looked after by family rather than nursery so was really helpful. However, it did come with its own problems in terms of gratitude and boundaries over who her parent was.

Anyway, my m&d offered to have my 2nd dd for a day 2 months back and i said yes. They did the same the week after. The week after that I said no because I felt it was getting into a routine of every week and I don't want that, I don't like being away from her for 5 hour stretches, shes only 5 months old and this time although i have had pnd it is mild. This time I also do not need to go back to work till dd is about 13 months also.

My mum and my gran are now saying that if I keep keeping dd with me all the time and not liking her being held by strangers at parties then I'm going to make her really clingy and I'm making a rod for my own back.

I'm pretty sure this is utter rubbish but feel the need to check it out with other mums on here for some reason, is my behaviour going to make dd clingy?

God that wasn't 'quick' at all! Sorry

I wouldn't worry as you can be there through the separation anxiety stage and start getting DD2 used to other people when she is through that and she will be fine by the time you go back to work when she is 13 months old.

IMO your mum and gran are just feeling a bit wistful and want to start their relationship with your DD2 asap - sorry but they'll have to wait! You can reassure them that her relationship with them is important to you and you will give them the opportunity to establish it, just not yet!

Congratulations and enjoy your beautiful DDs.

My mum came in the other day and saw dd (they do see her and cuddle/feed her etc, probably at least every two weeks,more often every week) and when dd saw her she screamed. Mum said straight away 'thats because she doesn't remember me, she doesn't know who i am!' shes made lots of comments since about how she offers to have dd all the time but as i keep saying no she's just going to stop offering (with lots of hurt sniffs).

They also don't like the fact that she sleeps on me during the day, so she often has her naps on me, I just sit and watch tv/read a book, it doesn't bother me but they keep saying she needs to get used to being put down. Thing is at night she sleeps straight through in her moses bsket next to our bed, no problems at all.

Usually I'm very self confident but this constant niggling from parents and gran has unsettled me a bit

Thank you for your responses btw. When does the separation anxiety bit start in earnest?

My son is just over 2 now and has always been at home with me. He does go to my parents now and then if we have a night out, or if I want to go shopping or something but no regular arrangement. He has gone through clingy phases (at about 12mnths and 18mnths I think) but only the same as his friends, some of who go to nursery 5 days a week! He's very confident, happy to run off and play at playgroup and the park etc.

Do whatever feels right for you-if your relaxed and happy with the way things are there's no need to change it

xx

I think separation anxiety can be between about 8 and 10 months - not entirely sure. DD (8.5m) definitely has it and it's been a few weeks now.

I think that the cuddles you are having with DD2 could be part of the reason why your PND is less severe this time round. Maybe you could make this argument to your mum and gran, "doctor's orders" sort of thing, to get them off your back?

Yes, they just want to be involved - but they're completely wrong about 'making' her clingy and completely wrong about her 'needing' to get used to being put down. Do what works for you and DD and ignore the childcare advice of previous generations!

Brennan - good idea re the pnd. I think this time around I'm much more confident and laid back than I was last time. Well, I was until my parents started on.

First time round I spent lots of time at baby groups etc, frantically rushing around and I wasn't really happy. This time apart from seeing friends I've done pretty much nothing! Just enjoyed snuggling together and cuddling and I feel far more relaxed.

I too don't think they're being mean or trying to upset me, I think they want more of dd but are perhaps going about it in the wrong way. I just definitely wanted to check I'm not harming dd by not passing her around like a parcel.

While I'm checking out all my neuroses I'm assuming that staying at home with me is ok for dd? I'm not going to any classes or anything this time, I assume thats fine for dd at this age? She only needs me for stimulation? We sing a bit and play with toys (I waggle them in front of her!) and play row row the boat a bit, but mainly she watches me doing a few things and we cuddle. I'm assuming I'm not stunting her development at all?

God, I'm getting more and more stressed thinking about it, until my parents started saying I was making her clingy I thought I was doing fine

I think it is fine that you stay at home if you are happy. With both my DC I was really happy just cuddling them all day for the first few months, I still would now except that DD is obviously keen to be up and about any minute! Obviously you need some fresh air and sunshine for Vit D, but otherwise it is nice having that bonding time.