Tips on dealing with DS who has started hitting me and being defiant?

[SolidGoldBrass]

He's 5.6 and I have a feeling that this is a particular phase. Mercifully he's showing no inclination to hit other DC, just me when I tell him he can't have/can't do something he wants. I've done the speaking to him firmly about it, and if it's feasible at the time he loses TV/computer use for the night, but that's not alwas an available sanction. I'd rather not use a smack as a punishment for physical aggression as I think that's thoroughly illogical - any other tips?

Is he too old for time out? Removal to his room or somewhere which is totally uninteresting?

Does reasoning not work - ie getting him to really understand his hitting you makes it less likely he'll get what he wants, not more.

Or totally ignoring - to the extent of turning your back/leaving the room.

(Might be way off the mark, sorry if so, my oldest is just over 3 so haven't had the experience of a 5 yo! But my general rule of thumb is if a child plays up either for attention or a want, and bad behaviour doesn't get the desired results they'll eventually give it up [hopeful])

Good luck.

Reasoning will hopefully start to work as sometimes when he's calmed down he will listen to reason. We had a long talk about it last night and he seemed to understand that hitting isn't nice and doesn't get him his own way.
Up until now he's always been the sweetest-natured child, I suppose they all have to have one phase at least of unreasonable stroppiness...

Mind you, what I really need to think of is strategies for averting a meltdown when we are out and about (if it's an event he is enjoying I know the threat of being taken home works, if what he wants is to go home and it's not practical to do so, it can get tricky...)

SGB - there is a surge of testosterone at age 4 so he is a little late for that.

However, I found this snippet on the internet which I fully agree with. I only know a little about your personal circumstances from your posts so hope you will not be offended.

"For lone parents, it is important to ensure that the boys have good role models of both genders. So for mothers caring for boys on their own, then it is important to establish early on that there will be, if at all possible, a trusted male relative or close friend or will take a special interest in nurturing your son, providing a frequent, accessible and appropriate role model and vice versa for single fathers caring for sons on their own. For mothers caring for boys on their own, a nursery with male staff would be something to look out for, but as yet perhaps like looking for a needle in a haystack."

Our DSs did have a short phase of this but I dealt with it by stepping in and telling them that it was completley unacceptable to hit Mummy - because Daddy doesn't and neither should they. Boys want to be like men so shaming them rather than reasoning with them or punishing them seemed to work. DW also made it clear she would not stand for it either.

We have a friend with two boys and she has the same problem.

i reckon that regardless of whether or not it seems to initially work, being very consistent with your punishment and not backing down will eventually do the trick. perhaps a pre-warning of consequences of good v bad behaviour before going out might help.

he's obviously going through a phase of testing boundaries etc.

Have you tried the 'ignoring the bad behaviour/rewarding the positive' only approach? Hard to do when they're hitting you (especially after a long day) but it's often their frustration (badly expressed) and seeking attention.
Also, if you reiterate his probable feelings (a bit of American-style crap like "I know it's frustrating for you when lalala, and you must be feeling really angry right now lalalal"), it helps him express himself more easily and shows you understand, rather than are just punishing him for the sake of it (which is possibly what he thinks).
If you're going out, try and predict what kind of situation might potentially upset him and pre-empt it by talking it through with him first.

But for me, the reiterating his probable feelings has been the most successful strategy. Good luck and let us know how you get on.

Beenbeta: Thanks and I take your point, but DS dad is very much in his life, seeing him 2-3 times a week, so whatever is causing it, it isn't lack of a male role model (DS dad perfectly nice bloke, non-violent, good dad etc).

Bubba: I'll try the 'expressing feelings' thing as I think that's got a bit to do with it, it's often mixed in with him wanting impossible things and being very contrary ie 'I want a biscuit, no I want THAT one, no the OTHER one (and when biscuit has been eaten) I DIDN'T want it!'

I think you're right to avoid any physical response as it gives a very strange message. It's good, if you can, to take a deep breath, talk very quietly and calmly, take one of his hands and say 'gently - hands are not for hitting', or whatever works for you. A warning is good before a sanction so you then say 'if you do that again XYZ will happen'. Personally, I've never liked the turning your back/ignoring - I've found it enrages them further. Being ultra-calm (hard, I know!) and trying to defuse things works best for me.

my 2.5 year old attacks me any chance he gets, pinching hitting biting pulling hair etc...nobody else just me.
its just a phase.

I tried this when DS was 3 and my exh had just left. He was hitting me, biting me, all sorts, probably very understandable in the circumstances, but I did this:

I told him that every time he hit/bit/kicked me he would lose the toy he was playing with at the time (i.e. his favourite toy). Not just lose it for a bit either, he would lose it forever.

It took a week, and it was harder on me really because some of the things were new. But the day he hesitated before he hit me was the day I knew I'd got through.

Harsh I know, but it worked for me where nothing else had.