5 year old won't be left

[jemarmalade]

Hello - My five year old son will not let me leave him anywhere (apart from School). If he is invited to a birthday party I have to stay. I took him to a football party last week and although a few other mums stayed in the club room, I was the only one who had to stand outside at the side of the pitch and run up and down to be near him. I have tried all the usual tricks of reassuring that i will always come back etc but to no avail. I have thought about just leaving him, but am afraid of all the fuss he would make causing extra hassle for the mum having the birthday party, and also I do not want him to be traumatised and never want to go anywhere again. The latest is that he has been invited for tea and play after school at his friends house, but says he won't go unless i go too, which is i am sure not what the other mum has in mind. If i just tell him that i won't be there to pick him up, i think he won't go with her, putting her in a bad position. I don't want to push him or traumatise him if he is not ready, but most other kids in his class seem ok to be left. Any advice aprreciated

It's so hard when they're like that.
How did he react when you first left him at school?
My DS is 4 and is exactly the same in certain situations....at parties I am often the only Mum still there. He has got a lot better recently, so there's light at the end of the tunnel for you
When we go to parties I stay but explain beforehand that Mummy will be there but I will not be by his side all the time. I'll try to sink into the background. Last party he went to I said I was going to the loo, but eeked the trip out to about 10 minutes (by looking at a boring notice board outside the hall!). When I returned he didn't even realise I'd gone!!
I would suggest that the idea of his friends mum picking him up is an excellent idea-children are so different when their parents aren't there. I would warn his mum that your son has issues with being left, and she can reassure him that you'll be there soon. Perhaps arrange a short playtime first, but exchange numbers so if he's enjoying it he can stay longer.
My sons biggest leap was when a friends mum (who new he had issues about bing left) suggested (for the hundreth time!)that he come to play with her son-he said yes!!
I've done exactly what you're doing, trying not to pressurise, going with the flow. Just be patient....hopefully he'll suprise you.

Thanks for reply emdanmum. He did not like being left at pre-school or school one bit and it took ages to leave him there without tears. I think this may all be because he was only looked after by me or his grandma as a baby/toddler so has never got used to being alone with others he does not know so well. I wonder whether i have molly coddled him, and should be pushing him to 'be brave' i don't want him to be a mummys boy, but i am quite strict with most things, just can't bear it when his little lip trembles. Thanks again.

I know it's hard. My DS's swimming teacher hit the nail on the head for me-mums and their sons have a special relationship. That's not to say that we molly coddle them, but they know how to pull our strings. She pointed out that I behaved differently with my son than with my daughter (because my DD never presented any of this behaviour, and if she had I'd have said don't be silly). We had the pre-school-style tears/screaming at swimming for weeks, but once he realised that each week he screamed and I still passed him over to his teacher (I had to peel him off me), he now goes in happily. I think reasonable goals, clear expectations and patience are key to success. I'm sure there will be tears but this is to see how you react. If the tears come, but the same things are still expected of him, he'll soon realise that this clingy behaviour achieves nothing and see that he's been missing out on a whole range of things.

Have you tried talking to him beforehand? Ds was a bit like that and I only really started leaving him when he got 5.5 and older. I would spend time before the day going through what would happen and discuss the fact that I would drop him off and leave. Took a while but now I only stay if I want to.

Jem, I feel for you. My son has just turned eight. He was as you describe at five, and he didn't go to anyone's house to play without me until he was seven. He still doesn't like doing it now, but can just about be persuaded. He changed schools in September; just before that, he'd gone to a party where he hadn't insisted on me staying. Since moving, though, he wants me to stay again (though he normally chooses not to go to parties at all). Like your son, he hated being left at school, and spent the first two weeks of school sobbing on his teacher's lap.

I'm not so sure about it being a mums and sons thing. I think it's more a personality-plus-experiences thing. Both my children were at home with me full time before school; little DD couldn't wait to get there, and at four was saying: "You're not going to stay, are you?" as she trundled off to people's houses/parties. Even now, she can't get rid of me fast enough (she's six). But she has a bouncy, outgoing, happy personality; DS is much more anguished generally. He was particularly clingy with my DH; so much so that I had to take him to school when he started, as he was less fussed about me leaving him.

I'd say you shouldn't push it. When he's ready, he'll let you go. It will be slow and gradual, though. The chances are, he won't want you to stay at his friends' houses when he's 15 - so it will happen at some point!

It sounds to me as if you're doing exactly the right thing in going with the flow. He'll let you know when he's ready.

Yes,this all rings true.I do deal with my DD who is only 2 in a more matter of fact way and she is more independant (for now). I did wonder about meeting him from school and walking back to his friend's house with them and walk around for a while in the nearby park so he knows I am nearby if needed. PS - we have not even started swimming lessons yet because of this issue, but funnily enough i don't think i will feel so bad about swimming lessons as it is something he 'has' to do, like school, so I don't feel so guilty. Thanks again , I know its a cliche but it's just a comfort to know others have same issues

Is he in Reception? Some kids are happy to be left at that age and some are not - I'm sure your DS isn't the only one. It will probably tail off over the next year or so. I'd just explain the situation to the friend's mum , and see what she says.

I agree with DianeAdores, although I tend to stay at parties anyway to make sure they behave .

Agree 100% with you about hearing other people are having/have had the same issues-it's reassuring to know you're normal!
I've been having probs with DD and have stopped keeping these things to myself......feels a whole lot better just to share, but even better to hear others horror stories
You're right-there are things in life that need to be done. Maybe you could adopt that attitude to other situations, so you feel more confident about what you want him to do.
Do you think he may cope better if he knows what you're going to be doing when he's not with you? Sometimes when my DS gets a bit wobbley I say Mummy's going to leave you at friends house, go and get some food shopping and some petrol, then I'll come back for you. Maybe it gives him a time scale he can relate to, I don't know, but it seems to work in certain situations.

I don't think it's a son thing, if anything I suspect it's more an elder child thing. Or just a personality thing. This is how my dd1 is (she will be 5 in Sept). It has always taken her a long time to settle in childcare/preschools. We have moved quite a lot so she has been to several, which probably doesn't help. She has never been left in any sort of kids clubs on holiday. I wouldn't even try and leave her at a party on her own, she would be very upset! She has always been very clingy to me.

Her younger sister (2) is very different. Very sociable, very outgoing. Will go off on her own at party's or people's houses. She'll probably be shoo-ing me out the door when she gets to the age to be left at friend's houses on her own!

Dianadores, my DD and DS sound similar to yours. DD is bouncy and seems to find something to enjoy in everything, whilst DS is more anguished, as you say - in fact that is the best word i have heard to describe him as he is a real worrier about everything from whether Goblins are real , to whether his trousers are a bit too long and might get dirty on the floor , it's a constant quest to keep him happy and secure.

My DD is 7 and won't be left at parties. She will only go to certain friends houses for tea where she knows the mothers quite well. I have started to arrange for some of the mums she will stay with to take her to parties and it has worked. When she was younger she used to want me to be no more than 2cm away from her at parties, but she has now realised she has more fun joining in than sitting on my knee at the side of the room. I still go to certain parties with her as she will cry easily and I feel its a bit unfair on the mum running the party to have to deal with that.

I would suggest try the approach of getting together with another couple of mums and children from school and then see if he is comfortable enough to go to a party with one of them.

jemarmalade - your ds sounds very like my dd1. She is also very "anguished" and is aways worrying about things like me leaving her little sister behind or one of us getting stuck in a lift door. She also hates getting dirty, dislikes sand and the sea (bit of a problem as we live in the Caribbean), won't sleep in a room on her own at night and is indeed an all-round worrier.