dd keeps telling people she's not their friend

[littlebylittle]

dd is four. When things not going her way in play she tells people she's not their friend and doesn't want to play. I was asked to collect her early from play session with friend last week. Before then I had put it down to fairly normal four year old behaviour. But if warrants collection after half an hour of play maybe it's not. What can I/should I do?

nothing....the other parent has the problem,your dd is normal.

The most normal thing in the world.. my DD is four and she and her little friends are in the throes of it at the moment.. In fact, when I saw the title I clicked on it in a ¨bet you she's 4¨bet with myself!

The mother of that other child sounds like she needs to get a bit of perspective!

sound very normal to me. But I don't see that the other mother has a problem, if a 4yo came to play and said she didn't want to play and my child wasn't her friend, I might phone her parent and send her home. Why keep a child who says they don't want to be there?

also it means they get to think a bit about the implications of saying someone isn't their friend, even at 4 they can work this out.

Oh god this is completely normal for that age.

My 3.9 year old's favourite phrase at the moment when something isn't going her way is "you're not my best friend any more and you're not coming to my birthday party".

The other parent is a touch sensitive IMO. I find the best thing to do is ignore the phrase.

perfectly normal.

And tbh not sure the other mum is in the wrong either - if your dd doesn't want to play then perhaps she will learn by being sent home that if you're not nice to your friends (and they are her friends, no matter what she told them five mins ago ) then the consequence of that is that you don't get to stay there to continue not being nice to them.

Common but I don't think the other mum is out of order either. They pick it up from each other and I have made it clear to dd that this is not an acceptable thing to say to a friend - and neither does she just ahve to keep putting up with girls who repeated blwo hot and cold like this.

If I hear dd saying anything like this I have words immediately. I know one or two other mums do too and I wish more would. They need guidance on behaviour - they're not born with a rule book. I relaly don't think the best thing is to ignore it - I don't think it's ever a good thing to ignore rude behaviour in a school age child.

I agree, it's very normal for this age group and they do pick it up from each other.

As for the other mum, I think it's your perogative as a host to deal with it as you see fit.

My son does this and if he's the guilty party, i get him to go back and apologise, and shake hands with the other child. If they are equally to blame, I normally try to get them to apologise to eachother. Sometimes they need some cooling off time, but I never forget the apology. It's teaching them how to cope with their feelings.

Having said that, I was going to post today about my son being aggressive with this - but I'll post that separately!

Tam

I absolutely agree that it needs dealing with, not nice for the other child and not helpful for dd's development. And before I toddled off dd had to apologise. And fundamentally I don't question whether my friend was in the right - I absolutely gave no indication of that either to my friend or either children (nor in my OP!). Her house, her decision and if I question that I shouldn't be leaving my children there. What I did do afterwards was explain to dd why I was so sad and that it wasn't nice and that people find it confusing and sometimes don't want to play or be friends if you say things like that.
The reason why I posted was really to find out longer term strategy for dealing with it - when dd with me. Also to find out if my dd is unusual or particularly difficult with friendships. How do I get through this stage ASAP and how long might it last?

I don't think she's unusual but I know things can get tough when kids start doing it all the time. I am told it is very common to about 7ish! My dd is also 4

Could you role play a playdate with dolls or toys? I still struggle to get dd to really grasp how something feels for someone else and that you might not want to make them sad. Hopefully this should really develop over the next year or so. I ask her how she would feel hearing xxxx, and my common refrain is that just because some else does something unkind doesn't make it OK for you to do it too.

Ther are a few grown-ups who don't seem to have ever learned this....

DS does this. I usually reply with "ohhh but you are still my best friend" that usually shuts him up!

I think four year olds (and significantly older people too!) struggle to tell people how they really feel. So "I'm not your friend" is easy to say, meaning a whole raft of things, eg I don't feel like playing today, you've made me really cross, I would rather be at home, I'm too tired to play, I don't like the game you want to play etc. But it needs to developinto the sneakier but socially easier, "I am any of the above but I'm going to keep it to myself because I've got to make the best of the next hour or so. Then I might choose not to put myself in this situation again" that most of us manage as adults. I feel choked but know I need to be adult about this, that this could be a hard lesson for dd to learn. I mean be adult about it by not getting too precious about how wonderful dd is - she is but not in this particular aspect! And helping her as best I can. Easily said.

I find ignoring it works with my DD when she says it to me or her sisters, as she is the sort of child that soon stops if she has no audience.

If she was saying it to another child invited around to play I would deal with it by telling her that it would make her friend feel very sad and she might want to go home and not stay to play. If she then carried on and on saying it then I can see why you would end the play session, but to be honest we've never been in that situation so I don't know how I would handle it.

Regarding the other mum, if your DD said it once and was sent home I would think she overreacted; if your DD said it constantly for half an hour then fair enough to ask her to be collected!

It's a fine line to tread isn't it, between directing their play and behaviour if needed and leaving them to sort themselves out. I think to a certain degree they have to manage their own behaviour and learn the consequences of their words and actions, but need an adult to act as the negotiator in the middle sometimes!

Sidge, that fine line makes me think I'm better off being there for most play sessions at the mo. Clearly dd not always able to cope without me there and I think you can sometimes ease the passage better with your own child. The other side is that I have a tendancy to over engineer so being on her own has helped in that. The trouble is, people aren't always entirely honest about what's gone on - there's no need after all to run through every detail - i don't myself. so you never really know. in that sense being called back was helpful!

This parenting lark is hard work isn't it??

esp when not leaving her for play sessions means giving up my only space! never mind, it's not about me!