10 yr old DS struggling to fit in?

[DeadTall]

I had a very tearful 10 yr old DS tonight - so upset that I was almost in tears myself. I don't know what to say to him so I'm hoping someone will have some ideas.

He's an intelligent, funny boy who got on well at lower school (we are 3 tier, so he's currently in his first year at middle school). I always thought he was a popular boy, not lacking in friends, always cracking jokes and making his friends laugh, but recently he's been having problems in Yr 5.

He tells me that the other boys he knows are all swearing all the time, calling each other names like 'fing bd' etc, telling everyone they hate school and all the teachers. He's been joining in a bit with the swearing (I think to try & fit in), but has become more and more uncomfortable with it. He loves school, gets on well with the teachers and doesn't like the swearing at all. His two friends (L & C) that he likes to walk to school with hate each other, and L has such a short temper that if DS tells L he's walking with C to/from school L swears at him & tells all his other friends that my DS is a 'poof', 'fat' or a 'b*d', 'stupid' etc. DS has now got to the point where on the one hand he wants to walk on his own to school and distance himself from the confrontations, but on the other hand he desperately wants to keep in with his friends.

He is teased for only having had 2 detentions all year and is being called a goody goody (in particular by L).

He doesn't seem to have made any new friends since moving schools last September. He is also missing his best friend who went to a different local school.

I feel so upset for him - I'm tearful as I write this - what advice can I give him to get through this? Thanks

Your poor DS has two choices here. To walk away from these boys (who I think even he recognises as not friends in the real sense) and risk having to move into another circle of friends who are more on his wavelength but who may reject him. Also this may give rise to bullying and teasing from his ex 'friends'.
Or he may have to go down the path of increasing his anti social behaviour to keep in with them, and ultimately behaving in ways which he may not be able easily to untangle for himself.
The second option is one no reasonable parent would want for their son, so you should look to ways of facilitating the first option.
Be aware bullying may escalate if your son opts out of this poor friendship, make him aware he must talk to you about their behaviour.
Invite 'nicer' boys and girls to your home to get to know DS better. Get to know their mums to encourage reciprocal visits. Inform the school of your concerns so they can monitor the situation.
Your DS sounds a delight, he sounds mature and well rounded, with support he should find friends more on his level. Good luck

Thank you for the ideas & encouragement.

DS in tears again today - he had an argument on the walk home from school about a game they were playing, DS stood up for himself & as a result was told that L doesn't want to walk with him tomorrow. Another friend who lives nearby is apparently calling DS 'dick' all the time so he can't walk with him either as he finds it too upsetting.

DS certainly has an old head on his young shoulders, which I think is one of the problems here! We've encouraged him to speak up for himself so he isn't isolated in the playground. He says he still wants L & T as his friends, but I'm not sure if it's because he hasn't made other friends yet, or if he really does like them.

At some stage I wonder whether I need to speak to the parents, and ask them if their sons are telling them about problems with my DS?

I could have written your post.

I have a DS 10 (11 next month) and his few mates seem to be so aggressive with anger problems etc.

His mate who he seems to associate with the most is quite bullying and manipulative (but is almost an angel in my company)

He was smoking too when I saw him after school. (I am a smoker so feel a hypocrite being disapproving, yet 10 seems soooo young!)

He has told my son he needs to toughen up and get a girlfriend. My lad isn't at all interested. (Lego and x-box games being fave passtimes)

He has started to distance himself from this mate and I am glad...yet he will, I know meet far more characters in his next few years at high school.

I've not met the boys mum yet, but if she knew what her lad is up to (lots more than I've told you) she would likely be gutted.

Not my place to tell her I think.

I don't think I can speak to the mum at the moment - we are good friends and our DDs are friends too. This boy has often been punished by his parents for various misdemeanours, but I'm not sure whether it has any long term effect on his behaviour.

I've talked to the mum about a previous fallout, but I felt very awkward & of course not having been there when it happened I can only rely on what DS said (and didn't say) about what really happened. I certainly don't want to get into criticising her son's behaviour at this point. I'm going to have to tell her that DS won't be round tomorrow morning to join up with her son for the walk to school, but I'm not going to go into any details. DS has begged me not to talk to her as last time he blamed DS for being told off by her...