My 4 year old DD keeps attacking my baby!!

[mum2phoebs]

I have a 7 week old baby and a 4 year old daughter. My DD keeps pinching, poking, hitting, pulling her baby sister. One minute she loves her and is very protective and the next she's being awful to her. I try to speak calmy to her as to why she mustn't do these things but she ignores me.

I'm scared she's going to really hurt her. The easy answer is to keep her out of harms way but that's impossible!

I'm thinking of getting a new kitten for my 4 year old as a distraction, do you think this is a good idea.

Any advice appreciated please....

God no - don't get a kitten - that will be a disaster.

What worked well with dd before your baby was born? Did you do timeout? Naughty step?

Anytime she hurts the baby you will have to intervene and remove her from the room and give her no attention. Praise her a lot for teh nice behaviour.

It'll be hard work but you're going to have to be consistent. Are there times that it happens more often? ie when she's tired or when your baby is feeding?

do you have a sling? that way you can give dd a lot of (positive) attention and baby is happy too.
I agree with dr, praise good behaviour and remove her for bad one. at this age you also should be able to talk to her about it. also make sure dd can get rid of her energy on walks or on the playground and gets a good night sleep which helps with the mood.

Thanks - trying to do timeout, but when she's in one of these moods I can't pick her up to take her as she's kicking and screaming and lashing out at me.

I do praise her alot for nice behaviour she has a reward chart and a pasta jar and she gets treats like magazines, skipping rope, playdoh etc when she reaches her goals.

It is during feeds and first thing in the morning that does these things...

We are making sure we give her lots of cuddles and attention. I'm doing things on my own with her when my baby sleeps - cooking, painting, jigsaws etc...

We bought a trampoline for getting rid of all her energy, go to the park regularly and walk to and from playgroup I don't know what else to do!

I do talk to her about her behaviour and sure when she starts school it'll improve, but can't wait till September!

As for a sling, I have bought two! But the size of my boobs means the slings are too small! Plus I'm a size 18.

don't get a kitten - that would almost be rewarding her bad behaviour and would give you a lot of work!

What does she do whilst you are feeding the baby? When my DD2 was born, I used to have feeds as 'cuddle time' for all of us, and would sit with DD1 cuddled up to me and my spare arm around her.....we would either read a story together or I'd put cbeebies on......basically so it didn't look like it was just DD2 getting the cuddles IYSWIM.

First thing in the morning......are you talking about before she's had breakfast? Could she be hungry? I know my DD1's behviour gets particularly challenging if she's hungry (or tired).

All I can say is that her behaviour will improve. DD1 now loves her baby sister (now 17 weeks). It did take a few weeks of adjustment and lots of extra cuddles, but it is just temporary.

Sorry to hear this is happening.

I know its not easy but you will have to be quite firm with this, as it is jealously. I kneel to her level and lower my voice and speak very firmly to her, with eye contact.

That is not very nice!

I would remove her from the room for time out for a short while. Let her know that you are doing this because she is hurting the baby.

Do you get to take out your daughter by herself? Is it possible to get family or a friend to watch the baby for maybe a couple of hours, so you can have some time alone with your daughter.

no, don't get a kitten

i would just keep the baby out of her way. supervised cuddles only/.

either use a sling (there are plenty out there suitable for big, large busted women!!) or put baby in the pram or something where dd can't get at her

Right...decided against the kitten during the day anyhow!!

When I feed DD2, DD1 was feeding Baby Annabel, but now she is fed up with doing that. Will try the cuddling her and reading a story whilst feeding.

Will make time to do things just the two of us, we went to a wedding just the two of us and we had a great time and she was lovely!

also, remember that the baby won't feel neglected if it's fed, warm and reasonably clean. I think that at this stage, the older child should be the priority. Sort the baby out as quickly as possible, and try to restrict the soppy adoring gazing at enchanting tiny toes until big sister is in bed.

Oh, and what worked for us was if I let dd know that I found her little brother a bit of a pain in the neck sometimes "Oh, no - just when we were having fun. Hang on just a moment while I sort him out, then we can get on with something more interesting. Why not eat this chocolate biscuit while you're waiting"

Bribery, flattery and unhealthy snacks. Anything it takes to keep her happy and moderately resigned to the presence of her brother until the magic time when he gives her the first laugh, the first smile and then takes his first steps into her arms.

Work on theri relationship - and eventually she will say "We" and you will realize that for the first time she means herself and her brother, not herself and you. A wonderful moment, and one that makes you realize that you've done something right!

I think you just need to ride it out. Just keep doing what you are doing. My DS1 was horrid to DS2 in the beginning. He was forever trying to poke him in the eye, thump him on the head etc. I think it's a normal reaction to someone else taking away what used to be one-on-one attention on them.

One tip I will pass on that I think has really helped manage the jealousy issue.

Make sure you get lots of one-on-one with DD1. From the beginning, DH and I have tried to make sure we both get some 'special' time with DS1. Whether it's me taking DS1 swimming or DH taking DS1 down to the park. It doesn't matter how long or short it is, just make sure that your DD1 still feels special. We take turns to do this usually on the weekends.

Now DS2 is 7 months old and DS1 is really trying to play with him in the last week or so and it's delightful to watch! DS1 will ask for DS2 if I don't bring him with me to pick him up from nursery. DS1 just accepts now that DS2 comes wherever he goes. It will be rough in the beginning as they both try to get used to each other, give it a couple of months and things will get much better!

Do not get a kitten - get a sling and keep the baby with you at all times when DD is around. When baby is sleeping, spend quality time with DD. And as she's 4, try reading books with her about siblings - maybe charlie & lola or other books like that where they have a good relationship - and point out how great their relationship is when the younger sibling is older. It will get better, but you need to keep a close eye on the kids in the meantime and help DD accept her younger sibling.

Thanks Seeker, excellent advice! I shall try again tomorrow - "I have been doing the whole as soon as your sister is asleep we'll do something fun" thing. It's just a case of keeping it up!

Tomorrow we've promised her that if she's good she can stay up and watch the football with Mummy & Daddy, so she's been practising her "England" chant all evening!

Thanks - keep the advice coming I will try anything!!

It made me laugh this morning....took DD1 to playgroup and she was showing her friends DD2 and she was telling them how "gentle" you have to be and was ever so gently touching her face!!

Good to hear we are not the only ones dealing with this problem!!

I had this problem - I got a little bolt for my room so that at least I could put the baby down to sleep behind a locked door and know he was safe when my back was turned.