14m eating habits, how much do you let them get away with?

[bebemoohatessnot]

My dd has recently started eating with a fork and spoon and now does not want any help eating. I've begrudgingly allowed her to take over all the feeding no matter the mess (I used to feed her some with another fork as she fed herself). BUT In addition to this all day (and most of yesterday too) she refused to eat anything I offered her and kept pointing to where we keep the 'treats' (fruit pouches, granola bars) and she refused the drink I made her wanting to pour her own and when I tried to cut the smoothie with water screamed down the house. I'm currently sitting in the 'rubble' which was our supper as she's tossed it everywhere in a massive tantrum.
Any suggestions? I'm feeling very ill prepared for this situation... What do I do? 14m seems so young to be exerting so much will already! What am I going to do when she's older?

Oh, you have all my sympathy, I have found food messing the hardest behaviour to deal with. FWIW I don't think she's being that unusual.

The most important thing (which I'm generally rubbish at) is to stay calm. Whatever happens. Really try not to let boundary pushing over food become a source of stress for you both and turn meal times into a battle.

Having said which, I'm quite mean strict and definitely don't give treat type food before they've eaten their main food. It's that simple. I've not had major self starvation to really challenge it - usually by the next meal they eat what is given. At 14m she won't understand nec but if you set the pattern it just is that way as far as they're concerned. But whatever you decide, stay calm and collected as much as you can. Good luck!

Yeah I just don't know how hard to be.
I feel like if I give in then soon I'll have one of those kids that never eats anything except junk food.
On the other hand I know I'm going to be up with her during the night if she DOESN'T eat.
And then there's the ultimate annoyance of when my dh comes home and says things like, 'we really should try harder to keep the kitchen tidier and not let Moo toss her food around; look there's spatters up the wall...' (he's not so dear when he says such things)

my ds is 14mo too and although he isn't using cutlery yet he is very much keen on feeding himself - except for yoghurt when he screams if I don't shovel it in fast enough and also gets everything everywhere and even if things that normally he likes he will just throw them absolutely everywhere. The kitchen is a disaster this evening and I'm mning instead of cleaning it - must do it soon before dh gets home!

I also try and make sure he eats his proper food before I give him fruit etc which he loves. I do resort to the ellas kitchen/plum baby vegetable pouches quite often though as worry that he's not getting enough food/variety

Try not to give into the snacks she thinks she wants. If she screams as loud as possible and then gets the smoothies / granola bars/snacks instead of meals she will learn this is how to get them..scream blue murder and Mummy pays masses of attention and i get what i want. I guess that may sound hard for a baby of 14m and its not always easy to follow through .
When she throws food everywhere try to stay calm and just very firmly and calmly say "NO !". At this age she is bound to get the odd tantrums , and if its doesnt calm down remove her from the situation and distract her with looking out of the window or a new toy she likes.
If you think her eating with finger foods will go down better than with fork and spoon then stick with those as you dont want her not eating for too many days. They say that children will nt starve themselves if there's food around. Hopefully she will get so dam hungry she will eat. Maybe show her that the cupboard where the snacks were is now empty of attractive snacks. (wizardry juggling of food cupboards!!!) Wishing you luck !! Stay calm.

It is the Ella's fruit/veggie pouches that she's after, and while they are good for her they also have a rather high GI (since they're puree) so I like to give them only as snacks now that she's on 'big people' food. Is this silly? Am I too strict with that?
She's very good with the fork and spoon (given enough time -as things tend to fall off and she'll occasionally resort to her fingers or stick it on the fork with her fingers and then shovel it in if she can't get it on fast enough).
But today and most of yesterday she didn't want anything. I tried the mince and carrots (a usual favorite) yesterday, even with ketchup and nothing. I offered her spag bol too. Nothing. She just had toast (about an inch by inch section). And today she had no oatmeal, or spag bol or mac n cheese or curry (all of which were leftovers from previous night or earlier tries) and just had some toast again and a few half hearted very angry swallows of milk with a splash of strawberry smoothie (only way I can get her to take milk at all). I even offered to let her eat off my plate (which I really don't want to encourage to be honest either unless she asks). Then she had her fit and tossed everything all over, pushing things violently across the table so they splattered everywhere when they slid off the other end. And screamed until she was blue in the face and pointed to the top of the fridge where the snacks are.
I didn't let her have any though as I really just want them as treats because they're expensive and the GI thing. Tho I do worry, as some have hit on, that she's too young to really understand. I just cleaned her up and set her to play in the living room.
She gone to bed now with little mummy milk, I did offer her another bite of food, but she flat out refused...I'm sure I'll be up tonight with a starving child.
It's so hard to stay calm when you're frustrated and uncertain and they're making a massive mess for you to clean up (when you know you have about a million other messes still to clean).

Is there something else going on? Is she teething? Coming down with something? My DD stopped eating for 2-3 days every time she was getting a new tooth, but about 2 weeks before it actually cut so took me a while to twig. Once I did, I chilled out and didn't push it and she'd start eating again when it didn't hurt any more. She would usually eat a little bit after Calgel application, so kept hunger at bay, then stop. Hope you don't have a rough night.

Hmm that's an interesting idea, perhaps it could be the top incisors as I think those are the only ones we're still missing besides the second set of molars. I'll have a look tomorrow if she let's me see inside her mouth (not likely, but I'll still try).

Thanks for all your thoughts ladies. I'm feeling a little better about it. And Dh is home again tomorrow so perhaps I'll 'runaway' and let him deal with the mealtime mayhem if she's still at it...but then again she's likely to get 2 pouches, smoothie, ice cream, chocolate, and a foot rub then...

I think you just need to stay calm and consistent. The amount that they eat each day can vary hugely at this age - some days they shovel vast amounts in and other days they will eat little. That is absolutely fine and nothing to worry about - it averages out. But only offer one thing. It sounds a little that you are worrying too much and maybe trying too hard with offering lots of different stuff. If the supper that you offer is not eaten, maybe offer a banana or another piece of fruit but nothing else, then milk at bed time. My DS is 14 months and generally a great eater, but he has off days when he seems to eat very little for no apparent reason but he's fine, sleeps through same as normal. My two DDs were just the same.

Re the mess etc - i know it is utterly maddening. DS has recently taken to shaking his head and saying no when I try to feed him. he HAS to do it himself or he won't eat it (although I can usually use an extra fork to slip additional mouthfuls in once he has got going), but they do start to get a bit less messy really soon (that said my 5 year old is still capable of making a horrible mess when she's not concentrating... arrggggghh!!)

DS is forever pointing to the cupboard where I keep snacks etc and screaming and pointing and screaming and pointing.... much good it does him!! The girls are just the same - 'please can I have a biscuit mummy'... 'NO it's nearly supper time' - a 14 month old may not have the words, but you can answer just the same, they will understand soon enough (but still won't like it anymore than the older ones do!)

Thanks Nelly. Your lo sounds like my Moo in many ways. I did offer a lot I know. I was feeling ridiculous to be honest pulling out more foods, but I thought I'd give her the chance. Today I'm going to stick with the one choice as suggested and not make myself crazy with it.
She was up during the night and after waiting to see if she'd go back down I gave her a fruit pouch and she took and pretty much plopped back down on the bed and went to sleep. (I do hope she likes sleep better than getting her own way or she may wake up every night and want the same )
This morning has started off better; she ate 2/3 of a bowl of oatmeal and yogurt.