not quite bullying but picking on - how to help DS handle?

[PotMarigold]

DS (9) seems nervous/awkward with some of the 'cooler' pushier older kids in his class and tends to play with the younger kids. He is not aggressive, a bit naive and gauche, a bit immature.

There have been some incidents - the teacher had to intervene, he was being picked on.

help! I need advice on how to advise him to deal with these kids, not sure I understand the dynamics...

didn't want to leave this unanswered.

it is so hard to know how to deal with it. your ds sounds like the child i was at school. i got bullied and didn't seem to fit in to any of the groups that my own peergroup had formed. i tended to help out in the little ones' playground and enjoyed playing games with them rather than wander round alone in the big playground.

i was taunted and picked on by both boys and girls and tbh i dont think there was anythin i could have said that would have stopped it. i know this isn't going to make you feel any better but it is just my experience of it. i just didn't fit in.

perhaps for your ds it would help if he had 1 or 2 good friends that he could stick with. is there anyone in his class who he gets on well with that you could invite round after school?

I don't know if this will be of any help to you, but we have had similar problems with our ds, who's 11.

One thing that was extrememely helpful to him, was to learn about using 'comebacks' to deal with mean comments (I'm not talking about actual systematic bullying, which obviously needs adult intervention).

I found some really helpful 'comebacks' for him to use on Bullystoppers.com. (Sorry am rubbish at links).

He now feels he has an extra 'tool' to deal with unpleasant comments, and it's really empowered him. Phrases are very simple things like: 'oh, get a life'; 'Real mature'; 'I should report you but you're not worth it'; 'keep talking, I'm not listening' etc, etc.

I know 'comebacks' are not for every child, but it really worked for ds, and maybe is worth having a look at?

I'm really sorry you're all going through this, it's horrid for all concerned, and I truly hope things improve for you and poor ds.

I just wanted to add support, too. The comebacks sound brilliant. Maybe practise saying them at home so that they come out in a casual yet effective way.

Yes abr1de, that's exactly what we did with ds!

Just been talking about this with a friend.

I think kids have to develop as much self-esteem as possible to deal with these problems. This may sound radical but if your kid isn't cool, try ways to make him feel cool. I don't mean latest designer gear but think how confident you feel when you know you're looking your best. I know it's a fine line but how a 9 year old boy thinks the world views him is really important so a flashy pair of trainers (these are not always the most expensive btw) or trendy haircut may help.

Help him to find something he really, really enjoys. If it's something that requires teamwork that's better imo. This will improve his self esteem no end which will impact on other aspects of his life.

Finally, in our house, we laugh at bullies. My son was being mercilessly teased about something so we made up a 'secret' song related to what the bullies were saying. Then when they teased him he smiled secretly, thinking of the song. Once they got the message there words weren't having the desired effect they stopped.

We've also done role play (how to react when being bullied).

FWIW my ds hardly gets bullied now and is a really confident child who others turn to gfor help when they're having problems.

joni, that is a really great idea. it probably would have helped me alot if i had been able to laugh at the bullies. i will remember that if my two ever get bullied.

Thank you so much for your advice. its cheered me up! I will look into the 'comebacks' and the other ideas.