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boy's sexuality - advice please

17 replies

Affie · 09/06/2010 14:18

Last week on holiday, after seeing a couple gazing into each others' eyes my ten year old son told me quietly that he is in love. He said I'd never guess in a million years who it was - after asking about girls at school I asked if it was a boy and he said yes. I asked him who and he said no-one he knows but someone he saw in the street a few weeks ago, a boy of his own age he saw when he was out with his dad.
I gently asked him about how he felt when he saw this boy but he would not say any more and said he wanted to change the subject.
This is bothering me in lots of different levels. Can he be sure of his feelings, is it someone he's making up to hide a real boy, is the whole thing made up? He has recently done sex ed at school and has a teenage sister and there's often talk about people fancying each other... anyhow, advice please and happy to answer questions...

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belledechocolatefluffybunny · 09/06/2010 14:21

I wouldn't say any more about it or question him but I would say that if there's ever anything that he wants to talk to you about then you will always be there to listen and help him. Just tell him it doesn't matter if he likes girls or boys as long as he's happy and you will love him no matter what.
He could be sure of his feelings, there's no way of knowing though. All you can do is just be there for when he wants to talk.

Ingles2 · 09/06/2010 14:24

I've got a 10 yr old son as well and love, kissing, marriage etc is a hot topic atm.
I'm not taking anything said too seriously atm they are still young children. Your son may just have a crush on this boy or he may be recognising that he is gay...both are totally fine.
I would just accept what he says, I wouldn't poke, prod or question but make it clear that you are willing to talk should he want to.

LimaCharlie · 09/06/2010 14:28

I would leave this one be but make it known to him that he can talk to you about anything and that if as he gets older he has feelings for boys then, this is fine.

FWIW I had the odd girl crush as I was growing up - I don't think its unusual, didn't stop me fancying boys being promiscuous in my teens .

Affie · 09/06/2010 14:52

Thank you, thank you, all sensible stuff - my instinct has been to accept and not to poke but have been feeling a bit lonely about this one. My first post on MN!

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Chatelaine · 09/06/2010 16:09

IMHO he can not be sure of his feelings.I really do not believe that children, and I mean that in the full sense, having gone through adolesence and grown from there onin, emotionally, socially etc can possibly be labelled with a bias, straight or gay. It is entirely normal to have early sexual feelings for either sex, it is called concupiscence and they will be confused at first. It is really unhelpful for well meaning adults to jump in and confirm these feelings as being one thing or the other. An infatuation with a member of the opposite sex and experiemtation with a friend is as old as the hills as they become more aware of their own bodies and is a sort of practice experience. It may not be "fine" with you if he has feelings for boys as he gets older and obviously people deal with this down the line. I just think that it causes more confusion for young people if
everything is responded to on face value.

Affie · 09/06/2010 16:38

Thanks Chatelaine I do remember having a crush on a young male teacher when I was 9 myself, and I remember strong sexual feelings. I wondered how unusual it was for a child of ten to voice such feelings?
I was baffled that he talked about a stranger - was it easier for him to talk about a stranger rather than perhaps a real child? Clearly this is confusing for all of us but am reassured at the advice to leave it be for the moment.

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rubyrubyruby · 09/06/2010 16:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wahwah · 09/06/2010 16:54

Alternatively, many gay people knew they were gay at this age, but you're not going to know about your son yet. Agree with others, just keep communication alive and open.

Chatelaine · 09/06/2010 17:10

I would rather have died than confide in my mother, she was (is) wonderful but it was not the social norm way back then when I was growing up (1970's). My parents' style was to discuss things in a hypothetical way, often through news coverage and debate, they were not naive. It's a different world nowadays, children are encouraged to express themselves and to be assertive. I'm sure this is a good thing on the whole, but adults need to bear in mind that the children are young, impressionable and formative and so it's ok imo to listen with a pinch of salt.

Affie · 09/06/2010 17:12

Can't put my finger on why but it has always been at the back of my mind - don't wish to resort to stereotypes - he's always been just a bit different. Eg Last year his sister wondered if he might be on the autistic spectrum... (he's not). We will just have to wait and see and as you say keep communication alive and open.

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CrapSuzette · 09/06/2010 17:13

Some really good advice here - really can't add anything more - but just wanted to say, Affie, that you sound as though you were very gentle and understanding with him. He's very lucky to have such a sensitive mum.

Affie · 09/06/2010 17:15

Chatelaine - we're of the same vintage then. Re pinch of salt - yes as Ingles2 says it's a hot topic amongst ten year olds atm... the poor blighters have so much to think about

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fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 09/06/2010 17:18

i can remember my cousin at same age saying he fancied Morten Harket of Aha- said cousin is definitely not gay now!

Affie · 09/06/2010 17:19

Thanks CrapSuzette! It's a relief to talk about it... his dad has been great but I wanted to hear what others think without talking to people who know him.

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Affie · 09/06/2010 17:26

Had to google Morten Harket

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vegasmum · 09/06/2010 17:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Chatelaine · 09/06/2010 23:14

Are you wondering if he means a boy of his own age or a stranger? They are both strangers. One and the same thing but two very different meanings/connotations perhaps and in all probabililty innocent fancies. Also, just a thought, little brothers can be very irritating to teenage sisters and a great inconvience... (different species!) Big sisters can impose all sorts of ill informed/half baked opinions on others. There is a theory that a significant percentage of the male population are on the autistic spectrum but this can mean they are more single minded, concentrating on one thing and go on to achieve.

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