I just need three pointers to turn my 11 yo ds around....

[fartmeistergeneral]

The usual, rude, lazy, immature, argumentative etc etc.

Please give me three pointers that I can do to change his behaviour and make everyone's lives better

Give him an important job to do/responsibility? Eg cooking once a week (or something relevant that he could do)

I did think about cooking...

Hi fartmeistergeneral!

I have the same problem with my son who has a very street attitude that drives me insane. I started rewading him for helping around the house but realised he was raiding his piggy bank every day to buy sweets on the way home from school. So my friend mentioned a website that her friends use which is an online piggy bank. Kids can set up a wish list and you can contribute as little as you like every time they help around the house or do well at school. On the receiving end children will be able to see their piggy bank get pinker and more smiley with every contribution until their wish list present has been paid for and then they dispatch. The good thing is parents can leave messages detailing why they have contributed, it's very interactive and will get you and your son laughing!its thepresentclub.co.uk

will deffo check that out today thanks!

Did you find it makes a difference with your son?

I just feel all we ever do is find fault with him, and to be honest, it's hard to find things he does well to praise him. It's resulting in an unhappy household at the moment, and I can only see things getting worse when he starts secondary.

Try the denial/assumption-of-good approach:
eg As he is about to leave the dinner table, you say casually 'oh thanks ds, for taking your plate out. That's really helpful'

You basically pretend they are the good little children you want them to be and then interpret their behaviour accordingly.
They are sat watching tv when you asked them to tidy their room - 'Cool, ds. You're going to tidy your room when this has finished? Brilliant'
(I do this with the secondary kids I teach, works very well)

Following on from Adair's good ideas, whenever he does something good, however small, always say thank you for....

I'll try that Adair, but worried it might sound a bit sarcastic? I mean knowing that he prob. WON'T go and tidy his room after. I do know what you mean, so will try it tentatively...

Yes, I think it's about the tone. You have to say it in a kind of breezy non-committal tone (not a kids presenter playschool BRILLIANT!! THANK YOU! kind of way). You also have to make the questions not sound like questions, I think.

Think how you would ask/thank to your dh for a cup of tea (would you make me a cuppa? ah thanks, babe'). That;s the tone you're after !!

maybe one week of high school will sort him out!

juliemindle - gosh you must really like that website.. every single time you have posted on MN you have found a reason to mention it...

Try here, love..

Ok Three pointers, but I'm not promising that he will turn into an angel overnight:

1.Praise him as often as you can. For anything, I'm proud of you for getting a good mark in Maths, you look nice in that t-shirt, thank you for being kind to the dog.

1. pick your arguments, everytime you are about to have a go at him, stop and ask yourself if the argument is worth it, does it really matter if he doesn't brush his hair, if he wears trainers to church, if he wears the same underpants 2 days running.

1. Limit TV and computer use. Not ban it, just limit it to a certain number of hours a day. Let him choose when and which programmes.

We try and do this with our nearly 11 yr old DD, some times we forget and slowly things get difficult, but if we stick to these rules then things are easier, not perfect just easier.

Thank you frenchfancy.

I think actually I need to chill out a bit more! It's not like he's stabbing old ladies, maybe I need to be more laid back.

Chilling out is good but if you want to deal with the frustration in a physical way, try
www.paxvita.com our 14 year old loves it and my naughty nephews challenge each other to stay on it for 10 minutes! endorphins and oxytocin (relaxing hormone) work wonders. Try it as a treat for yourself too [wink

My 3 for what its worth

1. Unconditional love and praise for the good stuff.

1. Ignore the stroppy bratty stuff so long as it isn't hurting anyone else, preferably by leaving the room but a judicious use of fingers in the ears and Nah Nah Nah Not listening can often diffuse a stroppy situation before it escalates

1. Don't let him get away with the stuff you really care about. Ie set rules and be consistent. Choose a calm time to explain the rules and explain you want to treat him like the almost teen he wants to be but if he acts like a child he will be treated like one with the consequences being...... variations on no gaming, early bed, no tv or whatever motivates).

No 1 is the most important!