DD 7 yo with an incredibly bad temper. Please help.

[AndreaisSlowlyLosingIt]

Today for the second day running my DD has thrown a massive temper tantrum which today involved trashin my bedroom because she wasn't allowed to go to the shops with me and had to stay home with her Dad due to her behaviour yesterday.

Yesterdays temper tantrum involved ripping the leather cover on my chair, smashing a piggy bank, smacking and biting herself among other things. This was all because we found out she'd hidden a spring onion in the cupboard in her bedroom and explained we were disapointed in her.

I have no idea why she reacts like this to a simple telling off. We're not completely easy going but nor is she allowed to get away with everything. I suffer from depression so its really hard for me to cope when she acts like this so her Dad has to deal with her which I'm sure is affecting their relationship.

I don't know if she acts like this because of the way I am with my depression which can be slightly distant but she knows I love her to bits, I tell her all the time how much I love her, how proud I am of her. Shes such a smart child too ahead of her class. Perfectly behaved everywhere but at home when she throws these tantrums.

Otherwise shes a perfectly amazingly wonderful little girl. Its breaking my heart to see her act like this I don't know how to deal with her when she goes like that.

Hi sorry to hear about your little girls tantrums - I have 6 year old who on occasion tries this - our response is purely to ignore her when she tries to kick off - this usually is enough, it seems as soon as she realises she isnt getting a response from us it stops. The other thing is warning her if she doesnt stop she is going to get a punishment - ie no TV for a couple of days or taking away her favourite thing of the moment. However we dont have the issue that you have of depression and it wouldnt be fair of me to even try to comment on how this might be effecting your daughter. Have you tried looking at or posting other forums for mums with depression who might have had similar experiances. T x

I don't know if I can help but I was a very tantrummy little girl. In part it was temperament - not much you can do about that.

In part it was insecurity - my parents' marriage was under a lot of strain. Your daughter may be worried about you and your depression (or sad, or angry or all 3) and need extra reassurance that you are OK.

In part, it was bad handling - my parents did rather make mountains out of molehills. I have no idea why you find it such a problem that your daughter put a spring onion in a cupboard but honestly, if you are having a hard time just ignore the small stuff.

If none of the above is useful, please ignore.

Need more info.

Why in the world would she put a spring onion in her cupboard? Did you ask her, and if so, how did she explain it?

How did you discover it was there?

TBH, telling her you were 'disappointed in her' seems odd - please can you elaborate on why you felt this way and/or chose that word.

Lastly - what are you doing to get help for your depression? How long has it been a serious issue for you?

She put the spring onion in her cupboard because shes going through a faddy eating phase and has decided she no longer likes them as of that day.

We went into the cupboard to grab something out of it that we needed the onion fell out.

We told her we were disapointed since she knows she could of just told us she didn't like it and her behaviour had been awful all half term I really didn't have the strength to be angry at her anymore.

I've suffered with depression pretty much on and off for 12 years now. I'm taking anti depressents and am waiting for inter personal therapy.

The counseller I saw belives that my reoccuring depression has been caused my emotional abuse by my mother so I don't want to end up doing this to my daughter. I'm scared that no matter what I do, I'm going to make her the way I am.

Hi Andrea,

Every situation is different, so I cannot compare mine to yours however when my dd is really good I reward her. I found this makes the bad behaviour less common and the good more regular. Maybe try and focus more on her good points? I have a problem with my dd who has a very street attitude that drives me insane. I started rewading her for helping around the house but realised she was raiding her piggy bank every day to buy sweets on the way home from school. So my friend mentioned a website which is an online piggy bank. Kids can set up a wish list and you can contribute as little as you like every time they help around the house or do well at school. On the receiving end children will be able to see their piggy bank get pinker and more smiley with every contribution until their wish list present has been paid for and then they dispatch. The good thing is parents can leave messages detailing why they have contributed, it's very interactive and will get you and your daughter laughing together!its thepresentclub.co.uk

julie thats a fantastic idea thank you! I will be starting that tonight, at least this way she can't waste it on sweets and can save for something she truly wants. Again thank you its a brilliant idea!

Hi Andrea. I'm sorry to hear that you have had such a hard time with your depression. As regards the punishment (not going to shop or a simple telling off) or rewards such as (treats for doing something that pleases you), do you think they are working? It might be worth looking at Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn, which advocates not punishing or rewarding our children, even with 'That was very good', so that they are not focused on behaving or misbehaving for the reaction it gets them. I think though that you probably need help with her behaviour. You could ask your gp about you and your partner speaking to a child psychologist for some advice on what might be happening for her.