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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

My 2yo just bit a baby in the park - it was awful

49 replies

Pollyanna · 05/06/2010 17:03

He was in the sandpit and was a bit aggressive to an older child so i moved him away to a quiet corner. Baby came up to him and he hugged and started to kiss her, (I was with her carer - maybe a grandmother) i ran over to get him even before he did anything(was a few feet away) but was a split second too late. He bit her in the lip loads of blood. It was awful. I just apologised profusely

A second later the baby's dad came over and started yelling at me about how I was a bad parent and he was really aggressive so I shouted back a bit and then we left.

And now I feel awful for the baby, dislike my violent child and feel horrible for shouting. I have 5 children and have never felt so upset about an incident Iike this before.
And don't think i can take ds2 out again tbh.

OP posts:

MarshaBrady · 05/06/2010 17:26

He is very young and at 2ish biting can happen unexpectedly, but he isn't violent or anything. The first time catches anyone unawares imo.

OTH for a parent with a baby 2ish seems old enough, and they will be very protective. (Although shouting is not really on, perhaps the shock of the blood etc)

SilveryMoon · 05/06/2010 17:26

Oh dear.
Listen, the Dad was BVU to shout at you for this.
This is the kind of thing children do and tbh, if he cannot accept that every now and again his child will bve pushed, hit, bitten etc then it is that child who shouldn't be let out of the house!
When you say 'baby' how old are we talking?

My ds1 was bitten quite badly at a playgroup once. It took me longer to calm down the other mother than it did to calm my ds! These things just happen, and they happen all the time.
FWIW, although my ds1 isn't a biter, he is a hitter and a pusher and is relentless at it! It is just constant, if he pushes someone once, that's it, he's at it all day. I do all I can, I tell him off, naughty corners, bring him home, take toys away and so on, but I wouldn't not take him out.
My ds1, like yours is 2 years old and is only just learning the correct ways to behave.
Please don't let it stop you doing things you both normally enjoy, and if you bump into thsat dad again and he says anything tell him to get a grip. Tell him in a couple of years it'll be his turn to have a difficult day with his child. tell him you hope you're there when his child bites/pushes so youj can get in his face and laugh!
I've said that to other parents a few times

IngridFletcher · 05/06/2010 17:32

A 2yr old did this to newborn...luckily it was my 2yr old. He did also slap another toddler at soft play and I got a screaming lecture from the child's mum. It was completly humiliating. That was the only 2 violent acts of his toddlerhood so not too bad.

Now, two children down the line, if a fellow toddler attacks my DS2 I just remove mine and smile at the mum/dad. I would never want to make another parent feel as bad as that neurotic cow made me feel.

AnnieLobeseder · 05/06/2010 18:36

"He is 2.2 I have been very cross with him and he has cried a lot"

"Worst thing is the feelings in me he is causing. I can't bear to look at him Atm."

Is no-one else very, very worried by these statements? The poor little mite, his mum furious and won't interact with him, he must be so confused and hurt.

Please, please tell me you've given him a huge cuddle by now?

And saying you can't ever take him out again or even go to the park again is just ridiculous. It was perfectly normal toddler behaviour and you are totally over-reacting, perhaps even more so than the enraged father.

BuzzingNoise · 05/06/2010 18:41

Oh dear, what an awful thing to have happened. Most children go through a biting phase. Your child isn't violent or abnormal in any way. I can understand that the father of the baby was cross, but it doesn't make you a bad parent at all.
And as for not being able to look at him, well that will pass. At least it shows you are shocked by his behaviour. It will pass.

Original poster

Pollyanna · 05/06/2010 18:46

Annie, I was very upset when I posted which was pretty soon after we got back - the man was very agressive to me and was very in my face, jabbing me, yelling and it was awful. I was angry with ds2 but I knew that he didn't really understand - there was no malice, and was telling dh that even in the car on the way home. I was more angry with myself and pretty humiliated tbh as it was a big scene in a very busy park. My immediate reaction was didn't want to go out ever again! but I have 5 dcs and can't stay in for even one day so I will be back out tomorrow. when the dad criticised my monster child (or whatever he said) I defended him.

I am not angry with him now and will be out and about tomorrow - in fact I nearly went out again this afternoon as a friend rang me from a park. But the dcs were all playing in our garden. ~we have had a lovely tea and bath and now everything is fine. Ds2 has forgotten it and will no doubt be a little darling tomorrow too.

honestly there is no need to worry about him.

OP posts:

Original poster

Pollyanna · 05/06/2010 18:47

it has passed Buzzingnoise!

OP posts:

AnnieLobeseder · 05/06/2010 18:48

I'm glad to hear that Pollyanna, and I was hoping that was the case. Enjoy your day out tomorrow!

JackBauer · 05/06/2010 18:50

POlly, how horrible for you, I am 'lucky' in that DD2 has bitten a child at playgroup once (his mum was veyr understanding as he had been a biter) and the other child who got it the most was DD1, in fact DD1 has a scar on her stomach from a bite a year ago that broke the skin through a jumper and a dress
If that had been someone else's child I would have been mortified.

He will learn in a few years, but for now put it down to pfb over reactingness (iyswim)

BuzzingNoise · 05/06/2010 19:04

Good.

shoshe · 05/06/2010 19:11

I had a baby in a rocker chair with a hanging toy over it, (baby about 8 months) 2 year wanted to play with the toys, baby had hand over it so the toddler bit him to make him let go, toddler had never done anything like that before, or I would have been hovering (I was their CM)

Babies Dad went ballistic when he came to pick up, wanted to know who had done it wanted to speak to their parents the lot (I have a biting Policy, which states how I deal with it, and that I wont say which child does it, which he has signed as read and understood) I honestly thought Dad would pull him out, but sensible Mum refused to.

Roll on 18 months and that baby was the worst biter I ever had (had speech delay and got frustrated very easily) didnt matter how carefully I monitored him, he still got a few in.

Dad will learn what comes round goes around.

(BTW is now 5 and a beautiful gorgeous little boy who was soooo excited about becoming a big brother this week, and is so soft with his new baby)

Poppet45 · 06/06/2010 13:17

Hmmm this makes me feel better about not saying anything to the mum of the vile (sorry but he was) three year old who was poking my 9 month old (PFB) son in the face, twisting the skin on his arm and putting his hat over his face in the library queue the other day. My hubby said I should have said something to the mum - who did nothing and obviously has no issues with her son hauling himself into total strangers' pushchairs while their backs are turned.
I know I was crap to not be watching it all, but I was literally being served at the time, and DS is so easy going he wasn't complaining. I asked the boy to be gently please as soon as I spotted him, and got him to stop the poking and twisting by actually gently moving his arms away but he carried mucking abot with DS's hat even after I lightly asked him to stop as it was hot outside and DS was going to need it, but his mum felt no need to step in. This wasn't a split second thing like the above in which I wouldn't have expected the mum to do a thing but while I may still be be being a bit precious about it I did think she was a bit crap. Was I being a bit precious?

randomimposter · 06/06/2010 15:49

the 3 year old wasn't vile... his behaviour may have been though.

Imarriedafrog · 06/06/2010 16:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

FionaSH · 06/06/2010 20:35

I bit another child hard when I was about 2 apparently. My mum was mortified (hence her regular reliving of the story 28 years later...) To show the other parent she didn't condone it, she bit me to show me what it was like. I think it's that that she feels most mortified about

I never did it again tho...

He's only a tot, he didn't do it on purpose to hurt the baby, and he'll grow out of it. The dad ought to be ashamed really for letting rip.

FionaSH · 06/06/2010 20:38

Imarriedafrog - That's appalling. No wonder the child behaves like that if the mum acts like that.

hmc · 06/06/2010 20:47

Bless you Pollyanna - not your fault, not your child's fault. Nearly all of them go through that stage around the age of 1-3 ish.

Imarriedafrog - what did the mother say when you confronted her? She sounds awful

hmc · 06/06/2010 20:47

Well you know that pollyanna (just remembered you have 5 children and a tonne more experience than me!)

Goldenbear · 07/06/2010 08:20

My DS started biting from about 18 months, he is now nearly 3 and has not bitten anyone for about 3 months. I like you was devastated by this behaviour, it seemed to get really bad about 2.7 and everytime I went out I was anticipating a problem so it was incredibly stressful. However, some children of this age do bite, some hit and some push as you know because you have 5. On the face of it biting seems worse especially if it results in blood but a pusher can cause real damage if they push the child near a steep drop. My DS was nearly pushed down a flight of 30's steps by a friend at a softplay centre this would have obviously had a horrendous outcome if his mum hadn't intervened in time.

Your son is really only a baby himself so I suspect you can only be firm in your tone of voice. When my son got older 2.7 I started to dish out consequences, I.e we will leave the fun if you get cross near to the point of biting. I left an indoor play thing after 3 warnings and he has not bitten since. I started to take treasured toys away after 3 warnings and would follow through when I returned home. Obviously he didn't bite 3 times but I learnt to recognise the pre biting anger and would warn him about it.

I will probably get flamed by some for the above advice but all I can say is I have solved the problem and his behaviour has improved 10 fold. Cuddles and acceptance are great but sometimes I think a simplistic set of standards for a child can be more reassuring to them, knowing the clear boundaries. I think they are sometimes scared by their own outbursts are they looking to you to show them what's acceptable. I think it must be confusing for such a young mind to experience the seemingly upset face of mum or dad and then a big cuddle for your biting episode. My brother had a biter at 18 months but he had consequences even at that age, toy taken it stopped at 20 months. I was very judgey and thought he was only a baby, to harsh etc. But maybe if I'd been a bit clearer at a younger age with my DS he wouldn't have bitten for as long. Then again he may have just grown out of it.

OrmRenewed · 07/06/2010 08:26

poppet - the only way in which you are being precious is still to be thinking about it now . Your DS was fine and not upset by it. I don't know why the mother said nothing but do you think it would have helped if you have yelled at her?

OrmRenewed · 07/06/2010 08:28

I never had a biter (thank the lord!) but I had an eldest son who used to hit and have silent and angry tugs of war over toys with other children. It always made me feel terrible and I always intervened, but I stopped feeling so bad when I realised that most children have some bad habits at some stage.

lillypie · 07/06/2010 08:49

My friends two year old ds is violent and aggressive.We went on a trip to the zoo together last week and my dd (3)had handfuls of hair pulled out,was grabbed and thrown up against a wall and had her face slapped.

She is very gentle and doesn't retaliate.She wants to be friends but is now quite scared of him.

This week when she turned up her 1yr old had her leg in a cast (broken)she has no idea how this happened as there had been no fall and thinks that her ds may have done something to the baby.

I understand that two yr olds can quite often be like this and never make a fuss about it but I am becoming increasingly frustrated with my friends attitude to it.

Instead of telling him that it's not acceptable and removeing him, she will just say "oh darling please try and remember not to bite,kick, hit,pull hair" or what ever.

It's getting to the point where I don't want to spend time with her and we have been friends for 20 years

Poppet45 · 07/06/2010 10:37

Jollster yup, you got me. And Ormrenewed you are SO right I guess it's because it's the first time in his life, other than medical necessities such as jabs and the heel prick test that anyone did something to deliberately cause him pain. I suppose that made me sad. But yes very, very PFB too. I'm guessing future siblings will experience pushing, kicking and biting much MUCH sooner, most likely from him!
Lillypie that sounds very worrying. I have a family member with a little boy like that. I think when he gets a bit older he will be labelled with conditions that come with long strings of letters. Depressing. Your friend really needs to see what's happening here too.

Original poster

Pollyanna · 07/06/2010 10:42

I don't think that my 2yo is "violent and agressive" actually, because there is no malice or even intent behind it. He just looks interested in the results of his actions. still I can understand why it is horrible for you to go out with that child, especially if the mother doesn't appear to do anything. I am very much the opposite and probably wouldn't take ds2 back to see the same child if he had bitten him once.

We went out yesterday to another park, and I stayed about a centimetre away from ds2 all day - he wasn't even allowed to touch another child (even his siblings!) People probably thoughht I was a real helicopter parent! Might be a bit harder today when I am alone and dh isn't with the other children.

Thanks for your kind words everyone!

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