Any reassurance / advice re toddler with shortest fuse in the world?

[ellensmelons]

Just picked up 19mo ds from nursery. Staff said he's had a bad day - hitting, biting, sitting on other children (?!), throwing stuff. May be the heat. May be him!

He seems to have such a quick temper. If he can't get a toy he wants, have food IMMEDIATELY when he sees it, if i say 'no', then we have it all. First the dummy gets thrown, then clears the table with his hands, then hitting, biting etc etc.

It is my 40th birthday 'do' tonight and I feel really flat.

What to do? I use a travel cot for time out when he hits or bites. Is it too early to call a psychiatrist (sp)?!

Will he be like this forever? So worried at the mo. Some words of reassurance would be much appreciated from anyone who has been through the same!!!!

Explanations: a good explanation before things happen eg. go down to his level and explain "You have to wait 4 minutes while mummy finishes cooking your food and as soon as it's cooked we can eat, because we can't eat raw food, can we?" Ending with the question gives him something to think about rather than going straight into a rage (hopefully). It might sound long-winded and drawn out, but some children cope better if they have an understanding of what is happening, why and when. Again, instead of a flat-out "no" a good explanation why he can't do something may help. End with a positive perhaps with something he can do. Eg. "It is not nice to spit because it's very rude. Instead of spitting, why don't you use those lovely lips to give me a great big smile (or a kiss)"

It may not be the immediate answer but if you remain consistant with it you might see some changes. Make sure if you promise something (like dinner in 4 minutes time) then you stick to it and this will give him security to trust in what you are saying.

Don't worry about it tonight, enjoy your party!

First of all enjoy your party. It's probably nothing that won't change in the next erm year

I agree with Irons. I'd also try and give him words. You are feeling angry. You want x. Mummy said no. You feel like throwing something.

With DD I spoke to her about her feelings, let her vent a bit, then offered a hug. I find with mine they take energy from you. If you escalate/react, so will they. If you are calm (don't laugh), but stay relaxed, they will take the emotional cues from you. If you are in control, it will also let you see that it is just their frustration with having no control. I think it is normal.

It is very easy when other people tell us our child has been naughty, to see it as a naughty child. All it is, is toddler behaviour. If you make them feel that they've let you down, it will only make them feel extra bad, and then want to take that out on something else. They don't know what is going on, just feeling bad feelings and reacting to it! They need a hug afterwards to help 'regulate' back to an unexcited state. (I have found the 'why love matters' book very helpful, as well as 'baby talk' if you want some booky advice).

Good luck, Happy fourtieth, have a great party.

Congratulations on your 40th!

Agree with Irons and 120!

I have to say it sounds like classic, and totally normal, toddler behaviour. My DD is only 23 months so I'm hardly the child-development expert, but I think it sounds like he is after more attention, and at that age I'd try and give him as much quality attention as possible. It might feel counter-intuitive (surely you want to ignore all this bad behaviour, and certainly not reward it with more attention?), but as long as you are still being clear about what behaviour is not acceptable (eg biting) then the more attention the better - he's still really small and thrives on adult attention and interest. And as much praise as possible for the smallest thing he does right.

I'm not convinced that time-out would work for my DD to deal with negative behaviour like biting. Agree with Iron's suggestions of stating what the negative behaviour is and why, and giving an alternative: "we don't bite people because it hurts - we give a cuddle" or similar, in a stern voice. And immediately moving on to distract with some activity (shall we find your bricks?)

I think it's pretty normal for a baby that age to want everything NOW too. My DD has only very recently been able to wait for anything!

Hope you enjoy your party.

What Wigeon says about waiting is true. Perhaps giving him an alarm to concentrate his mind. If you say a certain time until dinner (or whatever it is he wants to do) then you could give him the alarm tell him when the bell rings dinner will be ready and he must come and let you know that the bell rang. You're giving him a task so make him feel like he has an important job to do and praise when he's done it well. Best to keep the times short as he may lose interest if he has to wait too long and you may need to give a demonstration with the alarm to help him understand, eventually he should start to grasp the idea.

no he won't be like it forever! my ds had the worst temper as a baby, vile actually even as a tiny baby, exploded in to tears over nothing all the time. he's 2.9 now and actually very even tempered (for a 2 yr old) never smacks, pushes, bites anyone and although he can be bossy and cheeky, he isn't actually half as bad many of his peers. think it's just frustration for your little one.

i don't think timeout at that age would have worked for my ds, agree with wigeon, sternly tell him no and why we don't do it, then move on. i think he is still very young for timeout, wouldn't really use that til he was over 2.

i found talking a lot helped my ds. basically the more i can explain to him why he can't have a certain toy etc, the more reasonable he is about it. if i just said 'no' he'd probably meltdown but if i say 'no we can't have that now because xxx is playing with it at the moment so we'll play with this other fantastically exciting toy and wait our turn' blah blah blah. basically keep up the dialogue and why we need to act a certain way and eventually it sinks in. also helped his language enormously which reduced his frustration and he calmed down and chilled out a lot after he could use sentences and express himself.

most of it he will grow out of without you doing anything though. it's just his age and it will pass... eventually!

enjoy your party!

My DS ( now 6 ) has always had a short fuse. Since he was born. Its the way he is. As he's got older I have taught him coping strategies and he understands now what impact his quick reactions can have.

Having a short temper is really not the end of the world, my DS is very bright, has a great circle of friends and is generally considered a smashing boy. I am hoping that by teaching him lots of coping strategies, he will be well equipped when he enters his hormone laden teens.

However, you may find its just a phase, tbh, it sounds like typical toddler behaviour.

Have 40th!

My son changed around 3, before that he was a perfect baby!

First of all I would ask about your son's routine. Is he getting the sleep as my experience a shattered child is a manic child. 19 months - should still be having a good lunch time nap. In bed 7pm. Eating properly. Nursery is exhausting for a child and what time does he start? Is he being over stimulated?

His anger if also showing his fustration. Maybe he's not getting the same attention in nursery v at home. Has he been used to having his own way then at nursery he has to share and wait.

Here we rule with an iron bar. Luckily my husband is harder than me and will not tolerate bad behaviour hence strong firm words and bed. My son will do his best to wind me up but soon as my OH comes in he knows.

If its that bad I'd get some books - eg supernanny. I'd want to nip these problems in the bud now. Hitting and bitting is not acceptable behaviour in my eyes, yes toddlers have tantrums and bad days but this is stressing you out.

Thank you all so much. Bit sore at the mo. Head and feet. Wll respond in more detail later...

La lar - 'How to talk so kids will listen and how to listen so kids will talk' - mumsnet's favourite book!

Helped us enormously with stroppy ds (though he's still challenging).

We were doing timeouts, and 1,2,3 etc etc. All the parenting methods my strict parents used on me. It didn't work. Once we stopped and started talking then his behaviour improved.

Plus the 'fast food rule' - when ds is shouting and saying he wants something he can't have then the first thing I do is say 'You want it! You want that toy / apple, you really do!...........' then go into why he has to wait / can't have it. I THINK this helps.

Get the book, I really think it will help. It's a bit old (about 20 years?) but I basically constantly re-read it, and it helps me cope. Good luck!

Hi. Still bit jaded...

Irons - yes will def try explaining more. I think I don't do it as much as I did with dd because I just assume he won't understand. And that's so not right!!

120 - thankyou. I think i need to pre-empt his tantrums because when he's in one there really is no talking to him. He actually gives me tinnitus.

taffeta - hmm, slightly worried has inherited some of father's traits..
bacon , zombie - will invest in a couple of paperbacks.

'Night!

meandjo - I do spring to 'no' fairly quickly. Hm... need to think about this and plan ahead! Thanks for great advice everyone.

Feeling much more human today. And had a great night on fri - thanks for all your help! x

I like "The Good Behaviour Book" by Dr Sears (proponent of attachment parenting) - has lots of tips about dealing with specific situations but also explains how attachment parenting as a philosophy applies to toddlers.

"Toddler Taming" gets lots of support on Mumsnet, and is good for simply lots of reassurance about what normal toddler behaviour is.

Thanks Wigeon - I have the Christopher Green book on a shelf . Should've picked it up before...