4 year old boy will only speak in a whisper for last 10 days

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Hi

I'm hoping someone can give me some advice. Basically, my DS who is 4, has stopped talking to anyone but his immediate family. When he does talk (at nursery etc) he will only do so in a whisper. Sorry, just to be clear he is talking and behaiving normally at home - it is just nursery and other situations outside the home where he is whispering.

Until a couple of weeks ago I would describe him as a child who is a little self conscious and shy in unfamiliar situations (e.g. going to a birthday party), but for the most part is very talkative (he constantly asks questions ALL the time). He has bundles of energy, and is pretty demanding of adult attention. He can also be quite naughty / difficult some of the time, e.g. simple commands like go upstairs and brush your teeth can often result in an argument. In the few weeks prior to the whole whispering thing he was being particularly naughty. As a result of this we had been getting quite annoyed with him and had perhaps been a bit tougher with disciplining him than we would normally. By this I mean sending him to his room if he refused to do as he was told etc (nothing particularly severe).
I have spoken to his nursery about the issue, the only suggestions they have is that one particular boy in DS?s class may have been nasty to him (but I have heard in the past that he is nasty to various kids and I don?t think this is particularly exceptional). DS?s key worker whom he had a very strong bond with also left about 3 months ago.
I am becoming increasingly anxious about the whole whispering thing ? he is due to start school in September and I have awful visions of him still doing this when he starts. Any help would be really appreciated!

i hvae heard of something called selevtive mutism.. i am not sure if that covers whispering , but certainly only talking to immediate family and only whispering is something that needs checking out

hav you seen your GP or HV?

sorry , this must be a real worry for you

I once taught twin boys who whispered/used a baby voice at school the whole time (they were in Yr 1).

After about a month, I overheard them in the playground using their "normal" voices and I was amazed.

I just gave them lots and lots of opportunities to work with puppets and roleplay to encourage them (and the rest of the class) to use different voices in a non-threatening way.

We never commented on it in the classroom, and gradually, they started to get a little louder and more confident.

By the time they got to Year 3, they were using their "normal" voices all the time, except when they felt threatened by a social situation. I wonder if this was at the root of it all the time - baby voices encouraged people to see them as younger, and therefore, look after them more???????

my 6yr grandson talks extremely quietly over all could be construed as a whisper, BUT when he gets going normally you can hear him in the next street.!!!!!! dont worry.

My dd2 whispers a lot, and often refuses to say anything.

At home she is perfectly fine and boisterous and rather naughty at times!

I personally would keep an eye on it but don't worry just yet.

I know a girl at school with selective mutism, I heard her talk just once in three years. She spoke to no-one.

my dd2 is also four btw. It's a difficult age.

has something happened that he is maybe unsure or scared about? could someone have told him to be quiet in an angry way, perhaps a teacher or another adult?

i agree with others that he will probably grow out of it soon but it worries me that it is so sudden and that he reserves it for outside the family. have a wee chat with him and ask him why he likes talking normally at home, what is good about home, how does he feel at home. his answers might give you a clue as to what isn't so good about outside home at the minute.

I would suggest that you get a referral from your HV to see a speech and language therapist as soon as you can. You have to do some research and teach others (especially at his new school) how to talk to children who are displaying signs of selective mutism. Get the selective mutism resource manual by Maggie Johnson and Alison Wintgens and do some work with him at home as you could be waiting 3 months to be seen by the CAHMS team. The important thing is that you don't make and issue of it or at least let him know you are worried about it. The behaviours you mention are very common with children who are anxious. It's a fairly typical time in a child's life to become worried and anxious, especially if he's a thinker and bright. The usual trigger is a bad experience or a general feeling of being out of control of his own life. He needs to feel he's making his own decisions (even when it comes to brushing his teeth or getting upstairs). Talk to him differently and try saying things like "as soon as you've finished doing that I want you to get straight upstairs" or "let's go upstairs and you can choose if we wash your face first or brush your teeth first". Giving him choice and control will make him feel empowered and less anxious. The trigger is usually a variety of factors but the outcome is that his head and his body, and how others treat him are all at different ages. He's confused and panicking about it. The whispering is a defense mechanism to try and get the spotlight removed from him. Anxious children hate the stoplight on them either in ways of directly questioning or in performing/team games and if he whispers then they usually look around to make sure no one else can hear them. If he's doing this and getting upset and frustrated this can result in naughty behaviour. You need to reason with him and give him control back and I think you'll see his behaviour improve. I have a son who is 4 1/2 now and has been selectively mute since March. He has other anxiety issues related to using the toilet anywhere other than at home and not eating in front of others. I worked really hard with him over the last 6 months and used the SM manual to help him relax and he's slowly getting better. The simple thing to do is make sure he's always happy and relaxed, then his anxieties, bad behaviour and SM will improve. How you do this is up to you, but I suggest doing lots of reading and get everyone to action the things you change. It will be a small-steps life for a while, but it sounds like his SM or anxieties are not too bad and you should see some positive results fairly quickly. I hope you get the support you need and do feel free to ask me any questions if you think that'll help. Keep calm and smile lots!

sorry. i just noticed this was over 2 years ago. how's he getting on?

Erin, thanks for your reply. It is very random but this is the first time I have logged into mumsnet for maybe a year or so. I was just perusing the trending topics and happened to notice this thread which I posted a couple of years back! Basically the whole issue of my DS whispering / being mute is now completely resolved. He carried it on for about 10 weeks or so in total but got better and better ( I.e. the whisper got louder and louder) within these 10 weeks. To the point at which his whisper just turned into normal talking and both he and everyone else just forgot about it. When I look back I think that the main reason he decided to go mute was that he was upset and anxious about his key worker leaving and the impending thought of starting school soon.
He is now about to start year 2 at primary school and is doing ok - he is still quite a difficult little boy in terms of behaviour and is definitely on the fringes of things socially at school. But he does have a handful of friends and on balance when I think about how bleak I felt about things 2 years ago when I wrote the original post I think he is getting on far better than I could have hoped for then. Its interesting what you have said about allowing him to feel in control of what he is doing will help to reduce his anxiety levels. This is very true for my Ds both back then and now - he definitely responds best when he is allowed to make the decisions rather than being told what to do.

Btw I did speak to the HV at the time. They were nice and reassuring but bot not particularly helpful in a practical sense. I didn't push very hard though. By the time I spoke to the HV he was starting to improve. Also worth noting, his teacher in reception referred him to a speech therapist quite early on. I had never noticed a problem previously but she reckoned he had an odd way of pronouncing certain sounds. The only example I can remember was pumpkin he used to say pumperkin. He speech therapy for about 6 months and then they discharged him.

Is your DS due to start school this September. Do you think anxiety over this could be triggering his SM?
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